On dizziness

So, this dizziness thing is getting really old, yet I know I can’t hide from it and I’m a bit scared to accept that it’s happening more and more in different areas in my life.  Funny, as soon as I typed, “Scared to accept” it hit me like a ton of bricks.  All this boils down to is fighting the inevitableI need to accept this, and I’ve known that for quite a while.  I know I am scared, and I know I need to accept brain tumors and all they bring with them.  I am scared of the unknown, and I am scared of what my life will look like in 2, 5, even 10 years from now.  What type of life will I be able to lead with (chronic) dizzy and balance issues?  Thanks for nothing Lhermitte-duclos disease.  Eff you.

Anyway, what is triggering this post is on Sunday at church I noticed a new thing.  I guess there is always going to be “a new thing” with 2 brain tumors, right?  haha.  When I closed my eyes to pray, lowered my head, everything began to spin.  Ugh.  I mean, really.  Now, this?  I am forced to accept that when I’m praying to my Higher Power I have to navigate things spinning?  UGH UGHI can’t even.

Yes, I know that others have it much worse than I do.  I fully understand that.  Yes, I know I have much to be thankful for.  Yes, I know that I am able to still do so much, and I am doing all I can to focus on that:  exercising, volunteering, working when I can, spending time with family, etc.  But, that doesn’t mean I don’t get tired and overwhelmed.  So, that’s why I am thankful I still have this blog when I can write and whine when I need to.  Today I need to.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Probably more dizziness and vertigo.  And, I sure wish it didn’t.  I wish and wish and wish….blah blah blah.  I guess I need to stop “wishing” for so much and work more on the “accepting” of what is. 

But, I have to own my truth that I am just a bit sad today.


5 thoughts on “On dizziness

  1. Our father knows your pain and has no trouble with you lifting your heart AND your eyes UP to Him in prayer. It matters not one whit what others around you think about that.

    I am so sorry for this path that you must walk but ever grateful that you have your faith and your community to help.

  2. “Owning our truth” is a really great fundamental life skill that I am working [and failing at most of the time] on a daily basis. I’m glad you have this blog, too! For me, blogging and writing has always helped me verbalize and internalize my truth – and vent, and whine, and process – all making steps toward learning how to deal with changes. What I do know is that Father in heaven loves you, and I am sure He is just so proud of your courage and desire to pray to Him. Closing eyes, bowing our head, all those formal rituals are certainly not required to talk to Him. ♥

  3. 😦

    I’m so sorry for you. I know that’s the last thing you want to go through and how debilitating it can be! Maybe ask for Ativan? I know when I got that this fall, it made things a lot better and I was worrying less about the seizures!

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