Have you heard of the show Married at First Sight? Now, I don’t want to debate anything on this show, really. It’s just a reality show like all the others (to me). But, I do admit to watching it and last night one of the “experts” said this quote and it really resonated with me. Here’s why:
I know I am stuck on the brain surgeries. I know they paralyze me with fear daily. I know that I must use every ounce of strength I have to overcome the terror from those 2 experiences and move on. I know this. I know it’s my past. I know it was 3 years ago. I know that today I am not having brain surgery (and I better not have to have another one, but that’s besides the point!). I know all this. My rational mind tells me this every single day. “It’s done. Move on. Get going.” But I am here to tell you it’s not easy, folks. Sure, there are good days, and even better days. (Yoga makes some days better!) And in fact, there are some days, that turn into weeks, where I don’t think of laying on the operating bed being wheeled into the operating room. That I don’t think of exactly what I was feeling minutes before that. Saying, “I love you” to my Mom wondering if I was ever going to see her again. This is all my past. I get that. But the problem is that I am living with 2 brain tumors and the unknown of having another brain surgery(s). I know that’s the part of life we all must deal with – the unknowns. I didn’t know I was going to get 2 brain tumors, until I did. And, I don’t know I’m going to get breast or colon cancer, until I might. Or will. Or who knows. This is a weird road to be on. This is a weird thing to have to wrestle with every single day. This is my cross to bear, just like we all have our crosses. These are mine. I get that. I’m not downplaying anyone else’s.
So, to the point of the quote: If I stay too much “in” the brain surgeries, it’s going to keep me there. How true is this! It was magic to my ears, really. But, no amount of Yoga, or substitute teaching, or shopping, or anything will magically “snap” me into the present. If there were, I would have snapped that band years ago. I’m sure if I wasn’t struggling so much financially it wouldn’t be so difficult to leave the past in the past. If I felt some semblance of my life “before surgeries” I probably would feel more confident in the direction my life is presently. (Isn’t it funny how much stock we put into money? Or employment? And when those are “taken” from us how much it rocks all we thought we were?) – in fact, maybe that’s the root of things. That since I’m no longer working (I do substitute teach but I don’t really call that gainful employment) THAT is where I am stuck. Or WHY I am stuck. I don’t feel confident in my abilities as an employee, and to be honest, I don’t feel confident in my abilities (that’s not the right word but just work with me here) as a woman. But every day I try to do this. I try to leave the past in the past and get IN my present and future. And yet every day feels like a failure. Utter failure.
Cowden Syndrome robbed me of that ability. That choice. That right. Yes, I believe it is a right of every woman to be a mother. Not that every woman treasures that right, but that’s another post, too. That beautiful opportunity to be a mother. And these dang brain tumors robbed my confidence. I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know the magic elixir to “get on with it”. Because if I knew what it was, I would have drank it years ago. I guess I am tired of things being hard. I am tired of being scared. I am tired of feeling weak.I don’t know how to tie this post up into a nice little bow and say, “Well, here it is. Here is how you leave the past in the past and just deal.”
This is my life. It’s real.
Guess I need more of that hope today.