MIA

I know I have been MIA; I have quite a bit of catch up to do!

I saw this quote on Instagram this week and wanted to share it.  It has been on my mind and sums up how I have felt lately:

“There are moments which mark your life.  Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts – before this, and after this.”

I don’t know who said this, but I really like it and it speaks volumes to me about the brain surgeries.  My life will never be the same again and I can definitively see it divided into two parts: before July 27, 2011 and after.  Lately, I find myself having more difficulty communicating (processing) at work.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and that people look at me like I have 3 heads or something when I speak.  I feel foolish and that people humor me to my face.  I feel that my co-workers laugh at me behind my back and wonder what I am doing there.  I fear I will make a mistake.  I fear that my co-workers won’t and don’t understand me.  I fear that I sound like a fool when I speak (and don’t make sense) and jumble my words to try to communicate.  Things don’t seem to be going right in my brain.  Things are getting harder and I am scared.  Having a conversation with someone feels OK; it’s when I have to follow a list, lesson plans, verbal instructions, etc. is where I find myself having problems.

I do not like it and I do not know how to tell if this is really happening, or all in my head.  I do not want pity; I just don’t want to look stupid.  I would rather stay home and not do anything.  Where does that leave me trying to earn income to support myself?  If I cannot be a properly functioning employee?  What am I supposed to do?  And I am not yet approved for Disability so this adds heaps and heaps of anxiety to my dire financial situation.  Will this ease up anytime soon?