Jumble

I’m rather a jumble of stuff now.

Worked 2 days this week.  I’m glad to have had sub work.  I forget how much I adore find so interesting high schoolers.  I wonder why defiance comes so easy to them?  What their home life must be like?  I mean, I know I’m a sub.  I GET THAT.  I know you try to get away with stuff with the sub and all that stuff.  But during one period today this was OVER THE TOP.  I’ve never had an interaction with a student this severe.  I had to take away his headphones (What is the school rule with iPods you say?) and after too many warnings having to get after him (were any of the other students up out of their seat playing with the globe?) I finally gave a detention to Student X.  Guess where the paper went?  Wadded up in the trash can you say?  Well, I sure thought it was and I almost kept his headphones til the end of the day, but after I put him on the spot and had him show me the detention slip he finally dug it out of the bottom of his backpack (still wadded up of course).  I didn’t engage.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE how when I asked Student X a question before I could HARDLY finish my question his response was, “Huh?”  My response to him was, “I didn’t stutter.”  If the other students around were paying attention to us, instead of doing their homework, they usually got a kick out of this.

I’ll see him next week too!

I haven’t volunteered this week at the animal shelter.  I miss it.  I need to get there.  My plan is Monday or this weekend, depending on how things go.  I think about the cats sometimes and what goes through their mind.  Are they thankful to be off the street?  Do they realize they are no longer having to scrounge for their food?  They are safe from predators and harm?  I miss them.  I need to get some love from them too.  ASAP.

I’ve been thinking about colonoscopies and mastectomies.  (The one I had and the one I may have in the future.  I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do with the PBM.  How do you wrap your brain around 85% breast cancer risk?  Especially since you have no family history but this bloody genetic condition called Cowden’s Syndrome that puts you at risk for cancers?  Some people tell me NOT TO DO IT FIRST.  I don’t KNOW if I’m going to get cancer and then IF I do…I can deal with things then.  

BUT…when I get to 55 or something, I’ll no longer have the breast MRI’s and I’ll just be screened like a regular person.  Mammograms?  And what else?  Monthly exams?  That’s what regular women do who ARE NOT high risk.  What else is there?  I know I’m not wanting mammos 2x a year because there’s all that extra x-ray stuff.  So…that can put you at risk for cancer too!  Where does that leave me?  What if I AM part of the 15%!?)  I’m not anywhere near the decision.  I’m thankful to have found several blogs of women who have made the decision to have the PBM (they are BRCA+) so there’s a family history there. I read their stories, pain, triumphs, relief, happiness, and think, “Self.  You should get in on that action too.”  (Not for the pain part, but for the triumph and happiness and relief part.)

The question is HOW?  HOW TO I WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND MORE SURGERY?

Interesting stuff right?  I am reading a book called “The Power of Now”….but I think I need to just find a fiction book now that I can get into.  Or watch a movie tonight.  Something to check out and get to bed early.

Do you believe in fate?  Or coincidence?  What do you believe as the difference?  Or is there?  I got some bad news about a friend today.  A new friend that I met by happenstance, actually.  I put so much stock into “HOW” we met, and I guess it doesn’t matter.  My heart is just heavy tonight.

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9 thoughts on “Jumble

  1. I despised my substitute work – most of it anyway. Much better when you are the “real” teacher, and even then its tough. One day at a time. You will know what decisions are right for you at the right time.

  2. Wow you’ve got a lot on your mind, and I can’t blame you for being worried!
    I’m not in your position, but I have to say that I’m going through the discussion with my self if I should get them both removed or just stay with the one. I believe that should my breast cancer return at a later time in my other breast, that there will be a new and better way to treat it!!!
    I refuse to believe that the money people will forever win. It’s way too common an illness, I know there will be progress!!!
    Say it with me!! 🙂 “Despite it all, Im a happy and healthy person and I’ll prevail” 😉 HUGS!!

  3. Oh dear. When you are in a muddle (and I speak as one who has studied happiness for many years), the best thing to do is focus on things for which you are grateful.

    Can you come up with a couple of things?

    Sorry for all the sad things in your life right now.

    • Yes I can. Thank you for the reminder. Your comment brought tears to my eyes.

      1). My family. All of them. Near and far.
      2). My cats Tiggerwigger and Konacoffee. They bring me joy.
      3). The fact I can walk, talk, drive, eat, make decisions, etc. My craniotomy last summer rocked me and I feared I’d lose all that and more.
      4). My faith. I belong to a church that teaches me the Lord knows ME. He lives and LOVES me. He knows my trials, my MRI’s, my fears, my panic, my hopes.

      There are many more as the tears are coming. Thank you for the much needed reminder to change my focus.

  4. I believe in fate and coincidence and I think there’s a difference. It’s a coincidence if we happen to wear the same shoes as someone else that day. It’s fate if those shoes made you start up a conversation and that person became your best friend in the world. Fate just runs in a little deeper in my opinion. 🙂 xoxo

    • This post has to do with our convo we had over lunch this week. Fate (?) that I ran across that ‘person’…and then considering how things are currently. I agree; fate does run deeper. ❤

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