Let go

I know it’s good to be busy.  But I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel like I am forgetting something.  That is the oddest feeling.  I haven’t had any medical appointments for a while and instead of relishing the quiet, I feel anxious.  I feel like I am missing something and that makes me uneasy.  This sucks.  My life shouldn’t be this way.  Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease are here to stay, and in fact, have been with me since Day 1.  Yet since my diagnosis I feel this intense amount of pressure.  Mental, emotional, call it what you will.  I feel so much weight on my shoulders to manage everything, because it’s my life we are talking about here.  If I forget to do something, who knows what it could lead to?

I know stress doesn’t help anything.  I try to relax, I try to get good sleep.  I volunteer to pay it forward.  I just hate this feeling that if I “don’t do it right”, I will get sick again.  You know, I think that’s it.  I think I just had a mini-breakthrough.  All this pressure I feel, that I am putting on myself, managing these Rare Diseases that must be done “right”, is giving me a false sense of security?  That if I control everything (which I know I cannot) I can keep myself from getting sick again.  I don’t know if that makes sense or not.  The brain surgeries were just so terrible and the recovery was so painful, I’m terrified that I will have to experience that again.

This is where I must Let Go and Let God.  I am trying.  I don’t do it well, and I don’t do it perfectly.  But, each day I try.

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4 thoughts on “Let go

  1. I completely relate to this feeling of having to make sure I don’t drop any balls because I have to stay in charge of my life and my fate. I also understand the nagging worry that you carry around with wondering what you can do to avoid triggering something that will need surgical intervention. I don’t have any advice. I just make sure I sing every day. Hang in there, blogger sister.

  2. I think this is where prayer and mediation can help. We can only do our best, but you are so right: we need to be vigilant and do things just right so we can stay well and safe. Rest up, I’m sure you will get there. xo

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