I hate the WHY

I get that things in life don’t always run smoothly.  Especially since the diagnosis I am really aware of this, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry or upset at certain things.  I don’t take lightly to those people who are unprofessional, especially when I am collateral damage.  I don’t like it one bit.

I debated about how much of this I wanted to write, because I wasn’t sure who reads this and how far reaching my blog is.  But, in thinking more about it, I only write for me.  And, something happened 2 weeks ago (tonight) that really upset me.  And I need to write about it.  Really threw me for a loop and I’m very upset about it.  I have tried to figure out the why, where, who, and all of that, because I don’t want to be over reacting, or over-analyzing as I am wont to do.  But, I am my only advocate.  You won’t advocate for me and no one else will advocate for me.  Only me.  So, if something happens that I don’t understand, I fully deserve an explanation. Especially when it’s very weird and has to do with my medical care.  I have slipped through the cracks several times since diagnosis, and just 2 weeks ago painfully slipped through the cracks AGAIN and my instinct is to spit nails and say, “What the freaking EFF?”  So here we go:

People are human, and I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt.  At times though, you can only give the benefit when it’s deserved, you know?  It’s hard for me to do that when having a conversation to get closure all I am given are cop-outs and excuses.  It’s hard for me to be forgiving when the other person isn’t meeting me even close to the middle.  (Yes, this has to do with my medical stuff; no, it’s not an M.D.)  But, I am constantly learning that my healthcare is all-inclusive, meaning it now includes many more things than just my endocrinology or neurology appointment (such as, I had a reflexology appointment over the weekend and it was spec.FREAKING.tacular.)

While people are people and make mistakes, I am a human being with valid emotions living with HUGE stressors in my life that I will be forever dealing with.  I trusted someone, and they let me down.  I only wish I knew a few months ago what I know now, because I would have asked several pointed questions.  The main one being, “Have you read the chapter on ‘Terminating the relationship with the client’?  Do you have any questions?  Basically, it’s not brain surgery.  Trust me.  It’s not a big deal.  Don’t freak out about it, OK?  Let’s have a great working relationship and tell me when your last day here is OK so that we can both prepare for it.  How does that sound?”

I get that this incident is bringing up all these emotions from my past.  Feeling less-than, feeling disregarded, feeling like an after-thought, not feeling important enough to be given all the information in the beginning.  My friend brought up a great point tonight:  She said that I am basing my self-worth on him, which is exactly the opposite of what I want to do.  This has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me.  I get that.  But it’s still very saddening to me to realize this trusted person is not what I thought he once was.  And, the question that I’m still left with is, “WHY?  Why did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me all the information in the beginning?

Part of me is super-frustrated that I have to endure this garbage on top of the other things I am faced with on a daily basis.  I know it’s naïve to expect certain people in certain fields to treat me with compassion or courtesy; one should never have expectations.  However, I demand a lot from the medical staff I see.  I demand courtesy and respect.  It’s obvious this person was lacking on both of those and it’s a blessing that I am no longer working with them.  Another part of me is super-angry that I am forced to deal with this crap because if I didn’t have brain tumors or a rare genetic mutation I wouldn’t be writing about this, I wouldn’t have this blog, and I never would have met this person.

And for the record, courtesy always trumps evasiveness.  Just if you were wondering.



4 thoughts on “I hate the WHY

  1. Yikes! Makes me want to hear the rest of the story…
    Sorry this had to happen to you. It’s a shame that people can’t walk a mile in your shoes. They would act differently, in my opinion!

  2. I just can’t get my head around why he would do this, especially when he probably knows what it might “trigger” for you. He couldn’t have forgotten, unless there’s something wrong with his brain. It seems bizarre, really. I’ve had slightly similar experiences in mental health. It feels like a kick in the gut when it happens. Maybe it has something to do with it being mental health. In my experience, many of the workers have their own issues that can spill out into the client group. I agree about avoiding expectations, but when it comes to “professionals” that we are working with, it is our right to have expectations of their conduct and he is bang-bang out of order! I am intrigued to hear about what excuses were made/ any explanations by the supervisor and are they really aware of the potential damage this sort of idiot can do… perhaps you’ll write in another post. Great writing, BTW 😉

    • Thank you. Thank you so very much for understanding, and I am glad I wrote about this last night as I do feel a bit better. I get that this person was training, green, had life “outside” the therapy room. But as you mentioned, this person triggered every.single. insecurity within myself about “not being good enough” and if I had just been told the set-up from the beginning, all this would have been avoided. That is part of the WHY that I am forced to let go, and it’s hard.

      • I have had a couple of unfortunate experiences within MH and sometimes it feels safer just to completely cut them off, but why should you allow one bad apple to spoil your future use of this service.

        Oh and please delete the next comment about being confused over who I was replying to. It turns out, I WAS replying to the right person after all. Honestly, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and if I have 2 or 3 blogs open at the one time, I can easily get confused 😉

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