I heard from the neurosurgeon’s office today and evidently I was supposed to have a brain scan (MRI) before my appointment this week. I didn’t end up seeing him after all due to emergency patients that came in and I got bumped. At first I was frustrated because my time is important and I’m worth the consideration of not having spent an hour in the waiting room for nothing; however, in driving away from the office I was filled with gratitude. Grateful that I wasn’t that emergency patient. You see, during the summer of 2011 – I was that emergency patient.
The Back Office girl called today and told me the update and that Dr. H wants a scan and that she will be submitting the paperwork this week, etc.
Here comes the tricky part: If I find out the tumors have grown – what will that do for me? Will that help me? Will that help the doctor in any way? These tumors are inoperable as per Dr. K, and that word, inoperable, strikes sickness in my stomach. A literal pit of anguish in my stomach. Gangliocytomas are apparently slow-growing tumors. But what does that mean? What does that mean to you? To me – it means that the tumors won’t grow for another 45 years and when they do start to grow it will be such a slow rate that I will be at peace and I will have lived my life already. I don’t feel I have lived my life to the fullest and I fear that if these tumors are growing now the shunt and other things will interfere with my quality of life. I’ve become quite fond of this part of my life and I don’t want it to change. I just don’t.
But what if there isn’t any growth? Of course that’s what we all want. THIS IS WHAT I HOPE FOR! Mom thinks that maybe it’s not the best idea for me to have an MRI…but I’m kind of leaning towards needing one. I mean, for heaven’s sake – it hasn’t even been 2 years since the surgeries so we kind of need to see their growth pattern, right?
I don’t know.
I don’t know how I feel or what I feel.
I don’t want to be scared.
I told mom that I was doing the best I could today (after talking to “B.O.G”). I worked today; I had my book (that I’ve tried to get through FOREVER)…and I just got through today. I’m exhausted. Fridays seem to do this to me. But Nephew #1 is here and I just love hearing him say, “Wait for me Grandma!” as they are working together in the backyard. These times (with my nephews) are what give me strength to go forward.