I’m working on owning it

I’m doing the best I can to own my truth.  My life with 2 brain tumors and post-brain surgery is a drag sometimes.  While a few days ago I felt a smile return, it’s nothing like how I was feeling a few months ago.  I want to feel how I did then!  On Medication?  Check.  Therapy?  Check.  Exercise?  Check.  I’m still doing all those things now.  So, what the eff is wrong?  Why this depression still?

I have no idea.  I can’t piece anything together, really.  Except that I am noticing more and more issues delays problems (?) with my walk (gait) and balance.  I cannot stand still with my eyes closed (I mean, who does that on a normal day, anyway?) and I need more and more support when I’m working out.  I can’t tell you how frustrated this makes me!  I see everyone else doing the exercises and here I am using the wall for support.  Or, not using the free weights because I might lose my balance and fall.  Things like that.  Things like this make me feel different, and I have felt different my entire life.  I always felt like something was wrong with me, and most doctors I saw told me, “Just lose weight.  You’ll be fine.” (Never mind I had a huge goiter in my neck, and come to find out a huge brain tumor too!)  But, was it my intuition telling me that I was different?  Or that something was wrong with me?  Something not quite right?  I don’t know, but it took brain surgery to finally get me validated.  And now, when my brain feels “odd”, or “not quite right”, I am concerned that people are judging me.  I am concerned that people think I am faking, or “She had surgery and she’s fine.  So, what’s all this now?”

I can’t explain why I seem to have good brain days then bad ones.  Today, a bad one.  My brain feels like it’s getting mashed like potatoes or something, and then I know I’m not quite right when this happens.  I have a headache on crack.  Weather changes exacerbate it, I’m sure.  As does life, stress, or chocolate (HA).  But isn’t chocolate supposed to help stress?

I can’t deny that this cloud of depression is still hanging over me.  It’s never been this palpable where I can about taste it.  Nothing else has changed in my life to make this so much worse for me!    I am still in the process of scheduling an appointment at a large hospital for another test on my brain.  I am still volunteering.  I am still subbing when I can.  I am still managing my schedule with all my appointments.  I am still in dire financial trouble.  I am still involved in a 12-step program.

Am I over-analyzing things too much?  Probably.  Am I going to be searching ’til the end of time about why things change so much on a dime?  Probably.  Should I accept what I don’t like?  Of course.  I just don’t know how to do that.  My brain is a jumble of things on a moment-to-moment basis that if one thing falls through, I feel as though I am doomed.  Would I be feeling this same way if I didn’t have Lhermitte-duclos Disease?  I’ve always wondered that.  I’ve always wondered if this is just “Regular Heather” or “Brain-tumored Heather” and it just is.  I know that I am better on acceptance but no where close to where I need to be.  Because when something like this happens (the severe depression) it scares me so deeply because it has exacerbated my scars.

Does this make sense?  Why am I using so many question marks?  Because I am really trying to use this post as a therapy outlet, specifically for the depression.  I want to feel better.  I guess I just have to own today and accept that this is where I am today.  And, hope that tomorrow I’ll be in a better place.

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