Daily Prompt [Swallow]

During church this morning I experienced an upsetting emotional moment which made me swallow hard and really take a look at things in my life right now.

I have a calling in Primary and I love this time so much.  But I especially love Singing Time as I was inactive as a child and missed it all.

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I don’t want to be known as the girl woman who’s “So good with kids”.  I wanted my own children!  

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I found myself talking with some kids this morning as we were singing songs and I was overcome.  Tears began to flow.  (I’ve written and then deleted the same line for 5 minutes here.  I don’t know what to say next!) – I’m feeling so sad and dejected and hopeless this morning.   I wanted to be a mother more than anything.  I know that even if I didn’t have Cowden Syndrome I still may not have had children, but still. Being around children is not the same as having a child. Your own child.

It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.  It’s not the same.

To any parent who is frustrated with their children at any moment of any day: Always remember how blessed you are to have a child.  Never forget that.  Please.

Daily Prompt [Present]

In this present moment I should be getting ready for church and pondering my Primary lesson.

However, after reading a few of the other blog posts this morning on the Daily Prompt I am now thinking about how difficult it is for me to be stay acknowledge the present.  My mind is flooded with moments before being wheeled into operating rooms, moments after having a CT scan, basically moments in the past.

I see it clearly.  I know what needs to be done.  I just don’t know h o w to do it.  How to get out of the past and into the present.

I believe

Some of you may know I attend the  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It has been a huge part of my life for actually – most of it.  I have several generations of Pioneer Ancestors and am thankful and grateful to have that heritage in my life.

When I began this blog years ago, I did have faith and knowledge of our Savior and His role in my life.  It had been tested over the years, or granted, I had been tested.  Nothing on par with getting diagnosed with 2 brain tumors, but you get my drift.

Yet looking back, I truly didn’t understand anything.  I don’t feel I ever was truly mad at Heavenly Father once I got diagnosed, I just was pretty bleh about my life and everything that came with it.  I just didn’t care.  About anything.  Not anger just indifference. I didn’t care.  Period.

Fast forward through years of therapy, life, writing on this blog, etc. I am glad I can now ponder about that time in my life.  I am so happy with my decision to start this blog so that time of my life is documented in this small space on the Internet.  What I was thinking/doing/feeling/wanting/fearing at the moments of getting diagnosed with a brain tumor and subsequent Rare Disease of Cowden Syndrome are emotions I don’t like to recall often, but glad I can review them if I want to.

Every 6 months my church has General Conference, where the Leaders and Prophet counsel us.  It is quite a momentous event and I have been blessed enough to attend 2 (3?)  times in my life, once in the Tabernacle and once in the Conference Center (when it was dedicated!).  I attended church yesterday and I suppose this is why this is on my mind to write about.  I feel renewed that I have this faith and knowledge I can always rely on, it is always there for me, if I choose to embrace it.  I cannot ever deny what I know to be true.

Over the last few months I started this habit (I guess it’s a habit, although maybe a goal is a better word?) to choose a Conference talk to listen to each day.  There is no rhyme or reason to my choosing.  I open the app, scroll to a year (today’s was 2004) and then click.

Today’s Conference talk is Believe by Sister Dalton.

This is all coming full circle for me and I am grateful to see the connection.

It was just what I needed to hear today and I would like to share it with you.

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Do you have any daily habits or goals you work on achieving?

Daily Prompt [Trance; and also Depression is real]

I mean, it really does.  But, so does menopause, brain tumors, anxiety, hypothyroidism, loneliness, and a host of other things.  I feel like when I have days like this (read: days that suck) I need to blame something:  (see my list of things above).  I don’t know why.

I guess because I hope I’m not just lazy.  I hope that as these bad days come more often I will be able to not let them suck the life out of me and get me down even more.

Today, for example: I didn’t go to church.  I went on an “adventure” yesterday (my words) and I think I overdid it.  I just couldn’t clear the brain fog this morning.  I woke up and felt like I was in a trance.  So, I slept/napped a bit more. Did some reading.  Caught up on one of my favorite shows, and while it’s still mid afternoon I have 2 choices.  (Actually, I probably have many more but these are my main 2.)  I can take another nap, rest my brain, or get up and clean my room and catch up on my mail and laundry that’s piled up.

More later.

Where is my Happy?

I had an emotional time at church this morning.

I want you to know…

I complain (here).  I scream (here).  I whine (here).  I cry (here).

But, I really do want to be happy.

#HisDay

I am striving to be more mindful that today is His Day.

At church this morning, the lesson I taught in Relief Society was on the Temple and how to make that a symbol of our membership.  It was a great discussion and I felt the Spirit.  I am very grateful.

I have several posts half-written still in my drafts folder.  About my kidney scan and mammogram appointment, the telephone call I never imagined I would ever make, my thoughts and fears about the Disability Hearing date finally being set (next month!), all added to the 5 year anniversary (July 2011) of my life becoming all this.

Life is crazy.  My life is nuts.  I continue to strive to enjoy my life.  That is such a foreign concept to me now.  Enjoy life?  I know it’s a blessing to me.  Although, it’s been so incredibly difficult and painful these past 5 years, I’m doing all I can to find the balance.

Even today.

 

 

Well, that’s new

Something happened to me at church today, and I really didn’t like it.  I teach Relief Society once a month and this morning during the lesson I got very dizzy and lost my balance.  (Thankfully I didn’t faceplant).  I was embarrassed and really scared.  I know that most of the sisters thought I was getting emotional about what I was reading, although a few sisters (who know my history) knew exactly what was happening.

I was fighting a headache all morning.  Then that happened.  It kind of felt like I was on a roller coaster ride and it was still moving, although I wasn’t.  I grabbed a chair and very carefully sat down on it.  It was the weirdest thing.  Sure, I get dizzy when I lay down for bed.  Or, when I’m turning over in bed.  Or, when I am walking and I look down, or any such thing.  But, this was new.  And, I didn’t like it.

I guess this is brain tumor life.  Or, Lhermitte-duclos life.  Or, brain surgery life.  Who knows.  It’s just terrifying.  Scary, unknown stuff and I’m scared this dizzy crap is going to start really interfering with my quality of life.

Crap.  Freaking crap crap crap.

Sunday Funday

Why is it that I seem to think of blog posts as I am rushing to get to church each week?

🙂

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I have a calling to teach the women of  Relief Society each month from the Teachings of the Joseph Fielding Smith.

Since I am a substitute teacher I think often of how I can present my lesson material to the sisters to make it interesting and engaging.  Each month, I read the lesson and choose several sections that I think we can cover during the hour.  I read the Section Question aloud to the sisters; then we all read together (or “Popcorn” as some teachers may know it to be called); then I read the question again at the end of the section and hopefully we have a great discussion about what was just read.   🙂

Last month I had prepared a different way to give my lesson.  I friend of mine who is a 2nd grade teacher, and also taught for Relief Society last month as a substitute, shared this method with me and I really felt good about it.  “Let’s do it!”, I thought to myself.  I was excited.  I had prepared.  I thought the lesson would be great!  Interesting!  Engaging!  Participation to the “T”!  I was ready to go!

Except for one thing.

That morning I felt sick.  Scared.  Nervous.  Uneasy.  Unhinged.  I could not figure it out!  I shouldn’t be nervous to stand before these women – most of them have known me since birth.  It was the oddest feeling.  I couldn’t much put my finger on it.  I just knew something was different.  Was it me?  Why was I doubting things and my ability?  What was going on?  What was up?  Right before class I was reviewing the chapter and a sister came over to me to visit.  I shared with her my feelings, and I said to her that I wondered if this was the Spirit telling me something?  She said that there was a difference between doubting my ability and receiving an impression from the Holy Ghost.  OF COURSE she was right.  I just didn’t know how to tell which was which!

Even as I walked into the Relief Society room I had no idea which was I was going to teach the lesson.  As I walked up to the podium, I began to talk.  Sometimes like to make small jokes (nothing inappropriate) but I say that I am OK with throwing myself under the bus as long as *I* am the one doing it.  🙂  And I shared my dilemma about which way I was going to present my lesson to them.  The:

1. Standard, old hat, way I always had.
2. Group the sisters according to Sections in the lesson.  Give them about 10 minutes to read then go ahead.  My wish in doing this was to generate more discussion between them, instead of me talking “at” them for the entire time (which is how I felt I had done it).

And, I just went into #1.  The usual way I teach.

After the lesson was over I had a few women tell me that they really dislike lessons using #2.  And another one told me last week that she was glad I chose #1 because it was “something I was good at”. 

In hindsight I am very glad to have had this experience.  While I am not the best at articulating things, it was good for me to have those “feelings” and to discern to the best of my ability and then give it my best shot.

 

 

 

Something really beautiful happened yesterday

I teach the 3rd Sundays at church in Relief Society.

Granted, I only remembered this past Thursday that my week was coming up (I still can’t believe I dropped the ball like that!) I panicked and prayed, and studied the lesson as best I possibly could. Yesterday’s lesson was Chapter 16 “That We May Become One.”

These last few days I had planned and prepared to teach parts 1, 3, and 5 of the lesson. Maybe not planned as well as I could or should have, but that’s another story.

As I finished teaching part 1 I looked at the pages that held parts 2 and 3, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was NOT to teach part 3. It was strong. It was palpable. The feeling was odd. It was like a big brick on my chest. I had to do a double take. I looked at part 3 but then my mind and vision was drawn towards part 2. That happened a couple of times. And for a moment I almost second-guessed myself and the Spirit, but thankfully, I listened to the Spirit.

I felt odd because even though I had read the entire lesson, I hadn’t prepared anything for part 2 so I felt very uneasy as the section continued. But before I knew it (I only looked at the clock 3 times!) Relief Society was over and I know that I left there feeling the Spirit of the Holy Ghost.

A sister approached me later and shared something personal with me. Part 3 (that I skipped) was a very difficult read for her as it resonated with her presently. And that I didn’t teach from that section was a blessing to her (my words).

I am so thankful I listened to the Spirit and followed the prompting I so strongly received. This experience was a testimony to me that the Lord knows the needs of the sisters in my ward and what they need to be taught.

Turn it around

This morning I was feeling very alone.

Wishing so badly that I had someone to talk to.

I’m here at church now. Some topics I’m listening to:

Obedience, fears and how to overcome them.

I am feeling better and I’m very thankful. The Lord knows ME. I am receiving confirmation of this all over the place today.