Have you heard of the phrase “God Shot”? I provided a link so you can read about it if you’d like. Maybe it’s only a 12-step idiom, but it applies in what I am about to write. Not merely coincidence. Truly a God Shot.
Some of you know I have worked out for about the last 9 months or so. Initially I began for weight loss, but I haven’t grasped the concept yet of what I need to do to lose weight. I can blame medication (a very possible, practical reason), or that I am working out quite vigorously 2-4 times a week and on most days probably not eating enough (even those I have a smart-phone app that I can use to manage my calories! Grrr!), or that I am a middle-aged post-menopausal woman. Regardless the reason(s), the weight-loss isn’t happening. But, other things are. I am stronger. I have increased my free weights from 5 lbs. to 8, (and last night I am happy to admit that the 8 lbs. felt VERY, VERY, LIGHT!). So, as they say, there have been some “non-scale victories”. I see them. 🙂
Unfortunately, since my balance is getting progressively worse these last couple of months, I have stopped Yoga class because it is defeating the purpose (I am not calm or at peace when I am worried I am going to FALL OVER in a pose!) of why I began Yoga to begin with. So, I have focused on the circuit training classes to build more muscle, continue to strengthen my heart, etc. In class last night something happened:
Sometimes the instructors will have us do lunges while balancing one leg behind us on a box (you can see where I am going with this….). When I knew he was going to have us do this I was debating as quickly as I could, “What should I do? Lunges with weights, no box…or just balance on the box without weights?” It was going to be one or the other, not both. I decided to drop the weights and just concentrate on the balance (in hindsight, not a good choice. I kept falling over. I was so wobbly. It made me angry. It made me so acutely aware of the things I cannot do [like balance on things]. I’m sad. And, mad. I should have focused on what I could do, instead of what I cannot do.) I may or may not have shed some tears. I was at a very low point.
THEN, the instructor told us to move the box in front of us. And, step up, alternating legs and then extending the opposite leg behind us. I froze.
I literally froze.
I couldn’t do it.
Even as I am sitting here writing this, those emotions of anxiety and sadness are coming right back up from my toenails.
The instructor came up to me, said something, I don’t quite remember what it was, extended his arm and helped me up. I thought for sure he’d tell me to do the other side (NOTE: In his defense, he didn’t know about the brain tumors and surgery, so he thought I just had a fear of getting up on that bloody box). I remember him asking, “Do you want to go again?” And I got up on the box using my other leg. With his support (holding my hands to support my balance) I had no problem stepping up on the box! If only I could have him or any of the instructors be with me during all classes for balance support. 🙂
At the end of that circuit everyone yelled and clapped. At the end of the class the owner told me, “I’m just over here in the corner” and she wiped her eye as if she wiped a tear.
This was a God Shot folks.
I am not able to do the things I once did because of my brain issues. But, I’m so lucky to be in places where people support and accept me where I am today.