It dawned on me this morning the hysterectomy is in 13 days [!]
What does that mean? What am I supposed to be doing? Thinking? Feeling? Should I be doing more? Less? I keep thinking back to the few days before the brain surgery. I walked in a fog. Sheer terror and panic engulfed me. But, this? It’s different, right? I am going to be losing PARTS OF ME. These “parts” aren’t necessarily bad in theory (because a brain tumor = BAD)…but yet, what? My body isn’t on friendly terms with my uterus much. My uterus cannot be trusted anymore. I cannot risk it turning angry in the next X amount of time and then me having to face cancer. It’s weird. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s a mess. I’m a mess. These are the decisions I must face due to Cowden’s Syndrome. There is so much unknown. What if I get cancer? What if I don’t? What if I am making the wrong decision? This is final. No going back. And yet I wonder at times, “Will people look at me differently? Will they be able to tell? Will people pity me? Oh, she’s the girl who had to have a hysterectomy because she might get cancer? Poor, dear.”
This is real life, folks. No unicorns and rainbows here.
This morning I have thought about all the things that you can do in 13 days. I went off to Dr. Google (my pet name for him) and found some things I’d like to share:
- With 13 days to live, what would you do? (To be honest: I didn’t read the entire link. It’s not unicorn and rainbows and not something *I* should read now. 13 days before the hysterectomy. ANY surgery comes with risks, and yet I feel I am forced to have this surgery [to remove my cancer risk] and I am walking into this willingly. Does that make it better?)
- 13 things your Mail Carrier won’t tell you (I’m going to check #7 next time I get the mail. Wouldn’t that be neat if it’s really true? AND…who’s experienced a nice #11? YIKES!)
- Mentally strong people: the 13 things they avoid (I need a big cup of this now! Do I consider myself mentally strong? I think I should be strong considering the things I’ve endured. But, it’s just practice, right? Sometimes I can fake myself out thinking I am mentally strong. Then, as I think ahead to 12/10….nah, not so much.
- 13 (musical) (This looked cute. I need more musicals in my life.)
- Mother shows up ALIVE 13 days after her own funeral (I don’t have words for this. I am not trying to be macabre with some links about death and dying. I am completely floored by this link!)
The bottom line is that I have 13 more days to process, pray, and breathe about this pending surgery. This surgery is not like last time. My head is not going to be cut open for 13 hours. This time it will be different. I am different. I walked through those 2 surgeries and survived. And, you know what else? I’m probably going to have more surgeries in my lifetime. Now, I don’t ever want to get passive about this (surgeries are NOT a way of life!) I must somehow wrap my brain around what is. I made this decision for the hysterectomy to take control of my life. Cowden’s Syndrome is in my life but it is not my life. Balance. Practice. Falling and then getting back up. Fear, then faith.