July 4 2018 AKA My Movie Night

Hello.  I am home watching one of the best movies, ever along with this show.  I am forever #TeamShane!

And, I’m wearing ear plugs.

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I wonder if any other people living with brain tumors have increased hearing sensitivity.

My anxiety is through the roof as I’m already anticipating the gun shots fireworks in a few hours. Taking an Ativan and calling it an early night!

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Complaining changes nothing

And of course, I get that.  But, I don’t view my blog posts as complaining; I’m documenting.

My biggest fear is dying alone and I suppose that this blog helps me feel safe secure that my life has some value and since everything is forever on the Internet, haha, I won’t be forgotten.

Being single and alone, no children too, is weighing on me heavily as of late.

My brain surgery/tumors are causing me more grief, too.

I have run into walls more frequently, about fallen over several times, and since it’s summer that means it’s time for daily headaches.  Oh, joy. 😦

So, writing here about my life’s struggles helps me to feel validated.  I know I am not alone in my brain tumor life (or my Cowden Syndrome life for that matter.)

It is what it is.

I’m scared and anxious today.

Thank you for being here.

I was thinking about trying today’s Daily Prompt

But as I looked at it and read a few blogs, nothing is jiving for me.  I could write a short post on the time I met Mr. T, or Sylvester Stallone, or Loretta Lynn and Mickey Gilly, or Brad Garrett.  But meh.

What I will write about this morning is how much anxiety sucks.  I mean, really and truly sucks.

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For those of you who suffer with anxiety what are some quick life hacks you turn to for help?  Please share in the comments.  Thank you.

 

 

Daily Prompt [Tend]

Since getting diagnosed with 2 rare brain tumors and a Rare Disease called Cowden Syndrome, I’m not a huge fan of medical/doctor type things: I have my next breast MRI coming up, along with my follow-up colonoscopy and EGD.  I always tend to wonder, “Is today the day I get diagnosed with cancer?”

I think it’s some type of PTSD from the brain surgeries, and while I know I am not having brain surgery today, it’s still a painful pill for me to swallow most other days.  My life now will never not have any medical/doctor type things in it.

I must remember to B R E A T H E through the anxiety….

Cowden Syndrome never sleeps. Kinda like me!

Today was my oncology appointment. Gah.

I had a few months of “quiet” but that’s now over. The breast MRI, colonoscopy, and EGD are next up to bat.

I’ve come this far, but man I’ll tell ya…it’s so much. I’ve always battled generalized anxiety, but when things come at me fast like this, my anxiety is running full speed at 150%.

Praying for sleep tonight.

I think it’s time

I realized this week – I don’t want to have a brain scan right now.  I had one in December.  I don’t want another one next month.

Also, I have pondered about a lot of things lately:

  • Why are the MRI’s so frequent? (About every 6 months)
  • Are they this frequent to help ease my anxiety?
  • Does the doctor want them this often?
  • There hasn’t been “significant” growth since 2011.  What does that mean?
  • Does the neurosurgeon want to scan me so often because we just don’t know crap about gangliocytoma?
  • Why don’t I want to have this next scan?
  • Will there be (of course not) any significant change if I push the scan off 6 months?
  • Should I appeal the disability denial?
  • Should I refile?
  • Should I file bankruptcy?
  • Why can’t I catch a break?

When can I get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep? 

Hey everyone!

Why does the word “everyone” look weird to me?  Like I spelled it wrong?

Anyway.  I just wanted to check in with you.  I know I’ve been a bit sporadic with posting.  Some days, my life is pretty basic and boring:  I go to the gym and read (true story).  Other days I am overwrought with medical appointments, scans, almost daily migraines, problems with my esophagus, etc. and I feel like a weirdo (also, true story).  I try to stay busy and distract myself with things that are beneficial for my mental health:  I love listening to podcasts (do you recommend any? I just finished this one and HOLY COW! I could write more on that soon); volunteering; reading (obvi); editing photos on Hipstamatic.

Of course, I didn’t ask for this life of brain tumors and hereditary cancer syndromes.  Nevertheless, it’s mine.  My point of writing is that this week I finally have my disability hearing before a judge.  To say I’m terrified would be an understatement, you know?  I have this weird feeling in my chest:  Anxiety, obvi.  But, I can still vividly see and feel and hear my diagnosis of July 18, 2011 as if it were yesterday.  Literally.  And, it’s like my entire life since that day is rolled up into a big ball and this week it’ll come to a head.  Like, what is the purpose of my life since then?  It’s been 6 1/2 years (just 3 1/2 years for the disability process alone) and have I been wrong all along?  What will this judge think?  Is there enough “medical evidence” to prove to the judge that I am different now and can no longer work?

I pray that there is.

I’ll be in touch soon.  If you have any extra prayers, please send them my way, and to the judge too.  ❤  Thank you.

Nervous Nelly

I know no one likes a Nervous Nelly.  But, I can’t help it!  I am so overcome with terror about my financial situation that it pulls me deeper and deeper into my depression.  What do I do?  Where can I get money?  Where can I find a place where I can one day be financially independent?  Or, at least not FULLY 100% dependent on my mother?  It’s so unfair to her.  I am continually wracked with guilt for all the pain and frustration I cause her.  I can’t get my SH*T together.  Will I ever be able to get it together?

I found out today my disability hearing is November 30.  This is a great thing; however, it adds so much more anxiety onto my shoulders.  Why is it so difficult to expect good things for me?  Why wouldn’t the judge approve my disability based on my medical records and reports from my doctors? Right?

Yet who knows what the outcome will be?  And, how do I hang on until then?  I have about $200 in my checking account and 3 credit card bills due within the first 2 weeks of September.  I am pathetic and a waste of space that I cannot take care of my life!  And, I get so jealous when I come across these GoFundMe pages and people have raised 10s of thousands of dollars!  I know I shouldn’t be jealous. I should be happy those people have been blessed. But, when will that type of good stuff happen for me?  I don’t know how I will pay those bills next week.  I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY.  My mom is tapped out.  She’s supporting many other people, too.  She can’t help me any longer. Is there some secret place or website where people can support someone like me?  Or did those people just have good, supportive friends who helped them out?

I’m nervous.  I’m hopeless.  I don’t know what else to do.  I  have contacted my church.  I have online sites to ask for financial support, which makes me feel even more worthless than I already do.

What do I do?  Please pray for me.

Why can’t I sleep?

Does anyone else suffer from sleep anxiety?  I don’t know if it’s from the brain tumors, hysterectomy menopause, anxiety about my dire finances, depression, being overweight…or if it’s a hot mess from all that and more.

I exercise.  I try to meditate (but let’s face it) I have no idea how to do it or what I’m even doing.  I try to eat a salad a day, but I know I struggle to get enough protein because I don’t know what to eat (I don’t eat red meat anymore).

I have some medications and some natural things I take each night.  But, I usually feel horribly drunk still, the next morning.

Do  you have any tips you can offer to for my nighttime routine?  Do you do anything specific to help you sleep?

Thanks!

Shorty

I didn’t want to start taking psych meds, because with all the other meds I take I am worried for my liver and kidneys.  Yes, they are checked but that doesn’t ease my anxiety for their well-being.

However, I finally gave in.  I started 2 medications recently and I cannot deny that I feel better.

I am thankful to feel a change; and that makes me happy I can tell.

There is quite a bit of stuff on my shoulders every moment of every day.

And, I feel better.

I pray it lasts.