Just came home from another P.T. visit. I am really lucky I got a few more visits approved. This Therapist is outstanding, and I know I have mentioned that in earlier posts. He is incredible at his job, and knows how to challenge my limits and get me right on the verge of tears. Good tears, I guess, but I wonder is there really such a thing? 🙂
I have mentioned this before also, these brain tumors have robbed me of my confidence. Confidence in my abilities to do what I once did. Walking, especially, because of the damage to my cerebellum. So, P.T. knows to go right to the heart of the matter and PUSH. ME. I mentioned this morning that one of my
concerns, fears, problems, complaints now with my balance is that I don’t feel sure-footed when I walk. I feel like I am going to fall, especially when I am carrying something, or when I cannot see my feet. It’s just reality now. I cope, sure. And, there is a lot of adapting. But, I am in physical therapy to get stronger and learn some other skills, right? So, guess what he made me do?
He put these foam rubber things in a straight line, gave me a box to carry, and had me walk across it. Without looking down to see where my feet were. I swear, folks. It was one of the hardest things I have done in a long, long, time. It sounds cheesy, sure. But, try to imagine it. I choked back quite a few tears. I cannot put into words how difficult it was to walk across that, or how it made me feel when it was over. Almost every single fear I have he magnified in this exercise, but for a greater purpose and I get that. I get that it was pushing me through the fear. Lots of fear. I know I wasn’t 10 feet off the ground (and that I was always safe), but the fear of falling was still great. I walked back and forth a few times, then thankfully we moved onto another exercise. My mind was mush after that! Couldn’t I have just done some sudoku instead? LOL
When I got to the treadmill, he had another tricky thing in store for me! I walked a mile on the treadmill, without holding onto the sides (so effing hard!) and he placed a sheet over the top of the machine so I couldn’t see my feet. It almost made me sick to my stomach that I couldn’t see my feet. I never realized how much I need to see my feet to get my bearings. When he took that visual cue away, it was painful. I was literally sweating everywhere. Kind of gross, actually. I am mentally exhausted and I want to take a nap. I probably need to push through this but I think I am going to listen to my body this time. Sleep, I am coming for you in a bit!