1). I told the counselor last week that I just want to be “normal”. And I told Mom this morning that today I’m starting to feel kind of “normal”. These are good things in and of themselves, but “normal” is relative and I have to watch that thinking…what is “normal” to you might not be to me and vice-versa. More on this.
2). I walked for 30 minutes today. I am so thankful for this!
3). Heavenly Father is teaching me valuable lessons, and while part of me wishes He could have taught me in other ways different from neurosurgery and a possible/probable genetic condition, I should not complain. In General Conference over the weekend one of the speakers stated the phrase, “Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you.” Now that is not it exactly, but that is what I got from it. I have pleaded with Him for MANY things…one of the many things is the breast cancer risk/increase/fear that is weighing HEAVILY on my heart and mind. Now, I wanted to write a better post about this but what I realized (and I guess I’ll just write as best I can here) is that whether I wanted to admit it, I WAS DRAWING CLOSER TO HEAVENLY FATHER RIGHT NOW SO THAT HE WOULD PROTECT/HEAL/SAVE ME SO THAT I WOULD NOT GET BREAST CANCER.
As I was talking with a good friend a week or so ago I realized this is what my thinking was. I should be drawing closer to Heavenly Father so that I can feel His Spirit to support me. To strengthen me. To buoy me up on this new road I find myself on. Many of us find ourselves on roads we sure didn’t ask to be on. I wish I could be married with children, not even plural. I’d be over the moon to be a mother to just one child. But, that is not my road (at least now). I have to have hope still that things will change and be different down the road. I didn’t mean to have that thinking….but I get to be proud of myself for having come to this understanding! 🙂
That was quite overwhelming for me. I am so scared. Petrified. Scared out of my wits. But that is what this trial is teaching me. I cannot live my life in fear. In fear of the “what-ifs” because that’s the thing…they might not happen. Granted, I am at a greater risk and while it drives me nuts that NOTHING I do (eating right, exercising, drinking green tea, etc. etc.) is going to BETTER my chances of NOT getting breast cancer or uterine cancer) I just cannot sit still with that idea. I knew nothing about Cowden’s Syndrome before just a few weeks ago. I KNOW about it now. I have choices and agency and control. I can make BETTER choices and this broken gene just cannot and will not do what it wants to do without me having any say about it.
This was going to be a short post with some lines about things I wanted to write about later. HAHA, funny how that worked out. 🙂