Years ago, I started to accumulate items for my Hope Chest. Now, granted, I didn’t have one (nor have I ever had one), but I sure wanted one. And, I sure wanted the items that you’d store inside it. Slow and steady, I started gathering items I was sure I’d need one day: baby clothes.
Well, today I stumbled across said items in a bag shoved under my bed. Onesies, Christmas baby socks, newborn Halloween clothes.
And my heart broke a bit.
I realized that pretty much the only dream I ever had will not come true. Cowden Syndrome robbed that opportunity from me. Even if I just had the brain tumors, maybe I could have been a mother. But, since Cowden Syndrome is a hereditary cancer syndrome, (Note: Cowden Syndrome isn’t listed on that link. #FAIL) there were outstanding odds I would pass this condition to my child. (Even if I had had prospects for marriage, but that’s another thing entirely.)
But, I guess my point is: I thought I had pretty much resigned myself to this fact. The chance for motherhood will never be mine. (The Chance). No guarantees, I get it. No way to know the future, sure. But, even as I eked out my late 30’s, I still had a tiny bit of hope that I could be a mother one day.
So, in pondering about this tonight…I guess I am OK. I thought I had done well with this whole thing, but seeing those baby clothes this morning brought up some angst that I had hoped was well hidden.
I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m alone. I’m just plain sad. Sad that I know what Cowden Syndrome is. Sad that I know what Lhermitte-duclos Disease is. Sad that this is my life.
I’m only acknowledging this here. I try to put the hard, nitty-gritty stuff here. And, then get up and take care of business. Volunteering, continuing strengthening my spiritual self, living my life the best way I can.
Sleep will be good for me. Tomorrow is a new day.
I will work hard on leaving the sad here.