First off: hahahaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I love this prompt!
Second: Happy Monday!
Third: I am reading this book and CANNOT put it down! I was up until 1 am this morning (gah!) convincing myself, “One more chapter. One more chapter!” Without giving away too much of a spoiler, I was going to be VERY BITTER if Orson got hurt!
So, onto the daily prompt: Let’s expound on this for a moment…
- I have 2 brain tumors
- I had to have a hysterectomy to manage my uterine cancer risk
- I live at home
- I am not able to work
- I am overweight
- I had thyroid cancer
- My esophagus is lined with an innumerable amount of polyps that (may) or may not turn malignant one day.
- I could find many more but let’s stop there.
I am not writing those things for pity. I am writing them out as they are my reality since July 18, 2011. Couldn’t I be bitter? Shouldn’t I be bitter? And to be honest, I think in the beginning of this new life of mine I was in fact very bitter. I had big dreams! I was going to have a career and a family and be a wife and a mother and and and and….but in fact, my life didn’t turn out that way.
Today I have my bitter days, but now they are more bitter hours. (Progress!)
Some days I wake up pretty bitter that I can’t go out with friends, I can’t work, I can’t be a mother, I am not an independent woman, blah blah blah. But, I can better name these moments now, and I while I may entertain the thoughts for a short while (because my feelings are my feelings and I want to honor them) then I move on and distract myself doing something else. Whether that’s exercising, walking, volunteering, cleaning around the house, helping my family, writing on my blog, taking photographs (which is my new LOVE!) etc.
I think it’s very natural and normal to be bitter about things in our life. What’s important is how we deal with that emotion. Please don’t let it eat you up inside. We are in this together. ❤
I am by no means a writer. I use this blog to document my life since diagnosis, so I guess it’s more a journal, of sorts. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But, I have always wished I could write well/better. I like to do these Daily Prompts when I can to gain some practice. Hopefully it’s improving my writing.
As a child, I was definitely an avid reader. I remember being holed up in my room all weekend reading either these or these. I probably didn’t see the sun on most weekends when I was a teenager. One of my best memories is going to the mall each month to get the next in this series!
Then life happens and I kind of get out of the habit of reading. Weird. Books are in my veins. I have worked at 2 different bookstores, too!
But lately? Something has changed. Since diagnosis of brain tumors and surgeries, reading has been much more difficult for me. Not enjoyable. Almost painful and completely irritating. When I have to re-read the same paragraph many times, I just get so angry. At myself, at my life’s situation, everything.
Thankfully I changed that mindset a few months ago. I have picked up reading again with a vengeance almost. I know how beneficial reading is, and I view it as physical therapy for my brain.
Do you like to read? What would you recommend?
I’ve borrowed this from This Mom’s Gonna Snap a few times and wanted to do one more before 2016 is up.
Making: My bed.
Cooking: Does helping my mom make Christmas goodies count?
Drinking: A Skinny Girl Protein drink.
Reading: The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks.
Trawling: The Internet for a Harvey’s Seatbelt bag. (I can dream, right?)
Wanting: To be healthy.
Looking: For a way to not feel like a frump for 2017.
Deciding: If it’s time to downsize some clutter in my room.
Wishing: I could go to Disneyland. Or, to be honest, Disneyworld.
Enjoying: Quiet mornings.
Waiting: For my head to clear.
Liking: Donny Osmond Christmas music.
Wondering: What Christmas Clearance deals I can find.
Loving: Grace and Frankie!
Pondering: Where I will be in 40 years. Alone? Healthy? What will the brain tumors be doing?
Listening: To the wind gusting outside.
Considering: How I can make 2017 my best year?
Buying: Healthy foods.
Watching: Days Of Our Lives
Hoping: For good health.
Marveling: How quickly Christmas flew by!
Cringing: About how people are willing to sever relationships over differing politics
Needing: To go for a walk.
Questioning: How people can abandon their animals.
Smelling: Lavender lotion.
Wearing: Christmas socks!
Following: More bloggers who champion Rare Disease Awareness.
Noticing: I need to up my water intake.
Knowing: I have a few thank you cards to write this week.
Thinking: About how I will incorporate more exercise into my life.
Admiring: How strong people living with Cowden Syndrome are!
Getting: The itch to travel somewhere.
Bookmarking: More books. I love the Goodreads app!
Opening: More books!
Giggling: At myself.
Trying: To not miss Halloween at Disneyland too much.
Hearing: The TV.
Celebrating: My birthday soon!
Pretending: That my life isn’t as hard as it as sometimes.
Embracing: Quiet. Rest. Family.
Hi guys. Man oh man. I can’t believe this week has finally ended! I’m bummed, but thankful. I had such high hopes for this week. Remember this post? Well, all heck broke loose right afterwards.
Monday: I went on a road trip (see this post), and it was something I was looking forward to for months. I found a neat place from Yelp, and had nothing else planned! I had an entire afternoon and evening that was all mine! Nothing on my schedule had anything to do with brain tumors or cancer syndromes. I explored a new city. I found a neat thrift store and bought a few books. I went shopping. Found a place to have dinner. It was so incredible. I didn’t think about that night at all. I treated myself to frozen yogurt. I went back to my room and watched America’s Got Talent and started to read one of my new books. I stayed up late. I woke up early. It was grand.
Tuesday: I explored a few nearby cities a bit more. I found an incredible doughnut place and ate the most incredible Salted Caramel doughnut known to man. On my drive home I found a small place to eat sushi. I was looking forward to enjoying my drive home. Then, the bottom fell out. My mom called me and said she had a missed call on her cell phone from the “Advocacy” firm representing me in my Disability claim. (No one from the office called MY cell phone. No one from the office had/has contacted me since mid-June. My hearing is AUGUST.) Within a few minutes I received a text message from the office stating I need to call them urgently. (NOTE: I have e-mailed the firm many times since June. No one has responded. I have called my “Case Manager” and left many voice mails. She has never responded to my calls.) Of course, I called the firm. I got her voicemail. Are you surprised? I’m not. I checked my e-mail in the midst of this I also received an e-mail message from said firm. In it, they said that since they have been “unable to get a hold of me” they will delete my claim from SSA if I don’t contact them within 10 days.
I called the firm AGAIN and bypassed the system. I demanded the operator transfer me to a live person. I didn’t give a rip that my “Case Manager” was on the phone. After waiting several minutes on hold, she came back to me and said that no one was available to help me. I explained to the operator the notices I had just received via text and e-mail. Didn’t matter a damn bit.
I lost it. I was in a strange city. In a strange place. I pulled over and parked at a random store. I sat at an outside table crying my eyes out. Feeling hopeless and suicidal. This is the firm I chose to represent me in the biggest and most important point in my life (applying for Disability). And this is how they are treating me.
To be continued….