I know it’s good to be busy. But I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel like I am forgetting something. That is the oddest feeling. I haven’t had any medical appointments for a while and instead of relishing the quiet, I feel anxious. I feel like I am missing something and that makes me uneasy. This sucks. My life shouldn’t be this way. Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease are here to stay, and in fact, have been with me since Day 1. Yet since my diagnosis I feel this intense amount of pressure. Mental, emotional, call it what you will. I feel so much weight on my shoulders to manage everything, because it’s my life we are talking about here. If I forget to do something, who knows what it could lead to?
I know stress doesn’t help anything. I try to relax, I try to get good sleep. I volunteer to pay it forward. I just hate this feeling that if I “don’t do it right”, I will get sick again. You know, I think that’s it. I think I just had a mini-breakthrough. All this pressure I feel, that I am putting on myself, managing these Rare Diseases that must be done “right”, is giving me a false sense of security? That if I control everything (which I know I cannot) I can keep myself from getting sick again. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. The brain surgeries were just so terrible and the recovery was so painful, I’m terrified that I will have to experience that again.
This is where I must Let Go and Let God. I am trying. I don’t do it well, and I don’t do it perfectly. But, each day I try.