Division

Mom and I went to see the oncologist again today.  It didn’t go well.  Whew.  OK.  So, about 2 weeks ago I decided to start taking 1 1/2 tsp. of turmeric every day in a cup of hot milk/chocolate to see how it made me feel.  There is a bit of research around about the benefits of turmeric (curcumin) and the PTEN gene (which is what we all think that mine is broken…that sentence doesn’t make sense but I’m too tired to fix it now.  I think you know what I mean) – and within 2 days I noticed a HUGE difference.  HUGE benefit in my moods/attitude/I FELT ALMOST NORMAL!  I felt like I never had brain surgery!  Mom said she even noticed a difference in me!

Then, I cruised at that level for all last week.  I added resveratrol.  But then what do I do?  I added curcumin, which is 95% and my turmeric that I had cruised on is about 5%.  Anyway, Monday morning I woke up feeling shaky, nauseous, and just overall crappy.  THEN…

All the good talk I talk, and the good game I show goes out the freaking window!  I GO RIGHT TO THE BAD PLACE of the shunt.  Now – my 2 greatest fears now are the shunt and the breast cancer risk.  I talk a lot with Heavenly Father and I know He knows my fear, my absolute FEAR of both of those.  My friend says “THE SECRET, THE SECRET, THE SECRET!” and – she’s so right on.  I then get stuck.  I was completely and totally stuck in the fear of the ventricles in my brain messing up and stuff like that.  (Hum…I posted about this yesterday kind of.  Funny how my brain doesn’t seem to remember than until now!)

What I ended up doing was just kind of jolting my system with too much curcumin.  And I feel better today with the symptoms from yesterday except…when I saw Dr. L today (oh and since last Saturday I stopped taking the turmeric) – I told her about what happened yesterday.  All she seemed to hear was the bad part and I tried to express to her HOW GOOD I felt a few weeks ago in just taking the turmeric.  She thinks my brain needs to heal (OF COURSE IT DOES) but it doesn’t necessarily need to heal without DOING ANYTHING.  I was feeling so good a few days ago and now I’ve got into the toilet.  The brain fog is back with vengeance.  She felt the good feeling I had had been placebo – and so what if it was?  And so what if I do the turmeric again and I feel no difference?  OK – but WHAT IF I DO FEEL BETTER?

I refuse to sit here and do nothing.  I have researched so much, granted maybe too much – and all my researching tells me that I need to merge curcumin and resveratrol into my life.  ASAP.  And she says for me to sit and do nothing.  THIS IS NOT OK WITH ME.  I spent the entire day in despair and just an awful state of hopelessness.  Mom says there are risks of the turmeric, and while there might be…there are risks if I do nothing.  I have all these things at my reach and for the choice for me to sit and do nothing while they are within my grasp?  NO.

My Chiropractor says that the brain does need time to heal, but you don’t have to leave it alone to heal.  There are things you can do to help the brain heal.  Then, the therapist I’ve seen (today was only the 2nd visit to her) wants me to start Lexapro. And she asked me if I’ve been suicidal.  I told her I have not been, but I have a huge concern that if I do start Lexapro or the like that I WILL have suicidal thoughts.

I want a doctor who will work with me and listen to my thoughts and feelings on the matter.  Dr. L is young enough that I thought she’d be open to natural healing methods.  But she’s in the pharmacological industry and it’s all about money.  Does she care about me as a patient?  I’m not too sure to be honest.  I would have respected her more had she said, “Heather – I am ignorant about that.  But if it works for you or you feel good about it, I support you.”  She said nothing of the sort.  SHE IS NOT ME.  SHE IS NOT LIVING MY LIFE OR THIS SYNDROME.

Then I run the risk that when I see her in 3 weeks do I tell her what I’ve been doing?  That I’ve been taking the curcumin or the resveratrol and run the risk of her firing me as her patient?  I don’t know.  I don’t know how many other oncologists there are.  She said that in 3 weeks we could discuss again this issue, but why does it even have to be an “issue”?  It shouldn’t have to be.  That’s what’s bothering me about this whole thing.  Patient and doctor should work together.  And while I get that the turmeric hasn’t been “FDA approved” and all that…is there a pill she can give me that IS “FDA approved” to fix this broken gene?  NOPE.

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