When I was diagnosed with brain tumors and knew I was going to have to have brain surgery, my biggest fear was that I would wake up from the surgery different.
For the past 3 years I haven’t really felt much change. And, thankfully, when I woke up from the surgeries, I wasn’t different.
But lately, something is changing. And I don’t like it. It’s scaring the hell out of me. My balance is getting much worse. The vertigo episodes are happening more often. I feel like something is under my feet and I’m going to trip and fall. These things are happening more and more.
And, there’s no going back to what once was. Meaning, there is no pill I can take that will make this better. No procedure that will make the vertigo episodes stop (or at least if there is one, I’m not willing to do it right now). There is no magic elixir to help all these symptoms go away. (I’m even frustrated with Yoga because it’s not helping with my balance and I was hoping-beyond-hoping that it would.) This is what happens when you have 2 brain tumors in your cerebellum.
Did I think I was invincible? Of course not.
Did I think I had escaped any effects from the brain tumors/surgery? Kind of.
It’s getting real. And I’m scared.
But let me say something here: If you know anyone who has a chronic condition, whether it be cancer or brain tumors or anything else, while you may mean well trying to be a cheerleader, it’s not as simple as “changing your thinking.” Because BELIEVE ME – if it were, I would have done it 3 years ago.
Please don’t tell me to “change my perspective” if I tell you something about the brain tumors. Because that tells me you’re not a safe person for me to share my life journey with and you think you can “fix” me or Lhermitte-duclos Disease. And, while I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, this can’t be fixed.
Sometimes, I just need a friend. Someone to listen. Someone to give me a hug and say, “I’m sorry, Heather. I’m here if you need anything.” That’s it. Nothing more. No pep talk, UNLESS I ASK YOU FOR ONE.