To work

A few days ago an acquaintance of mine asked me, “Now, can you really not work or do you just not want to?”

You know, when someone starts off like that with me, it’s really a lose-lose conversation.

As I said, she’s just an acquaintance.  She doesn’t know the daily ins and outs I deal with.  In fact, no one really does (she doesn’t know me well enough to ask, but had she asked, I would have told her.)  She droned on about, “People who get disability get worse” and blah blah blahhhhhh.  To be honest, I had already tuned her out.

But, do you see where I am going with this?

Think about this for a moment:

  • I don’t enjoy being destitute
  • Do you think I love worrying about bankruptcy every moment of my day?
  • Do you think it’s fun not having money to buy my basic needs (clothing, toiletries, etc.)?
  • Do you really think I am home eating bon-bons watching daytime TV?
  • Just because I can walk doesn’t mean I am not dizzy, in pain, managing a migraine, trying to concentrate and focus on what you’re saying to me, etc.
  • My life isn’t fun.  It’s damn hard

I can’t do what I once did.  I am applying for jobs.  I am looking.  But, maintaining a full-time job (as I did before diagnosis and surgeries) isn’t possible.  And, evidently, even finding part-time employment isn’t happening for me.  Also, I can’t trust or disclose in an interview, “Oh BTW, I have 2 brain tumors and damage now and get dizzy often and need frequent breaks to sit or stand and have to drink a zillion ounces of water now because since surgery I am more dehydrated than ever and sometimes I get migraines too..and…and…and…”

What the hell am I to do?

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I think it’s time

I realized this week – I don’t want to have a brain scan right now.  I had one in December.  I don’t want another one next month.

Also, I have pondered about a lot of things lately:

  • Why are the MRI’s so frequent? (About every 6 months)
  • Are they this frequent to help ease my anxiety?
  • Does the doctor want them this often?
  • There hasn’t been “significant” growth since 2011.  What does that mean?
  • Does the neurosurgeon want to scan me so often because we just don’t know crap about gangliocytoma?
  • Why don’t I want to have this next scan?
  • Will there be (of course not) any significant change if I push the scan off 6 months?
  • Should I appeal the disability denial?
  • Should I refile?
  • Should I file bankruptcy?
  • Why can’t I catch a break?

When can I get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep? 

The lesser of 2 evils?

…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears.  Fears that kept me up night:  that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.

Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.

I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.

I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.

No one can tell me what to do.

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But, what do I do?