I’m mad

So, this post is just to get all this crap out of my head so that hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Welp.  I don’t sleep any other night, so why would tonight be any different?

LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN:

  • I have 2 rare brain tumors
  • I have a hereditary cancer syndrome called Cowden Syndrome
  • I had 2 brain surgeries and am currently experiencing issues/effects from having my brain scrambled a few times
  • Blah blah blah – I see a zillion doctors
  • I apply for disability 3 1/2 years ago
  • I GET DENIED for disability
  • I can’t work, I can’t understand and process things as quickly as I used to, etc. etc. etc.
  • Just a few weeks ago I found out about a job that’s in my field, PART-TIME, matches my degree area, pays INCREDIBLY, literally perfect on paper so I scrambled (ha!) and applied. I am very qualified for the job
  • FOUND OUT TONIGHT THAT I didn’t even get called for a damn interview for the position
  • ALSO, DO YOU KNOW THAT I CANNOT EVEN GET AN INTERVIEW FOR TARGET?!
  • What does God want from me?
  • One needs money in order to survive in this world!
  • Filing bankruptcy has been one of my worst fears since diagnosis and I have been able to avoid it.  Until now
  • I can’t work.  But, then when I find something that would be a STRUGGLE but do-able, I don’t even get a call to interview for it
  • I am a good person!  I have a degree!
  • What the hell is wrong with me and what I am I supposed to do now?  Sell my body on a street corner to make ends meet?

I could really go without…

another person telling me the following:

“Wow.  You got denied disability?  I know tons of people with less than you who got approved.”

“In order to get approved you pretty much have to have a condition that will end in death.”

(It’s freaking 2 brain tumors.  How much more “ending in death” can you get?)

“Are you working?”

“Are you married?”

“Why aren’t you married?”

Please.  For the love.  Just stop.

Eff my life

I have a virtual friend who has offered me her expertise, advice, support, on this whole disability mess.  (THANK YOU!)

I chose not to read the judge’s 23 page denial because it will only make me angrier and more suicidal.

My virtual friend was kind enough to read the denial for me.

In part, the denial states that I was “fine and happy” in the courtroom.  (I was trying to be professional and not lose my marbles.  I almost did cause a scene at the end and I held it together because I was afraid THAT would be held against me.)

Over the years I have told my doctors that “I’m fine”.  The judge held that against me in part of his reason to deny me.

(I have only told my numerous doctors “I’m fine” because I AM TIRED OF TELLING THEM ABOUT MY PAIN ALL THE TIME.  MY CONSTANT HEAD PAIN, CONFUSION, MEMORY PROBLEMS, FINE MOTOR SKILLS PROBLEMS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, ETC.)  But, that doesn’t mean over the 6 years since my life got turned upside down I never told ANY doctor I am in horrific pain?  I DID!

The advocate told me if I chose to appeal then my case would go back to the same judge.  My virtual friend said that in the denial it says that it may not go back to the same judge.

So kids.  If you’re in the process of filing to disability, don’t EVER tell any of your doctors that you are fine.  And, don’t find someone to “help” you online.

Quiet

I know I have been pretty quiet here as of late.

I wish I could say it was because I had nothing to write about.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

Next week is my disability hearing.

I have worked so hard to stay positive and hopeful.  It’s a moment by moment deal for me.  I find ways to distract myself when I start to stress out about what’s going to happen before the Judge.

Working on keeping my head down and plugging along.

I’ll be back very soon.

 

 

Hearing. Finally?

Tomorrow morning I may or may not go before the Judge in my Disability hearing.

Will you please say a short prayer, or send up good MOJO to the stars for me?

I’m so nervous, but have prayed for my peace of mind and heart for weeks.

Thank you very much.

EDIT:  Aaaack.  I set this to be published 2 days ago in case I wasn’t near my computer today.  Found out the hearing has been postponed.  Thank you for the prayers.  I still welcome them and am very grateful.