It too much

My head hurts. This is too much for me to process. All I want to do is sleep. People are losing their minds. People are OK with *me losing my career because I will not comply for WHAT IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME. It’s too much. I can’t handle this. I need help. And sleep.

What planet do we live on?!

I was just told that my hospital is refusing to grant any medical exemption for the needle to ANY patient. Period. This is not OK! If you are living with 2 rare brain tumors that have been stable for 10 years and have no qualms about being forced to take it, please contact me. Otherwise, if you feel that this rule from the hospital is OK, please unfollow me now. We will not ever agree to disagree over this.

My “doctors”, and I use that term loosely, work for ME. They are supposed to advocate for ME. What the hell am I paying so much money for if this is the treatment I receive from them? This is utter BS. I have a voice and my voice matters. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED OR BULLIED. I have called the grievance line for the hospital and you can sure as hell bet I am not going to take this lying down.

Anxiety is a B!TCH and it’s slowly killing me

Hey there.  I hope you are doing well during this time of utter insanity.  Wherever you are, I hope you are well.  Me, on the other hand?  Not doing well, not in the least.  I am safe.  Yet, I am riddled with anxiety and can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  I can’t work.  I struggle to breathe.  I am trying so hard to stay strong for my family.  Yet, I am weak.

All last year, I thought I managed this well. Now, people are losing their damn minds and acting like it’s OK! It’s not! I don’t care whether or not you choose to take the needle.  It’s not my damn business what anyone else does! Nor is it YOURS! Unless it adversely affects me or my family – YOU DO YOU.  But, leave my nurses alone!  Leave my firemen alone! If you don’t “agree” then take a hard look in the mirror and mind your own damn business.

This is utter insanity.  No, “masking” isn’t OK. It’s not normal UNLESS YOU ARE SICK AND DO NOT WANT TO GET OTHERS SICK.  A mask isn’t a fashion statement for heaven’s sake.  How do I rise above this insanity and not have another nervous break down? What is wrong with people?!

Dear Readers:  How are you staying sane during this utter time of chaos and panic?  What is working for you to not lower your energy? Would love to know what is working for you. ❤

On anxiety

The thing with anxiety is that it makes you feel like your body is betraying you.  That there’s something wrong with you.  I mean, I have always been wound up pretty tight.  It’s common knowledge if you know me, or know anything about me.  But, something is different this time.  Something isn’t right.  My body can’t be trusted.  Just like my brain can’t be trusted, either.  I don’t know how to cope.  I am trying to distract myself with things, but I have to be careful what type of things I surround myself, you know?  I know it’s a drag to hear from your “friend who always complains”.…but, don’t judge them.  Don’t think you know what they are carrying because you have no idea.

Believe me, I know that every person is the world is affected right now.  Trust me, if I could fix my brain and my body, I would have done it last week.  I know I am powerless, but this is kicking my trash.  Hard.  Please don’t get it twisted.

Checking in for hope

I am probably going to be writing more lately.  I mean, I kept this blog going all these years as a tool to help me process my emotions.  In case it wasn’t clear, I am greatly struggling right now.  People are losing their minds.  People are judging those they don’t know.  People are being cruel.  People are forgetting we came to this Earth with our God-given agency.  People are trying to get in my business.  People are bullying me because I choose different than they do.  People are horrific (especially those on the Twitter).  I am not coping well with this.  I cannot work.  I cannot eat.  I feel like something is really wrong with me.  I mean, there is something wrong with my mind.  I cannot detach from this because people are coming – for – me and it’s now affecting my career.  I beg of you, wherever you land on the v a (( i n e…….please check yourself if you’re contributing to the divide in our nation.

Pray for the world

This isn’t OK. What’s happening in the world is terrifying. People are losing their minds. I am not a second class citizen for using my God-given agency. I am losing my wits about me and that is so scary to me. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. My anxiety is running at 100. I can’t continue. I can’t function.

I implore you to look at yourself closely: if you support removing a person’s right to choose for themselves, you are furthering the divide in this country.

Dear Lord, please help and protect us. If people continue to treat others in this disgusting manner, what will ever happen to us? This nightmare will never end and I need Your help to endure this. Is there Light at the end? Is there a way out?

My body my choice. Until it isn’t.

Wordless Wednesday 8/11/21

My heart is shattered. I love you, my girl, to the moon and back times infinity 🙏🏻❤️

More to come

It’s so hard for me to believe that 10 years ago I began this blog.  Just shaking my head at where the time has gone.  Wow.  I am so thankful I have kept at it this entire decade because I have so much healing and growth to be thankful for!  Oops, ended that in a preposition but haha, it’s my blog I can do what I want.  🙂 What do you think I will be writing about in another 10 years?!  Unbelievable!

We all know this blog began as a place to update on my brain tumor diagnosis and subsequent journey to follow.  But, for my family (in the future) I want to share with them that I am more than my brain tumors.  I hope they know that now, but regardless, I want them to look back on this blog (on my small place on the internet) and see me.

Some of you may know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I come from generations of pioneer stock, but as I read somewhere recently, aren’t we all pioneers just in our own way?  I carry the burden greatly of not being a mother in this life and the generation line breaks with me.  That knowledge kills me slowly sometimes, and it was very painful and poignant this morning during Sacrament.  I was sitting behind a high-school friend of mine, and I could see her sitting next to her husband and a few of her children.  One of her sons was sitting next to her and he laid his head on her shoulder.  Somedays, I am really strong and little things like that don’t bother me, but for some reason this Sunday I was feeling more vulnerable.  (NOTE:  I have been struggling with quite a bit of anxiety lately; I discontinued my anti-depressant – with doctor direction – in May; I have been feeling a lot of fear about v8x – which I may post about in the future) and with dealing with those emotions plus it being a Sunday during Sacrament I am kind a floopy mess right now.  😉  So, here I come to the blog to get all this junk out!

Back to the topic at hand:  I want to share something that I did this morning with my junior companion in Ministering.  (For those who may or may not be aware, Ministering is the new term for Visiting Teaching.)  Life is in session and between trying to schedule a visit between myself, the sister, and my junior comp., I couldn’t get anything scheduled.  So, I grabbed some blank notecards this morning and took them to church.  My junior comp. and I wrote a quick note to the two sisters I am assigned to minister.  I am hoping this gesture will make them feel better, because I think it sure helped me to feel better.

I guess to summarize, I think any small gesture really can go a long way.  For all parties involved.  I am very thankful.