Doing it different, if only for today

I write to understand myself better.  I write to understand Cowden’s Syndrome, and Lhermitte-duclos Disease better.  Some, if not most of it, isn’t pretty.  I don’t want to censor myself here.  On my blog.  The place that I have to be me and can be open and honest about everything that is in my heart.  I use this blog as a journal so that I can look back on things to see growth and change (for the better, is always my goal).

With that all being said, I’m not sure how to write about this while keeping things “clean”.  Ahem.  There have been about 4-5 times since the hysterectomy (December 2013) where I have found “stuff” that shouldn’t be found.  (I am sure you can infer where I am going with this.)  While it concerned me and unnerved me for a bit, I was so shocked that I wasn’t sure I could believe what I was seeing.  But since it has happened only a handful of times in the last 7 months I knew it wasn’t a dire situation.  So I let it be.

It happened again this morning.  My first thought and instinct was, ” THE BAD PLACE.  MUST GO THERE NOW!”  But, I came back from there very quickly.  Much to my happiness (and shock, actually).  I reminded myself that I could count on one hand how many times this issue had occurred since December.  Took some deep breaths.  Knew (and felt) it was time to call the doctor; I couldn’t ignore this any longer.  But, more than that.  I didn’t want to ignore this any longer.  I was ready to take the steps to look into this further.  I think that Cowden’s Syndrome; and Lhermitte-duclos Disease has made me very gun-shy when it comes to things going “wrong” with my body.  I don’t know if I was ignoring this, technically, but I guess I was self-preserving?  Hoping/thinking/wishing/feeling/wanting it to eventually stop that I didn’t need to jump to the doctor as I usually do.  This is very interesting to me as I’m writing this.  One of the biggest anxiety factors for me presently that I am working on is I don’t want to “miss” anything in my body and get blindsided again with another 5 cm tumor in my cerebellum (or elsewhere).  That makes me always on guard because I have to be ready.  I will do anything and everything to catch another brain tumor.  But, yet with this issue post-hysterectomy, I was content to wait it out a bit to see if it worked itself out.  I think that’s growth.

Made some calls and I have an appointment scheduled in a few weeks.  “Scar tissue; nothing to be overly concerned about; we will take care of this for you, doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes it does,”

I am still breathing.  It is OK today.


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