Savage

My Endo is SAVAGE. I walked into our appointment today and first thing he says is, “You’ve gained weight.”

Uhm I knoooooooow this. Kinda due to out of control anxiety due to C 1 9 and how the world has LOST THEIR MIND and how people think they can remove my choice over my body, etc.

But today was hard as I had to say goodbye to him. Changing insurance because money. Life is so weird sometimes. But even more so with 2 Rare Diseases. More soon. 🎄🎁🎅🏻🤶

November 2021 check-in

Hi. It’s been a quite a while; at least it feels that way. Just quickly checking-in. I think the old anti-depressant is doing its job helping my anxiety as I am not crying instantaneously as I was a few months ago. As of this post, I am still employed. Haven’t heard anything from the “governor” and what may happen is his tyrannical mind. But, I feel a tad more confident that if I have to walk away from my job to protect my health and agency, the Lord has got me. He has something better in store for me. I just have to exercise my faith in Him. 

Anxiety is a B!TCH and it’s slowly killing me

Hey there.  I hope you are doing well during this time of utter insanity.  Wherever you are, I hope you are well.  Me, on the other hand?  Not doing well, not in the least.  I am safe.  Yet, I am riddled with anxiety and can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  I can’t work.  I struggle to breathe.  I am trying so hard to stay strong for my family.  Yet, I am weak.

All last year, I thought I managed this well. Now, people are losing their damn minds and acting like it’s OK! It’s not! I don’t care whether or not you choose to take the needle.  It’s not my damn business what anyone else does! Nor is it YOURS! Unless it adversely affects me or my family – YOU DO YOU.  But, leave my nurses alone!  Leave my firemen alone! If you don’t “agree” then take a hard look in the mirror and mind your own damn business.

This is utter insanity.  No, “masking” isn’t OK. It’s not normal UNLESS YOU ARE SICK AND DO NOT WANT TO GET OTHERS SICK.  A mask isn’t a fashion statement for heaven’s sake.  How do I rise above this insanity and not have another nervous break down? What is wrong with people?!

Dear Readers:  How are you staying sane during this utter time of chaos and panic?  What is working for you to not lower your energy? Would love to know what is working for you. ❤

On anxiety

The thing with anxiety is that it makes you feel like your body is betraying you.  That there’s something wrong with you.  I mean, I have always been wound up pretty tight.  It’s common knowledge if you know me, or know anything about me.  But, something is different this time.  Something isn’t right.  My body can’t be trusted.  Just like my brain can’t be trusted, either.  I don’t know how to cope.  I am trying to distract myself with things, but I have to be careful what type of things I surround myself, you know?  I know it’s a drag to hear from your “friend who always complains”.…but, don’t judge them.  Don’t think you know what they are carrying because you have no idea.

Believe me, I know that every person is the world is affected right now.  Trust me, if I could fix my brain and my body, I would have done it last week.  I know I am powerless, but this is kicking my trash.  Hard.  Please don’t get it twisted.

Checking in for hope

I am probably going to be writing more lately.  I mean, I kept this blog going all these years as a tool to help me process my emotions.  In case it wasn’t clear, I am greatly struggling right now.  People are losing their minds.  People are judging those they don’t know.  People are being cruel.  People are forgetting we came to this Earth with our God-given agency.  People are trying to get in my business.  People are bullying me because I choose different than they do.  People are horrific (especially those on the Twitter).  I am not coping well with this.  I cannot work.  I cannot eat.  I feel like something is really wrong with me.  I mean, there is something wrong with my mind.  I cannot detach from this because people are coming – for – me and it’s now affecting my career.  I beg of you, wherever you land on the v a (( i n e…….please check yourself if you’re contributing to the divide in our nation.

Pray for the world

This isn’t OK. What’s happening in the world is terrifying. People are losing their minds. I am not a second class citizen for using my God-given agency. I am losing my wits about me and that is so scary to me. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. My anxiety is running at 100. I can’t continue. I can’t function.

I implore you to look at yourself closely: if you support removing a person’s right to choose for themselves, you are furthering the divide in this country.

Dear Lord, please help and protect us. If people continue to treat others in this disgusting manner, what will ever happen to us? This nightmare will never end and I need Your help to endure this. Is there Light at the end? Is there a way out?

My body my choice. Until it isn’t.

Tell me why? I don’t need anymore headaches

Can anyone please tell me why some people in the medical field suck elephant balls and continue to make my life even more stressful than it already is?  If I was a *normie, dealing with these billing eff up’s wouldn’t be that big of a deal, TBH.  But, I am constantly calling *this doctor or *that clinic reminding them to do their damn job.  I have enough going on as it is.  It is not my responsibility to do their job, too.  It’s enough.  It’s too damn much some days.

Yes, I am keeping a copious amount of notes on this particular matter (so, I had two  big appointments last May and this piece of crap “billing office” can’t figure out that 2 + 2 equals 4 and that I have already provided the copy of my insurance card *again.

I have called the office twice since 1:30 PM.  First call – I was expected to wait for 19 minutes, but don’t worry, they will call me back and I won’t lose my place in line.  I called back at 2:30 PM, and I was now expected to wait 13 minutes and have I received a damn call back?!

Steps

I am battling my anxiety and it is pretty bad lately. So, I have set a personal goal to reach 10,000 steps at least 4X a week. Today, presently, I am at 8,926. I have a bit more walking to do….wish me luck!

Month by month

I have a feeling that in the next few months Cowden Syndrome is going to show me how much of a witch she really is.

Possible nodal metastasis. Are you freaking kidding me right now?

Help

I really don’t think I have had any problems in asking for help.

Before diagnosis, that is.

I distinctly remember a moment in time December 2011. This was just 5 months after having 2 brain surgeries and also getting diagnosed with Cowden Syndrome. I wasn’t in therapy at that time either.

I was in my mom’s bedroom, and we were discussing something, that which I can’t remember. But I do remember this: Experiencing the most intense panic and fear and anxiety where I felt I was going to die. Literally die. Now, I had that terror right before being wheeled in to the OR on July 27, 2011. That I would not wake up.

But back to that day in December.

I knew I needed help.

And, I asked for help and received it.

#gratitude