I think it’s time

I realized this week – I don’t want to have a brain scan right now.  I had one in December.  I don’t want another one next month.

Also, I have pondered about a lot of things lately:

  • Why are the MRI’s so frequent? (About every 6 months)
  • Are they this frequent to help ease my anxiety?
  • Does the doctor want them this often?
  • There hasn’t been “significant” growth since 2011.  What does that mean?
  • Does the neurosurgeon want to scan me so often because we just don’t know crap about gangliocytoma?
  • Why don’t I want to have this next scan?
  • Will there be (of course not) any significant change if I push the scan off 6 months?
  • Should I appeal the disability denial?
  • Should I refile?
  • Should I file bankruptcy?
  • Why can’t I catch a break?

When can I get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep? 

The lesser of 2 evils?

…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears.  Fears that kept me up night:  that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.

Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.

I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.

I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.

No one can tell me what to do.

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But, what do I do?