Over-freaking-whelmed

I’m feeling very overwhelmed. My anxiety is getting out of control and I even took an Ativan last night. That wasn’t the best decision as I’ve been awake since 2:15 AM. #fail

I’m not over the resentment and bitter anger I have towards the Disability “Judge” who denied my claim for disability.  I wish I could remember what he looked like and I wish I could run into him on the street.  I would give him a piece of my mind.

Managing a Rare Disease life is a full time job, obvi.  It’s quite difficult for me to keep my head above water, to remember when appointment/scan is coming up next, etc. etc.  Now, add to THAT stress the pressure of a full-time job, too.  Yes, I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been hired.  Yes, I know how incredibly lucky and grateful I am to have a place to go earn money.  Yes, I know all of this. Regardless of my knowledge it’s still very difficult for me. I try to put on a brave face, but I’m on the verge of a breakdown most days.

I try to make the conscious decision each day NOT to think of the brain tumors.  I think about my cats, my family, my car maintenance, finding a good book to read, etc.

But, I won’t lie and say I do it or that it’s easy.  These damn tumors have taken my confidence, (what little I had anyway.)

Walking into the job each day I feel like a fraud.  I feel like people are looking at me and judging me accordingly.  Granted, I haven’t told anyone (besides a select few) about my medical status because I know, I just know, that it would be used against me and I’d lose this job.

Now that I’ve come this far – lost other insurance, procedures got denied, had to get a new doctor, my other doctors weren’t covered for me to see, blah blah blah. I have to see this through ’til I’m dead.

Watched some news.  Going to exercise. Need to make a plan besides writing and reading blog posts all day.  Happy Labor Day!

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Wordless Wednesday 8/21/19

Daily Prompt [Swallow]

During church this morning I experienced an upsetting emotional moment which made me swallow hard and really take a look at things in my life right now.

I have a calling in Primary and I love this time so much.  But I especially love Singing Time as I was inactive as a child and missed it all.

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I don’t want to be known as the girl woman who’s “So good with kids”I wanted my own children!  

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I found myself talking with some kids this morning as we were singing songs and I was overcome.  Tears began to flow.  (I’ve written and then deleted the same line for 5 minutes here.  I don’t know what to say next!) – I’m feeling so sad and dejected and hopeless this morning.   I wanted to be a mother more than anything.  I know that even if I didn’t have Cowden Syndrome I still may not have had children, but still. Being around children is not the same as having a child. Your own child.

It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.

To any parent who is frustrated with their children at any moment of any day: Always remember how blessed you are to have a child.  Never forget that.  Please.

Weekly Photo Prompt [Beloved]

Oh my.  I could fill an entire blog of pictures of things that are beloved to me.  What first is brought to my mind is our beloved Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, recently passed away.  I remember when President Hinckley passed away and how painful that was.  This loss is the same yet different.

The 2nd thing brought to my mind, (besides my family of course) is my boy Shadow.  I am going to start crying as I type this, so I will keep this short.  He had a rough life before us.  He lived (and somehow survived) on the streets for over 10 years.  He is now waiting for me on the Rainbow Bridge as of this past December.  I am minutely comforted in this loss by reminding myself that during the last year of his life he was loved, fed, protected, and a host of other things we were able to give to him.

I miss him terribly.

Merry Christmas ⭐️ 2017