While I get caught in some deep depression most days, I know there are many miracles in my life. I could dedicate an entire blog to them. However, not today. I want to focus on my healing since my brain surgeries. I know it is nothing short of miraculous that I am alive today and able to walk.
I mean, it really does. But, so does menopause, brain tumors, anxiety, hypothyroidism, loneliness, and a host of other things. I feel like when I have days like this (read: days that suck) I need to blame something: (see my list of things above). I don’t know why.
I guess because I hope I’m not just lazy. I hope that as these bad days come more often I will be able to not let them suck the life out of me and get me down even more.
Today, for example: I didn’t go to church. I went on an “adventure” yesterday (my words) and I think I overdid it. I just couldn’t clear the brain fog this morning. I woke up and felt like I was in a trance. So, I slept/napped a bit more. Did some reading. Caught up on one of my favorite shows, and while it’s still mid afternoon I have 2 choices. (Actually, I probably have many more but these are my main 2.) I can take another nap, rest my brain, or get up and clean my room and catch up on my mail and laundry that’s piled up.
This is a funny prompt, only because due to my deep depression I have struggled a lot with brushing my teeth. TMI? Sorry. Realtalk? – You bet.
A few years ago I finally made the move to an electric toothbrush and I haven’t looked back since.
AND, while I could go on and on about mouth problems and CS (but I won’t), I will say that I pretty much fault every dental hygenist I’ve ever met in my entire life.
I only found out LAST year there’s so much more to flossing! GAH, I am embarrassed to admit that, but it’s true. I thought flossing’s
main purpose was to remove any food that had lodged between my teeth. I never knew it was to scrape off all the junk and buildup!
Such is my life: Brain tumors, rare diseases, and learning how to floss properly at 44! 🙂
Sometimes, I wonder how many people have been forced to file for bankruptcy once being diagnosed with a life-changing disease? While I know it’s not healthy to be so focused on my dire financial situation, it’s really hard not to be. It’s really difficult to not be depressed about my current state of affairs. And, I see no end in sight. My brain is now damaged. I have a brain disease. I’m desperate. I don’t know what to do.
This isn’t pleasant. This isn’t fun. This is my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Normally I don’t have any problems writing. If anything I have so much to write about that I can’t keep things straight. Yet currently I’m blocked. Severely. The root issue is I’ve been in a deep depression that is scaring me. Unlike one I’ve ever remembered. What’s causing it? I wish I knew.
I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m trying. I’m communicating with my mom so she’s aware. My doctors know. I’m being honest. Life with Lhermitte-duclos Disease and Cowden Syndrome is a big, freaking drag sometimes. Not the most positive post I’ve written, but sometimes owning your truth is more important than putting on a positive front.