I’ve read different blogs for about 30 minutes this Saturday morning. Trying to understand what I am feeling, or at least distract myself from what I am feeling.
Some mornings I awake and think to myself, “I should write today. There’s so much anxiety coursing through my veins, I need to get it out. I need to cry, scream, rant, process it all here. I am actually quite nervous about my breast MRI next month. I wonder if this will be the day I get the news? Will I hear the “C” word that day?
Then I have my consult for my colonoscopy and EGD this month. My esophagus hasn’t been very friendly these last few years and I wonder how my throat looks now? I also just found out that I am now going to have to pay every time I see my doctors, and believe me, there are many that I see. So, I don’t work with any regularity and was denied disability, so how in the world can I afford to pay the doctors every time I see them? OH, I CANNOT PAY THEM. That’s right.
And, even though I can work on-call some days, when I am feeling well enough, I still cannot avoid bankruptcy. And, I had 2 job interviews these past 2 weeks and didn’t get either job! What gives? Why can’t I catch a break? My life sucks and I cannot get my head above water. I feel like I am drowning, literally. I don’t insist on much. Really. And now, I don’t hope too much either. I’m tired of the stress. When will it end?
Whoa. As I just wrote that I felt a lightning bolt – that’ll happen when I’m dead.”
First off, HAHAHAHHAHHAAAA.
Secondly, this prompt is pretty accurate considering my mood today. I just spent $50 to fill up my gas tank, and my monthly credit card payment is now up to $250/month. Will anyone else be shocked when I cannot pay the bill anymore?
Thirdly, I could actually make a list filled of all the things that have shocked me these past 7 years. I won’t bore you with it though.
I’m sick. I’m pissed. Why couldn’t I have been approved for the damn disability?! I deserve it! I need it. I am entitled to it! I’m tired of complaining and I’m tired of struggling. All I pray for is financial stability and yet (if I live another 30 years) I don’t ever see that happening.
When I file bankruptcy, or am forced to file, that will only be a short-term fix for a lifetime problem. I can’t work as I once did. I can’t even make enough money to finance my life – the bare necessities even.
I don’t want or expect anything more than just surviving. And as it stands right now I’m barely doing that.
I never asked for these damn brain tumors (obvi) and they continue to ruin my life. How can I expect to heal when I’m chronically stressed out about how I will survive?!
A few days ago an acquaintance of mine asked me, “Now, can you really not work or do you just not want to?”
You know, when someone starts off like that with me, it’s really a lose-lose conversation.
As I said, she’s just an acquaintance. She doesn’t know the daily ins and outs I deal with. In fact, no one really does (she doesn’t know me well enough to ask, but had she asked, I would have told her.) She droned on about, “People who get disability get worse” and blah blah blahhhhhh. To be honest, I had already tuned her out.
But, do you see where I am going with this?
Think about this for a moment:
- I don’t enjoy being destitute
- Do you think I love worrying about bankruptcy every moment of my day?
- Do you think it’s fun not having money to buy my basic needs (clothing, toiletries, etc.)?
- Do you really think I am home eating bon-bons watching daytime TV?
- Just because I can walk doesn’t mean I am not dizzy, in pain, managing a migraine, trying to concentrate and focus on what you’re saying to me, etc.
- My life isn’t fun. It’s damn hard
I can’t do what I once did. I am applying for jobs. I am looking. But, maintaining a full-time job (as I did before diagnosis and surgeries) isn’t possible. And, evidently, even finding part-time employment isn’t happening for me. Also, I can’t trust or disclose in an interview, “Oh BTW, I have 2 brain tumors and damage now and get dizzy often and need frequent breaks to sit or stand and have to drink a zillion ounces of water now because since surgery I am more dehydrated than ever and sometimes I get migraines too..and…and…and…”
What the hell am I to do?
I realized this week – I don’t want to have a brain scan right now. I had one in December. I don’t want another one next month.
Also, I have pondered about a lot of things lately:
- Why are the MRI’s so frequent? (About every 6 months)
- Are they this frequent to help ease my anxiety?
- Does the doctor want them this often?
- There hasn’t been “significant” growth since 2011. What does that mean?
- Does the neurosurgeon want to scan me so often because we just don’t know crap about gangliocytoma?
- Why don’t I want to have this next scan?
- Will there be (of course not) any significant change if I push the scan off 6 months?
- Should I appeal the disability denial?
- Should I refile?
- Should I file bankruptcy?
- Why can’t I catch a break?
When can I get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?
…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears. Fears that kept me up night: that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.
Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.
I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.
I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.
No one can tell me what to do.
But, what do I do?