Slippery Slope

I heard from the neurosurgeon’s office today and evidently I was supposed to have a brain scan (MRI) before my appointment this week.  I didn’t end up seeing him after all due to emergency patients that came in and I got bumped.  At first I was frustrated because my time is important and I’m worth the consideration of not having spent an hour in the waiting room for nothing; however, in driving away from the office I was filled with gratitude.  Grateful that I wasn’t that emergency patient.  You see, during the summer of 2011 – I was that emergency patient.

The Back Office girl called today and told me the update and that Dr. H wants a scan and that she will be submitting the paperwork this week, etc.

Here comes the tricky part:  If I find out the tumors have grown – what will that do for me?  Will that help me?  Will that help the doctor in any way?  These tumors are inoperable as per Dr. K, and that word, inoperable, strikes sickness in my stomach.  A literal pit of anguish in my stomach.  Gangliocytomas are apparently slow-growing tumors.  But what does that mean?  What does that mean to you?  To me – it means that the tumors won’t grow for another 45 years and when they do start to grow it will be such a slow rate that I will be at peace and I will have lived my life already.  I don’t feel I have lived my life to the fullest and I fear that if these tumors are growing now the shunt and other things will interfere with my quality of life.  I’ve become quite fond of this part of my life and I don’t want it to change.  I just don’t.

But what if there isn’t any growth?  Of course that’s what we all want.  THIS IS WHAT I HOPE FOR!  Mom thinks that maybe it’s not the best idea for me to have an MRI…but I’m kind of leaning towards needing one.  I mean, for heaven’s sake – it hasn’t even been 2 years since the surgeries so we kind of need to see their growth pattern, right?

I don’t know.

I don’t know how I feel or what I feel.

I don’t want to be scared.

I told mom that I was doing the best I could today (after talking to “B.O.G”).  I worked today; I had my book (that I’ve tried to get through FOREVER)…and I just got through today.  🙂  I’m exhausted.  Fridays seem to do this to me.  But Nephew #1 is here and I just love hearing him say, “Wait for me Grandma!” as they are working together in the backyard.  These times (with my nephews) are what give me strength to go forward.

10 thoughts on “Slippery Slope

  1. My son just had an MRI today. Its no fun but it’s better to know what’s going on. You are young and God still has you here with us for a reason. God bless you!

    • How did he do in the scan? Did you write that he had to get sedated? You are correct – it IS better to know what’s going on and I fully believe that too. I’ve been having some other issues that I don’t *THINK* are related but nonetheless, I still wonder. Thanks for your kind comment.

  2. You can spend a lot of time and energy worrying about things that may never happen. I do it too. I have to tell myself to ‘Stop’ or I will miss enjoying today. Good luck.

    • Yes – how true indeed. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. This is part of the reason why I have a blog and write about my fears. SO…I wrote about it and then my hope is to get on up and continue about my life and then deal with the scan, etc. when the time comes. I like that…”STOP!”. I will start using that. 🙂

  3. That’s really hard that you’re having a test for something you know can’t be treated. Personally, I’m with you and would want to know if they have grown, even if there is nothing to be done. I’m sending positive energy your way. You’re a strong woman!

  4. Knowing can be a blessing, no longer worrying over the what ifs. Sure there is the anxiety that can come with knowing the results if they aren’t what you are praying for, but at te same time having peace of mind so you know what to expect may be worth it.

    And when all else fails ask God. 🙂

  5. I believe that you need to do what makes you comfortable. For me, I do better knowing what the situation is so that I don’t worry myself about a possibility and I can get a plan of action. I’ve had MRIs before b/c I have other issues besides my breast cancer. I am thinking of you ~ I will keep you in my prayers. Keep the strong healthy attitude…xoxo

  6. My next MRI Brain Scan is booked for the 12th of March. This will be the first one since my brain operation in August 2012.

    I am not thrilled about the idea, but also it does not threaten me as the scan is not the problem in my life, it is the uncertainty and concern that there might be regrowth of my brain tumour. I must admit that I have kept myself busy with work, time with my family and I started running again, so in a sense the only reminder of this “intruder/illness” in my life is the medication that I take daily (something I have never had before).

    Good luck and thinking of you. Don’t let it distract you from living your life and taking the most from everyday!

    • How true you are…the brain scan isn’t the problem! It’s the gangliocytoma and Cowden’s Syndrome…but yet it’s more than that. Those 2 things are annoyances. Inconveniences. Right? That’s where my focus needs to lie (and be redirected quite often)…they aren’t my life…they are just PART of my life. Thanks for the comment that helps me get back on track! I had done a few 5K’s over the years…my goal is to actually jog one in the near future.

      • Just do it!! Good luck as well – I have managed a 10km Night Race this week in Stellenbosch. Even though I truely struggled at times, I finished! A year ago in the same race, prior to my diagnosis, I also struggled, but that was with the 5 km. At least some progress in more positive ways!!

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