Interesting. Ponder about that for a bit. Of course, you can add any horrific ANYTHING in place of “brain tumors”: cancer, heart attacks, strokes, Parkinson’s, etc. Just sit on that thought for a while…
I was debating about whether I was going to write about this. Something really special and beautiful happened to me today at church. It was moving and priceless and I was going to keep it to myself. But, then I decided I would go ahead and write about it. For many reasons, but if nothing else to document it. And to remember it. And to look back on it in the future and re-read it if I needed to at some point.
I wonder sometimes if Cowden’s would be “easier” to manage or deal with if I didn’t have Lhermitte-duclos disease. I kind of think it would be. For a few days I can actually forget about the brain tumors. I can live my life with joy and laughter and think about my future and my hopes and dreams.
Then. Today happened. I was in the shower getting ready for church and I was overcome with emotions. Fear and dread surrounded me. Literally. I could feel it. I was petrified and almost gave up my day and climbed back into bed. All the questions started circling in my mind, the main one, “How am I going to live with the brain tumors? What happens when they get bigger like CHUCK was and start causing me hydrocephalus again and my life changes? I CHANGE? I don’t want to change! I don’t want the SHUNT.” I have to tell you that the shunt scares me to death. Literally. That makes me ill to my core. I don’t know why. I read about revision surgeries and all that stuff and I want to vomit.
Somehow, I bucked up and didn’t give up my day. I went to church (albeit late, of course) and got to Primary and one of the little ones has to go to the restroom and I offered to take her. We were there and I was making sure she was on track and getting ready to get back to Singing Time and then suddenly, out of the blue, I hear her start singing, “I am a Child of God…” then she gets stuck. “And He….” –
“How does it go after that?” – she asks me.
We then sang the rest of the words together.
I didn’t realize what a miracle and gift that was to me until later in Relief Society during testimony meeting. It was very acutely clear to me that the Lord gave me that gift of singing with the Sunbeam to heal my heart of the pain, anguish, and fear I was overcome with earlier today. And what a gift it was. I’m glad I was aware to notice it and be grateful.
PS…take a moment and click on the link for the I am a Child of God. Your heart will sing. 🙂