My mind

Rational mind: “Heather – you haven’t heard from Dr. L’s office. If there were something wrong with your breast MRI you would have heard DAYS ago. Quit worrying. Quit crisis-managing.”

Irrational mind: “Heather – you are one of a zillion patients she sees. Your report got lost on her desk. It fell behind her trash can or it never even got sent over from the imaging center. You SHOULD be worrying.”

Imagine my conflict. It’s conflict I place upon myself, sure.

But it’s still there.

I see it. I feel it. I can taste it.

It takes all my strength to focus my thoughts on the Rational Mind thought. I’m trying.

This conflict, among many other things, is what I’m working on with the counselor. Making the choice to start counseling last Fall was such a good choice.

Just today she and I were talking about the breast MRI last Thursday and how my acute anxiety was for a lesser amount of time. I had the mental thought last week, as I only freaked out for just a bit, right before I stepped onto the machine.

Last year, I had no Ativan and didn’t know what to expect. It was just awful last year. Never ending procedure…..

This time…it was OK.

Can you stand it?! It was OK! In fact, I think I even fell asleep for a bit during it. 🙂

The Ativan really helped.


So. I’m progressing. It’s hard for me to say that, and I’m not really sure why. But I suppose I need to say it and really internalize it more.

That I’m somehow learning how to live my life with 2 rare diseases and the anxiety that comes with on frequent occasion.

Progress not perfection.


8 thoughts on “My mind

  1. HAH! Well, I talked to the secretary 2x today – and she assured me that the doc would have called me if there was an issue. What concerns me is that I have to reschedule my appointment a 3rd time to see her and her schedule is “full” so I’m getting pushed back to see her.

    But tomorrow when I call to reschedule – I will for sure leave a message with the nurse to ensure my report was received. Thank you. 🙂 Did you receive my text and voicemail?

    • I had 3 different appointments to see Dr. L (oncologist) but I had to reschedule them all. I ended up getting sub jobs that day and well….she doesn’t pay my bills, right?! So, I had to work and reschedule the appointments. NO ONE told me it was urgent and that I had to come in – so I was taking that as NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS. I was getting a weird attitude from her office as to me rescheduling the appointments – but there was “never anything at 3:30” which was when I was available to come in. So…that’s not MY fault!

      I’m going to see her mid-February and I just have to put it in God’s Hands. If there was something pressing about my Dairy Queens SOMEONE at their office would have called me. And, as my Primary said to me too, Dr. B, she too has to trust that if there was something ODD someone would have contacted me. So – I’m on to other things. Other FIRES TO PUT OUT. URG. Cowden’s doesn’t give us ANY rest.

      • I am definitely from the school of no news is good news… That being said I think its downright illegal fir them to sit on dangerous results. SO, you should be fine. That being said, I have been known to call the facility where I had my test and request a copy of the report. Just saying…

      • HUM…you’re right! But I KNOW they will tell me I have to get it from my doc. Soooooo I will just call Dr. L’s office in the morning and tell them I’d like a copy of my report mailed to me! BAM! Boooo-yah!

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