I am worthless.
I feel so utterly worthless. These damn brain tumors have already taken so much from me! And they continue to chip away at any self-confidence I have left, which is very minimal to say the least.
I wanted to attend a Thyroid Cancer Conference this weekend. Wanted being the operative word. It’s 5:15 PM and I just remembered about it now. It’s over. I missed Friday’s, and missed all of today’s. I was in the works of being a moderator for an online support group for people with Thyroid Cancer. How can I do that when I can’t even remember a stupid thing like a virtual conference?!
I am a fraud. A big, freaking, fraud. Eff you Cowden Syndrome. And a BIG eff YOU to Lhermitte-duclos Disease too. You both robbed me of my heart’s desire and you continue, even 9 years later, to make me miserable.
I have mentioned that feeling many times over the last 9 years. I feel like a fraud: I may act like I have my crap together. But, I don’t. Not at all. I try to be positive. No one like a Debbie Downer. I try to act brave. But, I am not brave at all. I am terrified of dying alone. I am terrified of what my life will look like as my medical status moves forward.
I know it was only virtual. I know that there are more important things to worry about. But, as I continue to forget things, it just exacerbates my fear of what my life will be like one day.
What do you do to try to not beat yourself up about things?
One thought on “Fraud. Also TL, DR”
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. There are several things I meditate on to avoid feelings of worthlessness and to avoid beating myself up.
1. Knowing and understanding just how much Jehovah God loves and values me. (John 3:16; 1 Peter 5:7; Luke 12:6,7)
2. Realizing that worrying about things that are out of my control only makes things worse. (Matthew 6:25-33)
Jehovah God promises to remove our illnesses. Until then, tear yourself down for things out of your control. Do the best you can and take comfort in knowing God sees your work and appreciates you. (Hebrews 6:10)