Well, folks. I made it through the hearing.
I have refocused my thoughts since then to positive ones, but believe me, it’s very hard.
When I walked out of the hearing room I broke down. From the pent-up emotions, things the judge said, my stress, everything. I just lost it.
But, in the time that’s passed I keep reminding myself that: I DID MY VERY BEST. There’s absolutely no point in rehashing what I “wish I would have said”. I will hear the judge’s decision in 30 days.
I am repeating to myself a mantra: “I am health. I am wealth. I am love” – which translates to: I don’t want breast cancer. I want to be financially stable. I want significant love in my life.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and good thoughts. I am envisioning success!
Why does the word “everyone” look weird to me? Like I spelled it wrong?
Anyway. I just wanted to check in with you. I know I’ve been a bit sporadic with posting. Some days, my life is pretty basic and boring: I go to the gym and read (true story). Other days I am overwrought with medical appointments, scans, almost daily migraines, problems with my esophagus, etc. and I feel like a weirdo (also, true story). I try to stay busy and distract myself with things that are beneficial for my mental health: I love listening to podcasts (do you recommend any? I just finished this one and HOLY COW! I could write more on that soon); volunteering; reading (obvi); editing photos on Hipstamatic.
Of course, I didn’t ask for this life of brain tumors and hereditary cancer syndromes. Nevertheless, it’s mine. My point of writing is that this week I finally have my disability hearing before a judge. To say I’m terrified would be an understatement, you know? I have this weird feeling in my chest: Anxiety, obvi. But, I can still vividly see and feel and hear my diagnosis of July 18, 2011 as if it were yesterday. Literally. And, it’s like my entire life since that day is rolled up into a big ball and this week it’ll come to a head. Like, what is the purpose of my life since then? It’s been 6 1/2 years (just 3 1/2 years for the disability process alone) and have I been wrong all along? What will this judge think? Is there enough “medical evidence” to prove to the judge that I am different now and can no longer work?
I pray that there is.
I’ll be in touch soon. If you have any extra prayers, please send them my way, and to the judge too. ❤ Thank you.
If you don’t already know, I have a place on my blog where I’ve gathered links of PTEN/Cowden Syndrome information. I also wanted to share that there is a PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Foundation website: Please visit it often!
I know I have been pretty quiet here as of late.
I wish I could say it was because I had nothing to write about. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Next week is my disability hearing.
I have worked so hard to stay positive and hopeful. It’s a moment by moment deal for me. I find ways to distract myself when I start to stress out about what’s going to happen before the Judge.
Working on keeping my head down and plugging along.
I’ll be back very soon.
…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears. Fears that kept me up night: that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.
Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.
I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.
I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.
No one can tell me what to do.
But, what do I do?
I just did my taxes and I have to pay $607 in Federal and $120 in State taxes.
I am in shock. And probably denial. Is this really happening?
For anyone who’s heard lately of the GoFundMe scams, I assure you this isn’t a scam. My life isn’t a scam.
My life is a mess. My life is out of control. My GoFundMe isn’t a scam. Please believe me.
I think it’s time to look at bankruptcy.
EFF YOU COWDEN SYNDROME.
EFF YOU LHERMITTE-DUCLOS DISEASE.
I hate you both so much.
…to say, “I’m tired. It’s hard. I am scared. I am alone. I am struggling” because, let’s face it. That’s pretty much the entire theme of this blog and I have pretty much got that covered. If it can be said, I probably have already.
But part of the reason I continue this blog is so that if anyone happens to find it who’s tired, scared, or lonely too, will know they aren’t alone.
Here’s some things going on here as of late:
- Our refrigerator broke. We have been living out of a cooler for dayzzzzzzzzzz.
- I’m dealing with daily migraine headaches
- I was rear-ended last week while I was in my car, parked. Thankfully there wasn’t any damage to my car and I am feeling better now
- The unstable man at the doctor last week is still on my mind. That incident changed me.
- My passenger side car door was dinged by an older man. When I got out of my car to check if there was any damage, he started to verbally assault me in the shopping center parking lot. Thankfully there were several people around who saw the incident and I thankfully had my cell phone in hand. When I started to take his picture he quickly de-escalated.
- I haven’t done my taxes yet
- My car needs some desperate work to it
- I had my mammogram yesterday. Those days are always heavy on my heart. 85% lifetime risk of breast cancer never gets any less scary.
- Out of the 2 pairs of jeans I own, one of them is coming unraveled. It’s quite funny. No, not funny – sad.
I can go on. But, I won’t. That’s enough for me. For today and hopefully tomorrow.