Hysterectomies are hysterical!

Well.  They’re actually not.

But what do you do when it’s placed before you?  The reality is staring you down?

I’m 40.  Now I’m not loving that – but I’m trying to embrace it. It’s fine, really.  No big whoop.  I thought it was going to be a big deal.

You know what?

BRAIN SURGERY (2 TIMES) IS A BIG DEAL….Just sayin.

Part of me still held a little, tiny, bit of hope that I’d be able to be a mother one day.  Back in my 30’s I still had hope.  (Get it?  Hoepforheather.  HAH.)  But, that’s not in the cards.  OK.  So, time to put on my big girl panties as I’ve said before with stuff.  But now – it’s not Dairy Queen stuff.  It’s uterus stuff.  I’m feeling peaceful about it now.  I know that when time gets closer I’ll experience fear, sadness, loss, anger, more fear, and a myriad of other emotions.  Thanks to  Cowden’s Syndrome, my age and femaleness.  I used to joke if I wasn’t high-maintenance before last summer (craniectomy, Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis), I sure am now! 🙂

Vintage neon Dairy Queen sign, Ottawa, Canada.

Vintage neon Dairy Queen sign, Ottawa, Canada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

See, something is going on.  Something is not quite right.

Normally, with my cycle I’m as regular as a – um.  I don’t know.  But I mean, you can set your watch to it.  Every 28 days.  For reals.  Although probably for the last 6 months or so (maybe longer?) things have been weird.  I’m not going to detail too much about it (although remember in my ABOUT ME page I do state I have no filter.  IT ALL COMES OUT HERE.  I don’t sugar coat this for anyone!  Positive today?  Sure.  But you know what tomorrow might bring?  Fear and anger and sadness.  So – if you don’t want to be part of the program?  That’s just fine with me.  I’m getting thicker skin thanks to Cowden’s Syndrome apparently. 🙂

My cycle was supposed to start on Christmas Eve.

No dice.

Nada.

Zilch.

Not one freaking hint of ANYTHING remotely related – except a weird migraine – related type headache a few days after Christmas.  It’s so odd.  For it to just stop.

The timing is so interesting to me because I have seen the OB about having surgery to get rid of my uterus on May or June of this year.  When I last saw Dr. K he wanted to talk to an OB-GYN Oncologist (I think?  But really.  Who knew there were even such doctors?) about me.  Urg.  I feel weird being the one that all these doctors talk about.  I miss the days when I could just see Dr. B for a sinus infection and then go home!

So he talked to someone about me, but I don’t recall what he said the other doctor said.  That’s OK.  It doesn’t’ really matter because if it did I’d have remembered it.  🙂  HAH.  So, Dr. K told me all my options (No thanks, I’m not doing the pill again) and I just said, “I’m ready for it to go.  It’s doing anything for me anyway.”  Plus, I knew that if I didn’t make a decision about it soon….I’d just hum and haw about it.  Back and forth and back and forth.  Wait.  I can’t get rid of my uterus!  I’ll never be able to be a mother and have children!

Wait.  I have Cowden’s Syndrome with a 1 in 2 chance (I believe) of passing on CS to my child so it’s time to say goodbye.  NONO.  Too much of that cray cray!

But let’s look at the facts before I continue to waste anymore time:

1).  Am I able to have children due to Cowden’s Syndrome?  (Well, YES I could try.  But the risk to me is too great to pass it on to my child. Even if there was a 1 in 1 billion chance I’d pass it on – I just would not do it.  With all that I’ve gone through, nono.)

2).  My age.  I’m freaking 40.  There are a zillion possible complications for me to have a bio child at this age even if I didn’t have a genetic condition.

3).  And let’s not forget – the magic bullet – I’m at a 20-30% something risk of uterine cancer due to my friend Cowden.

40.

40. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know there’s going to be a lot of loss and mourning coming soon when the time gets closer.  That’s OK.  That’s part of life.  To learn and grow and mourn and try to become stronger from it.  That’s what I’m in the process now I think – trying to become stronger from the surgeries last summer.  And it’s also why I created this blog.  To dump it all here.  To write it out – and then leave it all here, on the computer desk – in the Internet sky…and then go to sleep and face tomorrow as best as I can.

Any questions?

Oh wait.  I forgot another important one!

What about all the money I’ll be saving on feminine supplies each month?!

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10 thoughts on “Hysterectomies are hysterical!

    • Thanks mucho my friend! Your support means so much to me – really. I know you don’t have Cowden’s Syndrome – but I KNOW you are “IN IT TO WIN IT” with me…and that buoys me up more than you know!

      I know I am getting stronger, I know I am working through this, the good days are getting better, and the bad days are getting less…or least are getting easier to manage and deal with.

      With the support from friends like you…and a few, select others, I know I can DO ANYTHING!

  1. Heather, if you anticipate mourning, sadness, sorrow, fear, etc in your head, writing it down, etc…there is more of a chance of it coming true. I understand you are trying to get it out of your head because it causes more anxiety. But don’t you think it’s time to drastically change your thinking? Greet every moment of everyday with gratitude? I know you are grateful for your loved ones and many experiences and things in your life. Life is much too short to think too far into the future. Too anticipate the worst….All we have is this moment. Work on today. What joy can today bring you? I’m not saying don’t express your feelings here. Just be more realistic. You can still be a mother and experience everything life has to offer. No, I do not have Cowden’s, but I am the same age as you and I do have similar afflictions to yours. I face the same fears as you. I refuse to give them power over me. I choose to make the best of every day I am blessed with. Worrying about things that haven’t happened is a waste of my precious time….Prayer, meditation, working very hard everyday on changing the way my mind thinks and living the healthiest and most generous life I can. Those are the ways I want to spend my days. When I find myself looking too far into the future my anxiety builds and takes over. I choose to skip this step entirely….Living each moment to the fullest…You are a beautiful, kind, intellegent, strong, loving and generous being with much life to live and enjoy. Live in the moment. Deal with these issues when the moments arrive. Much love and light to you….

    • What do you know about my thinking? You see what I write here, which is only a glimmer of things I deal with on a daily basis. This blog, (among other tools I am actively using) are how I AM dealing with my issues (my life) as they arise.

      Thank you for the compliments – I wish the same to you!

  2. I think it’s healthy to anticipate negative emotions. You’re not acting like you’re going to be able to be okay with this 100% of the time. No one would be and if they say they are, I have to think they may be putting up a front. Logically, it doesn’t seem losing your uterus will be a be deal since the odds are against you having a healthy bio child, but as a woman, I know that in my heart, it would hurt no matter how damn logical my brain is being. I think it is a great gift how you are able to explain your situation with humor while still making it come across how heartbreaking it is.

  3. First of all welcome to the 40 something club (yes, there are others!) and secondly good luck with all the big decisions. I agree that a blog can be a good way to express all those confusing feelings – I do the same. I hope you can also find other ways to look after yourself while making these choices and embracing who you are (obviously more than Cowden’s!)

  4. First of all, I can’t imagine going through what you’re going through. I hope to have kids someday, and I know that if that possibility were taken away, I would be sad about it for quite some time. I think it’s great that you put raw feelings out onto this blog.

    But I do like to think of the kitties at the shelter, who not only have their reproductive organs removed as a routine procedure, but go through abuse, neglect, sickness, and stress, and still act so happy and grateful after it all.

    Human beings are unusual in our deep psychological attachment to our reproductive organs. You will probably be healthier and (in the long run) happier if you have a hysterectomy. And even without kids, you can do a lot of good in the world – toward other people and toward the animals! And you can always adopt a child (which I know isn’t the same, but you would love that child regardless) 🙂

    • Your comment is beautful, thoughtful, and touching. It has made my day and I want you to know that. Thank YOU for your kindness in reaching out. It really goes a long way and YOU TOO hit the nail on the head.

      and YES I do hope to have the opportunity to adopt one day soon! 🙂

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