Big step

HAH, Freudian slip here?  I just typed “Big stop”.

I just hung up the telephone with the OB-GYN’s office and left a message for the nurse to call me back.  I realized that the decision about when to have the hysterectomy isn’t going to get any easier, go away, or be miraculously made on its own. This is my decision.  My timing.  My choice.  (Note:  Unless I wait too long and my mutated genes decide to make the decision for me.)  But this fact remains unchanged:  I have a 1 in 2 chance of passing Cowden’s Syndrome (PTEN Hamartoma Syndrome) to my child.  Knowing what I know now…I cannot and will not play those odds.  Never mind my age (41) is working against me as well.

I guess I am really lucky though to be diagnosed a few years ago because if I were younger (30ish) and had a prospect for marriage, etc. it would be super-difficult for me to go ahead with the hysterectomy.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s very hard anyway.  But, if I were 15 years younger, I might have played the odds.  All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and have a child.  Going forward with this is so final.  Scary.  It just dawned on me I am thankful that I know about CS at this age because the decision is a bit easier for me, if that makes any sense.


Choices (Photo credit: Sky Noir)

My hope is that since the ball is rolling forward I will be able to process this monumental step over the next few months.  The loss, the fear, the questions, ANOTHER SURGERY. AGAIN.  I think that is the main reason I have put this off for as long as I have; I am not looking forward to another surgery and the risk of complications.  Two brain surgeries in my lifetime was 2 too many.  Apparently I don’t play the odds so well.


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