Well. They’re actually not.
But what do you do when it’s placed before you? The reality is staring you down?
I’m 40. Now I’m not loving that – but I’m trying to embrace it. It’s fine, really. No big whoop. I thought it was going to be a big deal.
You know what?
BRAIN SURGERY (2 TIMES) IS A BIG DEAL….Just sayin.
Part of me still held a little, tiny, bit of hope that I’d be able to be a mother one day. Back in my 30′s I still had hope. (Get it? Hoepforheather. HAH.) But, that’s not in the cards. OK. So, time to put on my big girl panties as I’ve said before with stuff. But now – it’s not Dairy Queen stuff. It’s uterus stuff. I’m feeling peaceful about it now. I know that when time gets closer I’ll experience fear, sadness, loss, anger, more fear, and a myriad of other emotions. Thanks to my age and femaleness. I used to joke if I wasn’t high-maintenance before last summer (craniectomy, Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis), I sure am now!
See, something is going on. Something is not quite right.
Normally, with my cycle I’m as regular as a – um. I don’t know. But I mean, you can set your watch to it. Every 28 days. For reals. Although probably for the last 6 months or so (maybe longer?) things have been weird. I’m not going to detail too much about it (although remember in my ABOUT ME page I do state I have no filter. IT ALL COMES OUT HERE. I don’t sugar coat this for anyone! Positive today? Sure. But you know what tomorrow might bring? Fear and anger and sadness. So – if you don’t want to be part of the program? That’s just fine with me. I’m getting thicker skin thanks to Cowden’s Syndrome apparently.
My cycle was supposed to start on Christmas Eve.
Not one freaking hint of ANYTHING remotely related – except a weird migraine – related type headache a few days after Christmas. It’s so odd. For it to just stop.
The timing is so interesting to me because I have seen the OB about having surgery to get rid of my uterus on May or June of this year. When I last saw Dr. K he wanted to talk to an OB-GYN Oncologist (I think? But really. Who knew there were even such doctors?) about me. Urg. I feel weird being the one that all these doctors talk about. I miss the days when I could just see Dr. B for a sinus infection and then go home!
So he talked to someone about me, but I don’t recall what he said the other doctor said. That’s OK. It doesn’t’ really matter because if it did I’d have remembered it. HAH. So, Dr. K told me all my options (No thanks, I’m not doing the pill again) and I just said, “I’m ready for it to go. It’s doing anything for me anyway.” Plus, I knew that if I didn’t make a decision about it soon….I’d just hum and haw about it. Back and forth and back and forth. Wait. I can’t get rid of my uterus! I’ll never be able to be a mother and have children!
Wait. I have Cowden’s Syndrome with a 1 in 2 chance (I believe) of passing on CS to my child so it’s time to say goodbye. NONO. Too much of that cray cray!
But let’s look at the facts before I continue to waste anymore time:
1). Am I able to have children due to Cowden’s Syndrome? (Well, YES I could try. But the risk to me is too great to pass it on to my child. Even if there was a 1 in 1 billion chance I’d pass it on – I just would not do it. With all that I’ve gone through, nono.)
2). My age. I’m freaking 40. There are a zillion possible complications for me to have a bio child at this age even if I didn’t have a genetic condition.
3). And let’s not forget – the magic bullet – I’m at a 20-30% something risk of uterine cancer due to my friend Cowden.
I know there’s going to be a lot of loss and mourning coming soon when the time gets closer. That’s OK. That’s part of life. To learn and grow and mourn and try to become stronger from it. That’s what I’m in the process now I think – trying to become stronger from the surgeries last summer. And it’s also why I created this blog. To dump it all here. To write it out – and then leave it all here, on the computer desk – in the Internet sky…and then go to sleep and face tomorrow as best as I can.
Oh wait. I forgot another important one!
What about all the money I’ll be saving on feminine supplies each month?!