I want to write something funny and witty.
I want to write about how good I feel; how positive I am; how much I have thrived lately; all in all having a grand time with life.
But, it’s not happening.
I am so sick.
Going on 4 weeks of coughing my brains out. Up every night at 2 AM and it does. not. stop. My ribs hurt. My body hurts. My back aches.
The inhaler and the mondo cough syrup doesn’t touch it.
I could muster everything else but for this cough.
It’s breaking me down.
You know, how when you feel crappy and your immune system is taking a beating part of you just wants to lay in bed all day and watch your stories? I have done a bit of that. Trying to rest and recover. Waiting and praying for the recover part to eventually kick in.
But, I’m being brutally honest here: I haven’t forgotten that I have a hereditary cancer syndrome. It’s taking every ounce of strength I have to NOT look online for, “What are the symptoms of lung cancer”. Call me crazy? Sure. Call me a worrier? Yes, I’ll admit that to a point. Look at my history and you’ll see why. But, I am writing to hold myself accountable that I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK ONLINE FOR THOSE websites. I have not. I will not. It doesn’t matter that “that type of cancer isn’t on the books” (like not needing an EGD before, but I digress), I’m a human being with feelings and fears. My body has let me down in the past and I struggle to keep it healthy presently.
There is no evidence supporting I have lung cancer, and I don’t even know if it starts with a cough. There is evidence supporting tons of other things, but not that. I’m writing all this mumbo jumbo to try and stay calm and focused on healing. Period.