Where or where to begin?
I’m up early – couldn’t sleep – and decided to jump on the ‘ole blog because life is coming full force and at times, I can’t breathe. Writing, sometimes, helps me breathe.
Here’s a quick recap on the last few months:
- In January, I lost my rescue dog. I loved him for the past 8 months and he forever changed my life. I was utterly gutted at his loss, but it was time. He was ready although I never was, nor ever will be.
- Finally got the referral to a neurologist (that was desperately needed!) and was told I have (the beginnings of?) nerve damage in my feet. From the brain tumors? The brain surgeries? Huh? What else now?! I had a nerve test last month and it was hell. The dot and the period.
- Do you remember the thyroid issues I have dealt with since last October? Last month also, I had another fine needle biopsy on my (empty) thyroid bed. (So, let’s see that’s – ultrasound/MRI/fine needle biopsy X2) – and there is STILL NO ANSWER AS TO WTF IS GOING ON IN MY NECK! I
had have elevated thyroglobulin and my doctor thinks maybe it was a technician error? Yet something is growing (I guess?) in my neck but it’s not a lymph node or thyroid benign or malignant cells? Ugh, I’m beyond exhausted.
- Haven’t filed BK yet. Found out there was some paperwork I need to submit to one of my creditors.
- My anxiety is getting pretty riled up and I am struggling with even the simplest of daily life tasks.
- I deleted my twitter account. I don’t know why; just felt like the right thing to do. Maybe I’ll be back one day? There are so many wonderful things about twitter, and to be honest it just doesn’t feel right watching Days or Gutfeld w/o tweeting!
- I have this great urge to purge (LOL). Probably the shame and anxiety about the BK.
So, what else folks? Do I continue this morning to wallow in shame or do I put on my big girl pants and get crap done today? I’m sure you know what I want to do. Let’s see if I fight against my norm and do it different.
So weird. I guess I have deep-rooted issues in my subconscious (duh, you think?) Watch the evolution of this blog post… 🙂
Earlier I looked at these word prompt. I was going to write something earlier today but then got distracted. All day I kept thinking the word prompt was trauma. It’s fraud. How funny? How odd.
As I am sitting here mulling around things in my mind, my first thought is how much of a fraud Brady is. I mean, he says he loves Nicole but then look what he’s doing? He can only play the nice guy for so long.
Ben was a fraud, too.
Actually, there are quite a few men in Salem who are frauds, come to think of it.
And, I’ve even known a guy myself who was a fraud and made me think we had a relationship. Yet, it was only an illusion.
This site defines fraud as: deceit, trickery. An act of deceiving or misrepresenting.
If I ever am blessed to get married or even have a relationship, how do I make sure he’s not a fraud? Scary stuff.
PS: I love Days of Our Lives, in case that wasn't clear.
PPS: I have actually endured quite a bit of trauma.
I’ve borrowed this from This Mom’s Gonna Snap a few times and wanted to do one more before 2016 is up.
Making: My bed.
Cooking: Does helping my mom make Christmas goodies count?
Drinking: A Skinny Girl Protein drink.
Reading: The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks.
Trawling: The Internet for a Harvey’s Seatbelt bag. (I can dream, right?)
Wanting: To be healthy.
Looking: For a way to not feel like a frump for 2017.
Deciding: If it’s time to downsize some clutter in my room.
Wishing: I could go to Disneyland. Or, to be honest, Disneyworld.
Enjoying: Quiet mornings.
Waiting: For my head to clear.
Liking: Donny Osmond Christmas music.
Wondering: What Christmas Clearance deals I can find.
Loving: Grace and Frankie!
Pondering: Where I will be in 40 years. Alone? Healthy? What will the brain tumors be doing?
Listening: To the wind gusting outside.
Considering: How I can make 2017 my best year?
Buying: Healthy foods.
Watching: Days Of Our Lives
Hoping: For good health.
Marveling: How quickly Christmas flew by!
Cringing: About how people are willing to sever relationships over differing politics
Needing: To go for a walk.
Questioning: How people can abandon their animals.
Smelling: Lavender lotion.
Wearing: Christmas socks!
Following: More bloggers who champion Rare Disease Awareness.
Noticing: I need to up my water intake.
Knowing: I have a few thank you cards to write this week.
Thinking: About how I will incorporate more exercise into my life.
Admiring: How strong people living with Cowden Syndrome are!
Getting: The itch to travel somewhere.
Bookmarking: More books. I love the Goodreads app!
Opening: More books!
Giggling: At myself.
Trying: To not miss Halloween at Disneyland too much.
Hearing: The TV.
Celebrating: My birthday soon!
Pretending: That my life isn’t as hard as it as sometimes.
Embracing: Quiet. Rest. Family.
Since June of this year, I have had some type of medical appointment, procedure, etc. over 32 times.
But, today I don’t. And, I am really thankful that I do not have to do something today (except volunteer) later tonight. I can shower when I want; get dressed when I want; watch whatever I want (just happened to watch 3 episodes of this in a row. SO. DANG. GOOD!) – and it’s an incredible feeling.
I have racked my brain for the last few weeks about something to write about that’s non-medical. But, let’s face it. Pretty much my whole life revolves around medical everything or how medical somethings have fundamentally changed my life for the much, much, worse. But, since I am a
list maker, list writer, list-follower (?) I thought it’d be a good object lesson for me to write some things going on that aren’t really brain tumor related. So, here goes:
- Saw a nutritionist last week. She said no more protein shakes after my workouts, and instead to drink 2% chocolate milk. I’m all for trying something new!
- This is my birthday week! Celebrated by getting a fancy manicure and DID. NOT. BUY. the Fossil bag I have drooled over for months (in Mushroom, BTW). That, there, is growth!
- Last night I spoke at a treatment center in a Twelfth Step panel. Quite the experience! 🙂
- Just before I began this post, I was at the animal shelter in the Cat Rooms. I noticed that one cat in particular, Rita, didn’t look right. Her hair seemed wet, and I guess she could have gotten in fight with another one and they could have fallen into a water dish. But, what’s more likely is that she is ill because I heard that there is a something going around there. I told the front office staff and I pray they look into it.
- Been doing quite a bit of genealogy work on my mom’s family line. I hope to never hear, “Oh, all my work has been done!” because it’s never done! I love it so much. I know these ancestors of mine are real people and they just wanted to be found and validated as once living souls on this earth.
- I am thinking about doing another Booster fundraiser t-shirt. (Especially since I shrunk mine in the dryer this morning. #FacePalm.) Would you be interesting in buying one? More info. on this soon.
- My new favorite reality TV shows: Number 1 and Number 2. Color me hooked; only for a few reasons. #1 – because the single, girl in me hopes for love one day, no matter what the way. And #2 – because Days of Our Lives.
- I have a trip planned in July and I am SO. EXCITED. Here’s a clue: