During church this morning I experienced an
upsetting emotional moment which made me swallow hard and really take a look at things in my life right now.
I have a calling in Primary and I love this time so much. But I especially love Singing Time as I was inactive as a child and missed it all.
I don’t want to be known as the
girl woman who’s “So good with kids”. I wanted my own children!
I found myself talking with some kids this morning as we were singing songs and I was overcome. Tears began to flow. (I’ve written and then deleted the same line for 5 minutes here. I don’t know what to say next!) – I’m feeling so sad and dejected and hopeless this morning. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. I know that even if I didn’t have Cowden Syndrome I still may not have had children, but still. Being around children is not the same as having a child. Your own child.
It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same.
To any parent who is frustrated with their children at any moment of any day: Always remember how blessed you are to have a child. Never forget that. Please.
Oh my. I could fill an entire blog of pictures of things that are beloved to me. What first is brought to my mind is our beloved Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, recently passed away. I remember when President Hinckley passed away and how painful that was. This loss is the same yet different.
The 2nd thing brought to my mind, (besides my family of course) is my boy Shadow. I am going to start crying as I type this, so I will keep this short. He had a rough life before us. He lived (and somehow survived) on the streets for over 10 years. He is now waiting for me on the Rainbow Bridge as of this past December. I am minutely comforted in this loss by reminding myself that during the last year of his life he was loved, fed, protected, and a host of other things we were able to give to him.
I miss him terribly.
I suppose it’s a good to focus on other things besides brain tumors and hereditary cancer syndromes. But, to be honest, today isn’t that day.
We had to put my cat to sleep on Saturday. I am devastated. Shredded. Torn up. Ruined. I cannot describe the intense bond I had with this boy. He had been abandoned, and in this past year we fed him and gave him shelter and love. It was only about 6 months ago, when we knew he was losing his eyesight, that we brought him in our house full time. He was loved. So, very loved.
I will miss you Shadow every moment of every day. Until I see you again. ❤
I’ve lived in the same house my entire life, for which I count myself very blessed.
Our neighbors have changed quite a lot over the years though.
I have a sweet memory I would like to share: When I was 6 years old, I had a friend named Ann who lived next door to me. We were both the same age and pretty inseparable.
I remember sitting on my kitchen counter in my house and she would do the same in hers. Since our kitchen windows faced each other we would talk to each other through them.
I loved doing that and love how these writing prompts can trigger long-lost memories. ❤
Tomorrow is 7 Day post op. I’m home from the hospital! Thankful and grateful for my healing. More soon.