Spooked

I went to the Dermatologist today. I now have 4 stitches in an area that I really wish I did not – and that’s all I will write about that tonight.

I’m so tired and am up too late. I’m struggling with relating to my friends. I don’t know how to relate to anyone anymore. I have my family which I’m so over the moon about, but my other friends? I don’t know how to relate to them anymore. They don’t get it. Really. It’s not the same anymore. Makes me so sad. I don’t know what to do about it.

I really like my Dermatologist. When I walked into the exam room this morning for the procedure it kind of rattled me because it looked like a mini-operating room, literally. With the big light/lamp thing from the ceiling. I was already emotional driving out to the appointment but walking in to that room (but it was only because it was better light for him to make sure he could get the clean margins we needed) just messed me up a bit. The a-typical cells the path report came back was NOT pre-melanoma Dr. L assured me. Just not benign cells, which is what we want. And I asked him if there was any way to know if the a-typical cells had to do with the CS (genes and cells being mutated and all that) but he didn’t know…I don’t know if science or medicine has gotten that advanced yet, hah.

Dr. L was really great, assured me this was super easy, cake. I have been through WAY worse…and that I’m just spooked (his words), which really hit the nail on the head. And now I have stitches in another area of my body for another 2 weeks, ugh. I was doing kind of OK for the most part, after the shots took effect I didn’t feel a thing. UNTIL I saw the stitch/suture stuff. He kind of lifted it across my head to get it ready and then I felt sick to my stomach. I told him, “Um, Dr. L I don’t think I should have seen that. I don’t feel so good and my stomach hurts like I’m going to be sick.” So sue me. I’m a wimp. I don’t think he judged me but I didn’t like seeing that stuff!

I love Instagram and am hooked on taking photos of my nephews and my family and random stuff all over the place. This was a light pink flower I saw on my walk today that I made look super cool! Trust me…it was NOT that pink looking when I saw it this afternoon. 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Spooked

  1. I just wanted to say I can relate. I also have a hard time relating to people after what we went through with the baby. I don’t think you can really understand something unless you’ve gone through it yourself! So yeah. People don’t get it. I also am a wimp. I still have an ugly scar where they removed a suspicious mole a couple years ago and I remember almost passing out when my husband had to clean the wound for me! I also am hooked on Instagram 😉 Glad things came back looking good.

  2. Hi Heather–I have been reading your blog and have to say that I totally understand you feelings. When I first discovered that I had LDD I was a 35 year old single Mom. I learned that LDD is pathognomic for CS and went into a major depression. I pulled away from friends and some family. It was a crazy time and I was so alone. No one related to what I was dealing with and thought that I was a hypochrondiac. I have been followed for CS and thank goodness no cancer–yet. I still have concern for my children and grandchildren but they choose not to be tested. I know that I do not have a defect in the Pten gene so Cleveland Clinic and Unov of Utah continue to research my blood. Time will tell. Anyway, the purpose of all of this is to tell you that I am happy and at peace with all of this now. After you adjust to the fact that you have LDD/CS—it makes you stronger. I have learned to accept–I am 55 years old now and have known about this disease for 20 years. Ride the wave!!!! Karen

    • Hi Karen! I too am working on acceptance and peace and putting this in the Lord’s Hands. I’m working on it…I’m new at this whole process and a rookie at best. Therapy and family and this blog (writing has helped me tons!) among other things has really helped me. I haven’t pulled away from my friends yet I’m learning through this ordeal who my real friends are. Perspective indeed.

      I love your phrase and I know you’ve shared that with me before…”ride the wave”. Thank you for sharing it again. You don’t have a blog, right? If you do I’d love to read it since I won’t be very active in the other arena where we used to communicate. 😦

      Take good care. Thanks for saying hi!

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