DRAFT from 1/3/2013

This blog serves me so many purposes and it’s given me an avenue to share my story (which includes my hopes and my fears).  There are no judgements, and all I’ve received since I created this blog July 2011 I hope I can give back to others.  Sure; my life isn’t what I thought it’d be at 40 years of age – but who’s life is what they’d thought it be at XX age anyway?  It’s about making lemonade with the lemons you have and all that jazz; learning to dance in the rain…blah blah blah.  I guess it really IS about those things.  🙂

In the new year I plan to write about other things in my life, because let’s face it…my life has pretty much only been about brain tumors and cancer risks for the last 18 months.  But I’m slowly getting it that there IS more to me than my brain tumors.  Once the afternoon of July 18, 2011 arrived and the knowledge of the brain tumors was SHOVED into my life – all the things I thought I could do was shoved down the toilet.

I just want to be heard – I don’t want to be treated like I have the plague.  That’s it.  I suppose this blog is helping me to “be heard” but for the people whom I was once close to….?

Either you are on this journey with me or you’re not.  I’m seeing people’s true colors now and it’s breaking my heart!

That has been one of the hardest things of all of this.  Seeing how people treat me differently.  I don’t share much at all about CS or LDD with real life people, except for a token few (Hi L!  Love you!) – and a few people from my church who I KNOW love me from the bottom of their hearts and do not pass judgment on me.

I know that life is going on – for them and for me.  I know that we all have things going on but it’s just that I still have trouble sometimes.  I have trouble fitting in.  I have trouble connecting with people.  The people I thought were my friends.  Of course I don’t want to bombard them with, “Oh I’m seeing the oncologist today, my neurosurgeon tomorrow, and the OB-GYN on Friday…” because let’s face it.  Who really wants to hear all that?  But even just a, “Hey – Heather how’s it going with things?”  would mean so much.

I’m on the pity pot.  I get to be here sometimes.  This is who I am with what I have on my plate.  Sometimes, I have a lot on my shoulders and I decide to write it all here so I can leave it here and then get on with my life.  I miss having conversations with friends about things.  Conversations – 2 way convos.  I miss it.

These feelings have been on the surface for me for the past little while – and it’s still hard for me to understand all these changes going on.  So, I get to write.  And I get to continue counseling.

You know…with a life threatening surgery last year…I was so afraid that I would be different.

But it has changed me.  I see things differently now. I process things differently now.  This really is the Heather Show now.  And you know what?  THAT IS OK.  This is what I need.

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