I just got home from a funeral. A friend of mine died suddenly, way too soon. He was a young father and it is just such a tragic loss. Brought to my mind my dad’s funeral, what my funeral would have been like had I not made it through the craniotomies, things like that. Just a heavy morning. I know this is part of life, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I think of my friend’s poor mother (she’s a widow) and the pain in her heart that I cannot begin fathom. Heartbreak.
I began to see a new therapist a few weeks ago. Her style is much different than the one I had been seeing, and this one is focusing more on trauma healing. I like it. I am on board. There is such a wide array of things I need to address and heal from, this just fit perfectly. I have had two visits with her, and during both I was brought to tears. Sobbing. I am shocked that five years later I still fight with PTSD from the brain surgeries. Those few minutes before I was wheeled into the O.R. have fundamentally changed me. Dare I say permanently scarred me? I don’t know. But those memories and emotions are still down deep inside me and need to be processed and released. I am very much looking forward to this. What I find rather interesting is a day or two ago I dreamt I was caught in a torrential rainstorm. A huge downpour. Other people were near me, I was trying to find shelter from the rain, I didn’t have an umbrella, I didn’t know anyone around me. I did some research on rain in dreams, there is a connection here. The release of the brain surgery “stuff”, as it continues its course, and the downpour of the rain. Dreams are incredible.
While I continue to notice deficits, headaches, problems with my memory and auditory processing, I am thankful to work in Special Education when I can. I am very blessed to be in these classrooms and interact with the students. They make me smile. The help me focus. They motivate me to do my best always. These students have no idea how much they help me navigate life with brain tumors and a rare, genetic condition. The same goes for the person I am tutoring in English. The same goes for those I work with in my calling in church as Family History Consultant.
Life is weird. Life is not what I expected, that is for sure.
It just is.