It’s been a while, or so it seems. I have been a bit more active on Instagram & Twitter lately, because it’s just quicker plain and simple.
I’m struggling. Hard.
And you know what blows extra hard sometimes? What can I blame it on? How can we know? Is it my brain tumors? Thyroid cancer – and lack of thyroid hormones therein? The hysterectomy and lack of those hormones also? My regular old depression and anxiety? The effects of having my cerebellum scrambled a couple of times?
I am severely constipated. Unlike anything I can recall in years. Doing “all the right things”, and it continues to get worse and a few days ago I about passed out in the bathroom. And yes. I am drinking lots of fluids – water, coconut water, etc.
Additionally, I am extremely exhausted. Again, unlike anything I can recall at least since my thyroid cancer in 2003. I think some people think I’m rolling my eyes at them, haha, but I assure you I’m not. I just literally cannot keep my eyes open. Every time I blink (which is getting longer and more often) I am just trying to will myself to be coherent and uptight upright.
Had the thyroid MRI last week and waiting to hear.
Welp. I guess the good news is I’m not dead yet! I have to file bankruptcy at least before then.
You know what? Some days just SUCK. Plain and simple. I’m dizzy. Nauseous. Bored. Angry at myself. Frustrated. Worried. And on and on…I kinda only realized TODAY that some days are just going to SUCK. And, I did quite a bit yesterday, so maybe that could be why today blows?
Doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong. Or that I am bad or less than. That it’s my fault I feel like garbage. Or that the brain tumors are growing or that my elevated liver enzymes mean anything BAD.
This is just part of my “new normal” – I’m going to feel like crap
all most days. I just am. Period. I guess the sooner I get on board with this the better I’ll be.
At least, I should start convincing myself of that.
For Pete’s sake, I have Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease and can’t think of anything to write about today? Eeeeeesh, that’s weird. I just spent 20 minutes looking up “Blog post ideas” and got sucked into the black hole of competitors and marketing? Baha. No clue.
I have some news that I am debating about sharing here. You guys are the greatest and I know you’ll be supportive and happy for me! ❤
I decided to join a few books clubs and I am very excited to go to them. I was a huge reader before diagnosis, but then I put it away for a while because it became so challenging for me; and in fact it still is. But, I know reading is good for my brain so I am thankful to have found my passion for it again.
I ordered the books online and can’t wait for them to arrive. I’ll share them with you soon.
Fall is just around the corner; I cannot wait. Which then leads to Christmas time which is brain scan time. Blech. Saw the oncologist a few weeks ago and have a mammogram and kidney scan coming up quick. I wish I could tell you I am a pro now at these appointments, but haha, nope.
I do not want to ignore my feelings, but I then wonder am I doing myself a dis-service by not writing about them? I can’t will them away; my thoughts or what I’m experiencing. It’s a bitter pill for me to swallow as I am acutely aware of how many walls I am running into because of my wonky balance issues.
Soon enough I will write about the current brain tumor/surgery/symptoms I am experiencing. Not tonight though.
Oh one more thing. Have you watched this show? I love it so much I cannot stand it!
I long for the day when July 27 will be just like any other day.
Not today. I’m not there yet.
So today I did some good stuff:
Hello. I am home watching one of the best movies, ever along with this show. I am forever #TeamShane!
And, I’m wearing ear plugs.
I wonder if any other people living with brain tumors have increased hearing sensitivity.
My anxiety is through the roof as I’m already anticipating the
gun shots fireworks in a few hours. Taking an Ativan and calling it an early night!
I must continue to remind myself that I am not complaining about my lot in life. I am processing it as best I can. That’s an entirely different story!
Last week I had to go to the ENT about my mouth. Ugh and ugh. I won’t go into details but the very next day I was hating life. Big time.
But my mouth heals and I still put one foot in front of the other. What other choice do I have? Also, July is a sobering month for me: I was diagnosed with Lhermitte-duclos Disease and had brain surgery 9 days later. It helps to write about it.
And of course, I get that. But, I don’t view my blog posts as complaining; I’m documenting.
My biggest fear is dying alone and I suppose that this blog helps me feel
safe secure that my life has some value and since everything is forever on the Internet, haha, I won’t be forgotten.
Being single and alone, no children too, is weighing on me heavily as of late.
My brain surgery/tumors are causing me more grief, too.
I have run into walls more frequently, about fallen over several times, and since it’s summer that means it’s time for daily headaches. Oh, joy. 😦
So, writing here about my life’s struggles helps me to feel validated. I know I am not alone in my brain tumor life (or my Cowden Syndrome life for that matter.)
It is what it is.
I’m scared and anxious today.
Thank you for being here.
But as I looked at it and read a few blogs, nothing is jiving for me. I could write a short post on the time I met Mr. T, or Sylvester Stallone, or Loretta Lynn and Mickey Gilly, or Brad Garrett. But meh.
What I will write about this morning is how much anxiety sucks. I mean, really and truly sucks.
For those of you who suffer with anxiety what are some quick life hacks you turn to for help? Please share in the comments. Thank you.
Something is coming up for me lately. And, I don’t like it.
This morning I went to volunteer at an event. I committed to this several months ago and knew (prepared mentally) for it ahead of time.
I realized about 3 hours in that I was “done”. My brain, my body, my entire existence was finished. I needed to leave and get home immediately. These episodes are happening more often. My side effects of brain tumor/surgeries (shaking, losing my balance, almost running into things) are increasing and it’s making my anxiety worse.
But, why, for the love of all that’s good and holy, do I feel this need to overshare? I must have said it several times in the last 48 hours, “I have a medical condition…” and then explain my feelings or my dang life to them. NO ONE CARES HEATHER!
MY BRAIN TUMORS are really no ones business and it’s my decision (obvi) to tell whom and when. Normally I have no filter when it comes to my brain stuff, but it hit me quite poignantly as I left the event:
WHY do I feel the need to overshare?
WHY do I feel I need to explain why I am tired?
WHY do I even think anyone gives a flying crap why I am doing anything?
WHY am I only realizing this now?
WHY is my ego so involved in this?
“I need to leave.” is a complete sentence. Period.
I suppose I feel judged. I suppose I feel less-than. I suppose I still haven’t fully accepted these brain tumors/effects and I feel like something is wrong with me (well, it is. But you know what I mean…)