The Change

I thought about some funny titles for this post, “The Change of Life” or some such things.  Today being Mother’s Day and all.

I was pondering last night how this is my First Mother’s Day with the PERMANENT AND NOT EVER CHANGING FACT that I will never be a mother.  Now, you can add the terms “biological”, “or there are other ways to be a mother” and of course I TOTALLY GET THAT.  But, this post (and my blog) isn’t to be rational, er, kinda.  🙂

It’s to write and be honest and raw.  To be who I am whole-heartedly.  To own that.  To embrace me and all that I am.

I’m never going to be a mother. I’m never going to have the miracle of life growing inside me.  I will never able to look at another human being and know that I created that with a husband.  Gone. Done.  Not happening.  Off the table.  5 months ago today I made the decision to have a hysterectomy.  I have had huge things on my mind since the Lhermitte-duclos Disease and Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis (colonoscopies, breast cancer, etc.) but “uterine cancer risk” was like a small gnat buzzing around my head. I couldn’t shake it!  I knew I had to decide soon…but, I still hung on.  It still took me a LONG time (most of 2012) to finally say with all assurance and the strength I could muster, “NOT GETTING UTERINE CANCER TRUMPS NOT HAVING CHILDREN.”  Saying it, I get it.  But feeling it?  It’s a different story.

I’m sad.  But, relieved?  My soul hurts; but I’m feeling empowered knowing that I took a stand against Cowden’s Syndrome, at least for a small part, and faced the cancer risk

straight on and said, “Keep on moving.  You’re not staying here.”

PS:  Hot flashes are the devil on earth and I pray for relief from them.  One day.  Sigh.

I need this!

PPS:  Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

 

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