I’m just plain sad

Years ago, I started to accumulate items for my Hope Chest.  Now, granted, I didn’t have one (nor have I ever had one),  but I sure wanted one.  And, I sure wanted the items that you’d store inside it.  Slow and steady, I started gathering items I was sure I’d need one day: baby clothes.

Well, today I stumbled across said items in a bag shoved under my bed.  Onesies, Christmas baby socks, newborn Halloween clothes.

And my heart broke a bit.

I realized that pretty much the only dream I ever had will not come true.  Cowden Syndrome robbed that opportunity from me.  Even if I just had the brain tumors, maybe I could have been a mother.  But, since Cowden Syndrome is a hereditary cancer syndrome, (Note:  Cowden Syndrome isn’t listed on that link.  #FAIL) there were outstanding odds I would pass this condition to my child.  (Even if I had had prospects for marriage, but that’s another thing entirely.)

But, I guess my point is:  I thought I had pretty much resigned myself to this fact.  The chance for motherhood will never be mine.  (The Chance).  No guarantees, I get it.  No way to know the future, sure.  But, even as I eked out my late 30’s, I still had a tiny bit of hope that I could be a mother one day.

So, in pondering about this tonight…I guess I am OK.  I thought I had done well with this whole thing, but seeing those baby clothes this morning brought up some angst that I had hoped was well hidden.

It wasn’t.

I’m sad.  I’m lonely.  I’m alone.  I’m just plain sad.  Sad that I know what Cowden Syndrome is.  Sad that I know what Lhermitte-duclos Disease is.  Sad that this is my life.

I’m only acknowledging this here.  I try to put the hard, nitty-gritty stuff here.  And, then get up and take care of business.  Volunteering, continuing strengthening my spiritual self, living my life the best way I can.

Sleep will be good for me.  Tomorrow is a new day.

I will work hard on leaving the sad here.

Goodnight.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “I’m just plain sad

  1. I recently had my 36th birthday and was feeling some of those feelings. I’m glad you shared yours with us. It’s good to feel understood. Hang in there

  2. Mine is a different kind of sad, but still due to brain tumors (my son’s) and it’s still because of what might have been. I understand the need to put it out there. To be heard. And then get up and take care of business. Keep on keeping on… the world may surprise you with possibilities in place of your “might have beens”.

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