The music of Christmas

There are lots of thoughts going on in my head today.  I guess that means I need to type.  Yesterday was 6 weeks since the 2nd surgery!  WHOO HOO!  I am so thankful!  Thankful is such a weird word.  I say it so much – I wonder if it loses meaning?  Does it?  Grateful? Thankful?  Humble?  What other words are there to use?  Do I use them too much?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what else to say, you know?  I don’t want to trivialize those words, but if I don’t say them aloud, they make me nutzo.  So there you have it.  I am a literal person, but then I over-think things too much.  I know this about myself. I also know I suffer from anxiety – I’ve always been anxious.  I want to manage it with healthy eating, drinking water, exercising, things like that. I do not want to take another pill especially now.

But this new road I’ve been on since 7/18 hasn’t helped my anxiety one bit.  Not one bit!  That makes me angry!  So ticked off because the anxiety gets really bad at night.  Either I’ve written about this before or I’ve thought about it – which means I need to continue to work on it.  I will make some night-time routine to get my mind focused AWAY from the hospital.  I was thinking a few weeks ago, “So who gets brain tumors anyway?” – I guess that would be me.  Ironically crazy.  That was my new phrase a few days ago.

As I’ve read about LDD and CS (which is that French syndrome I cannot spell and Cowden Syndrome) and the connection between thyroid cancer and the brain tumor, I know I need to learn more and understand more but it’s so confusing.  My thyroid cancer was 7 mm. and encapsulated which is much *better* (if that makes sense) as if it were on the outside of my thyroid.  I see the oncologist next week and we’ll see what the next steps are.  The mammogram coming back clear is also a great thing too.  This whole thing is just a bump in the road.  Just a test of my faith.  While I feel, well I don’t know how I feel, but I wish I could have been more faithful 6 weeks ago.  But, fear is a nasty thing.  I am working on faith now and 6 weeks out from surgery it’s easier and easier.  Of course.  But we don’t know what the future holds.  I had no idea about this and while it’s knocked me off my feet I am working as hard as I can to stay upright.

I am doing it.  I am doing it.

PS, I really am listening to Christmas music now.  🙂

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One thought on “The music of Christmas

  1. Managing anxiety with meds is no different than managing diabetes, high blood pressure, or controlling heart issues with meds. if meds help you manage anxiety issues then you should take them. We can’t control everything that goes on in our brain…as you can now attest, so do those things that will help it….including taking meds for it. Stop feeling guilty about not being able to control it through discipline. You would be very surprised at who uses this type of help. I think of you often and are still in my prayers. 🙂

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