This is a free-write.
Today was supposed to be “ultrasound day” at the hospital. But, no one bothered to tell me that I needed to be fasting for the abdominal ultrasound. Scratch that then. So, I only had my thyroid ultrasound as scheduled. Thankfully. This technician was a new one; normally the hospital staff knows me by first name, or at least by “Cowden’s Syndrome”. I didn’t care for her all that much. I’m just going to say it here: IF YOU DO NOT OWN THE EMPATHY GENE IN YOUR BODY THEN GET THE FREAK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. STAT!
She kept saying to me, “I need you to move your head back. Can you move it back more?”
(Well, lady. I had brain surgery 2 times and part of my skull is missing. I don’t have the range of motion like I once did. So, the short answer is NO.)
But, I was willing. And I tried. At first she
wadded rolled up some hospital gowns and wanted to put that under my shoulders to have my neck be at a specific angle. I almost spit out my water because I thought she wanted that to go under my head! No freaking way crazy lady! I am not putting anything like that under my head. (I’m just thankful I can put my pillow under my head, and even that took a long time coming.)
In the past, thyroid ultrasounds I have experienced have been a bit more involved. Meaning, the technician is mowing (my word) the wand all over my neck and clicking away on the keypad. Today was different. She was almost babying my neck. Now, in her defense, I had told her about the brain surgeries, but that shouldn’t have made any difference in how she did the thyroid ultrasound. (Note: I must continue to have thyroid ultrasounds not so much of the thyroid cancer risk, but to watch the small amount of thyroid tissue that is still remaining in my neck. Since Cowden’s Syndrome is tumor/cell overgrowth – it just needs to be watched.)
I left the hospital and came home to some work “issues”. I get that we all have work issues. Life is in session.
No getting around that. But, as hard as it is for me to admit it – I need some help of the pharmaceutical kind. I didn’t want to get back on medication. But, I think I need to. I am having such difficulty dealing with life on life’s terms. Because, I don’t like life’s terms right now. Period. I miss having money. I miss having independence. I miss having a life FREE from all this crap. I don’t have the tools to manage this. I just don’t. I admit that. I feel like a failure. That I couldn’t do it by myself. But, I really can’t. And it all boils down to money. Money that I don’t have.
Part of the reason I post the “Photo of the Day” and “Fun Fact Friday” is to make sure I have some positive things to focus on here. Because out there? I have enough negative to deal with. Don’t we all though? What makes me any different? I’m not really. Of course. But, I want to be! I want to have a rich and full-filled life but without money (read: job) how is that even possible?
So, I come to my blog. I get on the whiny pot for a while. And, it feels good to write about it and to own it all. Own all my fears. My failures. My hopes. My dreams. My frustrations. My anger. My sadness. My terror. All of it. I own it here because it’s a safe place for me to do that. But, no sooner than I finish a blog post about what’s affecting me presently, then I need to leave it all here and go about the rest of my day.
The perfect job doesn’t exist. The perfect health/body doesn’t exist. The perfect life doesn’t exist. I get all that. I don’t like it; but I get it. What I get to do today is try to come to terms with what’s in front of me.
And, I will. It make take longer than I expected. But, I will.