What defines you?

I have a tweet pinned on my Twitter profile that’s been weighing on me lately:

“Brain Tumors don’t define me”

But, you know what?  They DO define me.  As much as I struggle against them, they do.  Just about every waking moment I’m reminded how they have defined my life.  Can you guess how?  Not by the numerous doctor appointments.  Not by the many scans and procedures I now endure.  They define me because of my dire financial situation.

If I was able to keep maintain a job of some sort and had some income coming in, it’d be easy to be defined by something else.  I am a friend.  A daughter.  A sister.  An Aunt who just happens to have 2 brain tumors and a rare, genetic condition.

How do I find meaning in my life now when I can’t take care of my needs?  I am racked with guilt every moment of the day that these brain tumors forced me to beg for help.  (I guess I should look at it a different way instead?  That these brain tumors forced me to be humble?  I guess I wasn’t humble enough before?)

Why did major brain surgeries have to force me into submission? Today, I can’t pay for gas for my car or much needed clothes (my socks have holes in them) or even $900 to fix a crown that broke a few days ago.

Can anyone understand how my life is ruined now?  Credit cards are maxed out.  My retired-mother is forced to pay for my daily living expenses.  How can I see or hope for change?  Can anyone understand how these brain tumors DO define me, yet I want so much the opposite to be true?  I want to enjoy life.  Is that too much to ask?

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So, I’ll ask you instead.  How do YOU define yourself?

 

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2 thoughts on “What defines you?

  1. I have a cousin with chronic fatigue syndrome. She can’t define herself by what she does either, because she can’t do much even though she is wickedly talented in music and other stuffs.

    What defines me? I have to say it is how I face each day and each challenge. It’s the direction I’m headed (not where I am right now). It’s the wishes and intents of my heart.

    Like King Benjamin tells us, if you have nothing to give, but you say in your heart, “If I could give, I would.” Then it counts as though you gave.

    You have great value, Heather. Your blog is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing your struggles and reaching out to make connections on the internets. I have no doubt that you have made a difference in more lives than mine. ❤

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