I thought about some funny titles for this post, “The Change of Life” or some such things. Today being Mother’s Day and all.
I was pondering last night how this is my First Mother’s Day with the PERMANENT AND NOT EVER CHANGING FACT that I will never be a mother. Now, you can add the terms “biological”, “or there are other ways to be a mother” and of course I TOTALLY GET THAT. But, this post (and my blog) isn’t to be rational, er, kinda. 🙂
It’s to write and be honest and raw. To be who I am whole-heartedly. To own that. To embrace me and all that I am.
I’m never going to be a mother. I’m never going to have the miracle of life growing inside me. I will never able to look at another human being and know that I created that with a husband. Gone. Done. Not happening. Off the table. 5 months ago today I made the decision to have a hysterectomy. I have had huge things on my mind since the Lhermitte-duclos Disease and Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis (colonoscopies, breast cancer, etc.) but “uterine cancer risk” was like a small gnat buzzing around my head. I couldn’t shake it! I knew I had to decide soon…but, I still hung on. It still took me a LONG time (most of 2012) to finally say with all assurance and the strength I could muster, “NOT GETTING UTERINE CANCER TRUMPS NOT HAVING CHILDREN.” Saying it, I get it. But feeling it? It’s a different story.
I’m sad. But, relieved? My soul hurts; but I’m feeling empowered knowing that I took a stand against Cowden’s Syndrome, at least for a small part, and faced the cancer risk
straight on and said, “Keep on moving. You’re not staying here.”
PS: Hot flashes are the devil on earth and I pray for relief from them. One day. Sigh.
PPS: Happy Mother’s Day Mom!