I had a rough day yesterday. Really rough. And it’s morphing into today. I’m not sure what happened or what triggered it. But I have some idea and when I get to this point I know it’s time to sit down and write. I don’t edit my posts much…I just sit down and write. So here goes.
I’ve had internal struggles in my head, conversations with myself, about how I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. Some of you know I started using a CPAP machine this week. For reasons of OSA. All due to my weight. I’ve had a hard time accepting that this week. But ultimately it’s a GREAT thing because my brain needs to stay as healthy as possible, what with the brain tumors and all. With my oxygen levels going down to 54% during the night that’s not really good stuff. So this is a good thing over all. But the fact is my weight is the cause of all this. If I wasn’t this heavy I wouldn’t need it. And all week I’ve fought with myself, “Self. You are a fat cow. If you weren’t this big you wouldn’t need
this machine and your brain would be healthy, etc. etc.” But then I go right back to, “Heather…you shouldn’t feel that way.” This goes on and on. And has happened all week. During the day, morning and night.
This week Mom is on vacation. She’s having a blast I can only imagine. Although it’s ridiculous I struggle sometimes with thoughts of, “What if something happens to them?” – and then I go right back to, “But Heather, you shouldn’t feel that way.” I have this awful struggle all during the day, morning and night as well. These conversations are constant, but not as incessant as the CPAP conversations I have in my head.
Then I have a conversation about my lack of money/job/freedom to do things I once enjoyed (like going to the movies or going out to dinner with friends.) I feel guilty when I spend what little money I do have on necessities or a treat like lunch with a girlfriend. Can you guess what happens next? Fill in the blank.
Yesterday I had my counseling appointment. And I have felt odd the last 2 days in the mornings with the CPAP machine. I’m not sure if there is an acclamation period or something. But as I went to the gas station to get some almonds to snack on (I knew I hadn’t eaten enough yesterday) I felt myself going to “Z”. Going to the bad place. I went to the ventricles in my brain acting up. The water causing pressure and me having hydrocephalus again. I could feel my anxiety rising. This hadn’t happened in a long, long, time. But I just went through the motions and said to myself, “Self. You know some tools from therapy. What can you do here?”
I remember Dr. K telling me the ventricles can’t just “freak out” on their own. And that something (the tumors) needed to be pressing on the ventricles (like before surgery) to be causing pressure and making the water be diverted to cause hydrocephalus. I talked myself through it and thought I was doing a good job.
Not so much.