I’m forever playing catch-up with my life

Where or where to begin?

I’m up early – couldn’t sleep – and decided to jump on the ‘ole blog because life is coming full force and at times, I can’t breathe.  Writing, sometimes, helps me breathe.

Here’s a quick recap on the last few months:

  1. In January, I lost my rescue dog.  I loved him for the past 8 months and he forever changed my life.  I was utterly gutted at his loss, but it was time.  He was ready although I never was, nor ever will be.
  2. Finally got the referral to a neurologist (that was desperately needed!) and was told I have (the beginnings of?) nerve damage in my feet.  From the brain tumors?  The brain surgeries? Huh? What else now?! I had a nerve test last month and it was hell.  The dot and the period.
  3. Do you remember the thyroid issues I have dealt with since last October?  Last month also, I had another fine needle biopsy on my (empty) thyroid bed.  (So, let’s see that’s – ultrasound/MRI/fine needle biopsy X2) – and there is STILL NO ANSWER AS TO WTF IS GOING  ON IN MY NECK! I had have elevated thyroglobulin and my doctor thinks maybe it was a technician error?  Yet something is growing (I guess?) in my neck but it’s not a lymph node or thyroid benign or malignant cells? Ugh, I’m beyond exhausted.
  4. Haven’t filed BK yet.  Found out there was some paperwork I need to submit to one of my creditors.
  5. My anxiety is getting pretty riled up and I am struggling with even the simplest of daily life tasks.
  6. I deleted my twitter account.  I don’t know why; just felt like the right thing to do.  Maybe I’ll be back one day? There are so many wonderful things about twitter, and to be honest it just doesn’t feel right watching Days or Gutfeld w/o tweeting!
  7. I have this great urge to purge (LOL).  Probably the shame and anxiety about the BK.

So, what else folks?  Do I continue this morning to wallow in shame or do I put on my big girl pants and get crap done today? I’m sure you know what I want to do.  Let’s see if I fight against my norm and do it different.

 

 

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Sounds about right

I have been awake since 2:30 AM this morning with a pretty big migraine.

In about 12 hours I will sign the paperwork to file bankruptcy.

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#CanIGoBackToBed

Financial status 2019

Hi there.  It’s been a while; I’m still here.

I think I have written many times about my toxic financial situation post diagnosis of Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease.  For the sake of time, I’ll try to snapshot it here:

  • I’m in debt over $20,000 on my credit cards as I have been forced to live on them, since I can no longer do what I once did for employment.
  • I have kicked around this idea for months, the bankruptcy idea.  I have prolonged it as long as I could because my ego and credit score. 🙂
  • I also owe over $35,000 in student loans (you know, the whole career thing I had planned before having 2 brain surgeries, et al.)

I called one of my creditors this morning to find out about any hardship programs they offered.  Currently, my monthly payment is $395.  Guess what program I qualify for with them?  A 5 year program with a monthly payment of $370.

Huh?

Am I missing something here?

So, bankruptcy is next.  I have an appointment the end of February to see an attorney to just get this done and over with.  (NOTE:  The filing fee for bankruptcy is $1875.)

So, if you happen to see or hear from me and I am riddled with anxiety, or so depressed I cannot get out of my bed, or I’m distant or just seem off – please know it’s because life is a lot right now.  It is literally costing me money to live – and I am going deeper in the hole every moment of every day.

Pretty grim right now for me, tbh.

If you happen to see me on Twitter and see my posting about my GoFundMe or my Teespring store, would you do me a solid and share then for me please?

Thank you.  Until next time.

Daily Prompt [Insist]

I’ve read different blogs for about 30 minutes this Saturday morning.  Trying to understand what I am feeling, or at least distract myself from what I am feeling.

Some mornings I awake and think to myself, “I should write today.  There’s so much anxiety coursing through my veins, I need to get it out.  I need to cry, scream, rant, process it all here.  I am actually quite nervous about my breast MRI next month.  I wonder if this will be the day I get the news?  Will I hear the “C” word that day?

Then I have my consult for my colonoscopy and EGD this month.  My esophagus hasn’t been very friendly these last few years and I wonder how my throat looks now? I also just found out that I am now going to have to pay every time I see my doctors, and believe me, there are many that I see.  So, I don’t work with any regularity and was denied disability, so how in the world can I afford to pay the doctors every time I see them?  OH, I CANNOT PAY THEM.  That’s right.

And, even though I can work on-call some days, when I am feeling well enough, I still cannot avoid bankruptcy.  And, I had 2 job interviews these past 2 weeks and didn’t get either job!  What gives?  Why can’t I catch a break?  My life sucks and I cannot get my head above water.  I feel like I am drowning, literally.  I don’t insist on much.  Really.  And now, I don’t hope too much either.  I’m tired of the stress. When will it end?

Whoa.  As I just wrote that I felt a lightning bolt – that’ll happen when I’m dead.”

Daily Prompt [Shock]

First off, HAHAHAHHAHHAAAA.

Secondly, this prompt is pretty accurate considering my mood today.  I just spent $50 to fill up my gas tank, and my monthly credit card payment is now up to $250/month.  Will anyone else be shocked when I cannot pay the bill anymore?

Thirdly, I could actually make a list filled of all the things that have shocked me these past 7 years.  I won’t bore you with it though.

I’m sick.  I’m pissed.  Why couldn’t I have been approved for the damn disability?!  I deserve it!  I need it.  I am entitled to it!  I’m tired of complaining and I’m tired of struggling.  All I pray for is financial stability and yet (if I live another 30 years) I don’t ever see that happening.

When I file bankruptcy, or am forced to file, that will only be a short-term fix for a lifetime problem.  I can’t work as I once did.  I can’t even make enough money to finance my life – the bare necessities even.

I don’t want or expect anything more than just surviving.  And as it stands right now I’m barely doing that.

I’m pissed.

I never asked for these damn brain tumors (obvi) and they continue to ruin my life.  How can I expect to heal when I’m chronically stressed out about how I will survive?!

To work

A few days ago an acquaintance of mine asked me, “Now, can you really not work or do you just not want to?”

You know, when someone starts off like that with me, it’s really a lose-lose conversation.

As I said, she’s just an acquaintance.  She doesn’t know the daily ins and outs I deal with.  In fact, no one really does (she doesn’t know me well enough to ask, but had she asked, I would have told her.)  She droned on about, “People who get disability get worse” and blah blah blahhhhhh.  To be honest, I had already tuned her out.

But, do you see where I am going with this?

Think about this for a moment:

  • I don’t enjoy being destitute
  • Do you think I love worrying about bankruptcy every moment of my day?
  • Do you think it’s fun not having money to buy my basic needs (clothing, toiletries, etc.)?
  • Do you really think I am home eating bon-bons watching daytime TV?
  • Just because I can walk doesn’t mean I am not dizzy, in pain, managing a migraine, trying to concentrate and focus on what you’re saying to me, etc.
  • My life isn’t fun.  It’s damn hard

I can’t do what I once did.  I am applying for jobs.  I am looking.  But, maintaining a full-time job (as I did before diagnosis and surgeries) isn’t possible.  And, evidently, even finding part-time employment isn’t happening for me.  Also, I can’t trust or disclose in an interview, “Oh BTW, I have 2 brain tumors and damage now and get dizzy often and need frequent breaks to sit or stand and have to drink a zillion ounces of water now because since surgery I am more dehydrated than ever and sometimes I get migraines too..and…and…and…”

What the hell am I to do?

I think it’s time

I realized this week – I don’t want to have a brain scan right now.  I had one in December.  I don’t want another one next month.

Also, I have pondered about a lot of things lately:

  • Why are the MRI’s so frequent? (About every 6 months)
  • Are they this frequent to help ease my anxiety?
  • Does the doctor want them this often?
  • There hasn’t been “significant” growth since 2011.  What does that mean?
  • Does the neurosurgeon want to scan me so often because we just don’t know crap about gangliocytoma?
  • Why don’t I want to have this next scan?
  • Will there be (of course not) any significant change if I push the scan off 6 months?
  • Should I appeal the disability denial?
  • Should I refile?
  • Should I file bankruptcy?
  • Why can’t I catch a break?

When can I get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep? 

The lesser of 2 evils?

…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears.  Fears that kept me up night:  that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.

Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.

I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.

I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.

No one can tell me what to do.

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But, what do I do?