I feel so utterly worthless. These damn brain tumors have already taken so much from me! And they continue to chip away at any self-confidence I have left, which is very minimal to say the least.
I wanted to attend a Thyroid Cancer Conference this weekend. Wanted being the operative word. It’s 5:15 PM and I just remembered about it now. It’s over. I missed Friday’s, and missed all of today’s. I was in the works of being a moderator for an online support group for people with Thyroid Cancer. How can I do that when I can’t even remember a stupid thing like a virtual conference?!
I am a fraud. A big, freaking, fraud. Eff you Cowden Syndrome. And a BIG eff YOU to Lhermitte-duclos Disease too. You both robbed me of my heart’s desire and you continue, even 9 years later, to make me miserable.
I have mentioned that feeling many times over the last 9 years. I feel like a fraud: I may act like I have my crap together. But, I don’t. Not at all. I try to be positive. No one like a Debbie Downer. I try to act brave. But, I am not brave at all. I am terrified of dying alone. I am terrified of what my life will look like as my medical status moves forward.
I know it was only virtual. I know that there are more important things to worry about. But, as I continue to forget things, it just exacerbates my fear of what my life will be like one day.
What do you do to try to not beat yourself up about things?
Day 2 of Brain Tumor Awareness Month and I am 2 for 2!
I was thinking earlier about what I wanted to share today. I decided I would share a bit about where this blog began.
I began this blog the day after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. I knew nothing; nothing about what was ahead for me. Oh, man. I was so naive! I miss that Heather, to be honest. That Heather knew pain, sure. But she was so little then! ❤ I wish I could go back and tell that Heather I will never forget her. I wish I would have hugged her a bit longer. 😦
If you click here you can read my very first post. I am very thankful that I have those early days that I can look back on.
Have a good evening. Thank you for being here.
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You know, never in a million zillion years did I ever think I’d have brain tumors, let alone blacking out, hitting my head, and taking a ride in an ambulance! Yet here we are.
This incident was just a few days ago but it seems like yesterday. (A little back story: I have something wrong with my left thumb joint. For the last few months I have been feeling a lot of pain, and I mean a LOT of pain, and a “double-jointedness” on the joint right below my thumbnail. In other words, arthritis. – SIDE NOTE: I am reminded of a story of one of my little nephews. When he was a kid he called his Big Toe his “Thumb Toe”. Isn’t that the sweetest? ❤
Anyway, back to my story: It was around 4 am and I woke up to use the restroom and I always take my thyroid pill around this time. I remember opening the lid with my left hand and I got a shooting pain (I used the word excruciating) in my thumb and the next thing I remember I’m laying flat on my back on my bedroom floor. And I didn’t crumple like a little flower mind you; I hit the floor like a lead brick. I remember somehow getting to my bed and thinking to myself, “I should yell for Mom to come help me.”
The next thing I remember I am in the restroom trying to finish my business and I remember toilet tissue in my hand. Then, I am again crumpled on the floor, the back of my head is killing me, and my Mom is in my face screaming, “Heather! Are you OK? Heather! What happened?”
She said I stood in her bedroom doorway and told her, “Mom, I need your help” and I crumpled onto the floor and she heard the thud of my head against the wall. I’m not going to lie, I’m getting a good amount of anxiety as I am writing this. I want to share this with you and also to document my life today. When I am gone I want others to know how hard I tried, especially my nephews. I want to them to know how much I love them with a love that fills a thousand oceans to infinity. How they give me more joy and the strength to carry on. How hard I tried to be positive and never give up. How hard I tried not to be bitter about my lot in life.
A few days ago I blacked out and hit my head on a wall in my house. Scared the bloody hell out of my mom; I’m still kinda in shock about what happened and I try not to think about it. I took an ambulance ride and had a bunch of tests in the ER including a CT scan on my head and a chest X-ray. I was told by the doctor that everything came back “OK” and there didn’t seem to be any huge issues in my head. So, that’s great news.
Interestingly enough I had an appointment already thankfully scheduled with my neurologist yesterday. He wants to do an EEG and I have my next brain scan, #scanxiety, in December and he was fine with waiting that long to get a scan.
I’m terrified it’s going to happen again at any moment.