A few days ago I tweeted out that I need to change my blog name to, “Headaches for Heather”. Because headaches. All the freaking time. And dizzy problems. Added to memory problems, and the list goes on and on and on and on…
I put on a good front most days. I have had 5 years of doing this so I am getting pretty good at it. But, I’m tired, you know? I am freaking tired. I am tired of having to “act like I feel well” when
some most days I am exhausted. No one sees me on the inside, no one takes the time to ask how I’m doing, because I know they don’t “really want to know”. Just the pleasantries. So I do the pleasantries in response as best I can. I am not bitter, just have accepted what now is.
However, when I am feeling a bit lonely (like I am tonight), I wish I had someone to call. I don’t write this for pity from anyone, just documenting my life with two brain tumors and a rare disease and sharing my story in my little space of the Internet. The reality is I don’t have anyone to call. No one to have dinner with, go shopping with, etc. And I have to pause and wonder why that is? I had friends before diagnosis, or at least I thought I did. Where are they now? Have I honestly pushed them away? I am always mindful of the things I now disclose to certain people, and even if others do bring up questions about my health I usually limit my responses (although it does depend on certain circumstances). So, that leaves me the questions: Did I bring this isolation upon myself? Or did those once around me leave because my life became too hard for them to continue to share it with me?