Fraud. Also TL, DR

I am worthless.

I feel so utterly worthless.  These damn brain tumors have already taken so much from me!  And they continue to chip away at any self-confidence I have left, which is very minimal to say the least.

I wanted to attend a Thyroid Cancer Conference this weekend.  Wanted being the operative word.  It’s 5:15 PM and I just remembered about it now.  It’s over.  I missed Friday’s, and missed all of today’s.  I was in the works of being a moderator for an online support group for people with Thyroid Cancer.  How can I do that when I can’t even remember a stupid thing  like a virtual conference?!

I am a fraud.  A big, freaking, fraud.  Eff you Cowden Syndrome.  And a BIG eff YOU to Lhermitte-duclos Disease too.  You both robbed me of my heart’s desire and you continue, even 9 years later, to make me miserable.

I have mentioned that feeling many times over the last 9 years.  I feel like a fraud:  I may act like I have my crap together.  But, I don’t.  Not at all.  I try to be positive.  No one like a Debbie Downer.  I try to act brave.  But, I am not brave at all.  I am terrified of dying alone.  I am terrified of what my life will look like as my medical status moves forward.

I know it was only virtual.  I know that there are more important things to worry about.  But, as I continue to forget things, it just exacerbates my fear of what my life will be like one day.

What do you do to try to not beat yourself up about things?  

the fork in the road

I created this blog 9 years ago to document my life living with 2 brain tumors.  Yet, as I sit here this evening I cannot bring myself to write about anything.  I’ve never had a filter here, and I am not purposely holding anything back.  It’s just that I cannot connect anything in my brain to share.  Sadly, things are very active with my Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease.  I had a visit with the ENT last week to talk about my tinnitus.  I could write about that at some point, I suppose.

So, what should I do?  Retire the blog?  Move entirely to Twitter since short blog posts are more my style (at least I prefer to read short blog posts).  Is anyone still here?  Would love to hear if anyone’s still here with me.  This whole “Content Creator” trend definitely isn’t how this blog began.  Unsure if I can make the transition.

May 4, 2020

Day 4 of Brain Tumor Awareness month and today I decided to share a little bit of data (that I could find) about the type of brain tumor I have: Gangliocytoma.  My understanding is that this is a very rare, but benign, brain tumor that makes up about 1% of all brain tumors.

Sadly, a few of the “main” brain tumor org’s I have found do not carry much, if any, data about Gangliocytoma.  Yes, they are rare.  Yes, they are benign.  But, it is still a type of brain tumor and the data that *is there should be included.  I think that is one of my biggest frustrations since diagnosis:  inclusion of *all types of brain tumors.

Anyway.  Below is one of the (few) links I have found in my research.  I pray that more data will be collected!

+Lhermitte-duclos Disease

 

May 3, 2020 a bit graphic

Day 3 of Brain Tumor Awareness month and I chose to share a picture from my v long recovery.

This photo was taken August 2011, about a week after my 2nd craniotomy. Not a pleasant sight.

May 2, 2020

Day 2 of Brain Tumor Awareness Month and I am 2 for 2!

I was thinking earlier about what I wanted to share today. I decided I would share a bit about where this blog began.

I began this blog the day after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. I knew nothing; nothing about what was ahead for me. Oh, man. I was so naive! I miss that Heather, to be honest. That Heather knew pain, sure. But she was so little then! ❤ I wish I could go back and tell that Heather I will never forget her. I wish I would have hugged her a bit longer. 😦

If you click here you can read my very first post. I am very thankful that I have those early days that I can look back on.

Have a good evening. Thank you for being here.

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Please don’t forget to visit my Bonfire store – click here! and consider buying your custom t-shirt today! Thanks! 🙂

May is #BrainTumorAwarenessMonth

Hi everyone! So today marks the beginning of brain tumor awareness month and I am planning on doing something different over here on the blog. My plan goal is to write a blog post every day this month with facts about brain tumors, or what my life is like today 9 years post brain surgeries.

Now, I may take advantage of using either Twitter or Instagram to post, but that all depends on how I am feeling each day. (I haven’t yet written about my thyroid ultrasound this week and what that involved.)

So be sure to check out my social media accounts and let’s have a great Brain Tumor Awareness Month! You can follow #btsm, #btam, or #GoGrayInMay to get involved and/or read about other brain tumor advocates.

Good night and be in touch! 🙂

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Check out my social media accounts here and here, and also click here to check out my Bonfire store. Will you be able to purchase a shirt to support me (during Covid19) and my brain tumor and rare disease life? ❤ ❤ ❤ Thank you so much!

Bookz

I traded these at a Little Free Library today! Although reading is pretty hard for me post-op, I’ve had a deep love for books and reading since grade school.

Stop it

I thankfully just avoided a panic attack. I’ve been through this for so many years but the anxiety just doesn’t stop.

At times my head (skull) itches. I’m sure the nerves healed after both brain surgeries in a weird way which causes the odd itchy places.

I was rubbing my usual itchy spots (right near the incision) just now and I swear I heard (felt) a type of crunchy sound. That’s new. That’s weird. Then it hit me. Hard.

I’m grateful I was home with my mom. I started the 5,4,3 thing (which I don’t know if I did it correctly) but it helped ease me down.

Nine years after brain surgeries and I’m still no better at accepting and coping with Lhermitte-duclos Disease.

Rare Disease Days of Yore

LOL, I don’t know. 🙂

So, what was it about this RDD that was different? Why didn’t I feel as empowered as years past? Why didn’t I find something to do? Like in 2015 when I organized a fundraiser at a local gym? Gosh, I wish I knew. I don’t want to lose any steam ever on being a voice for Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease. But what gives? I really need to try to figure that out.

I have a hunch but will do some deeper pondering about it.

Yesterday I spent a very lazy day at home. My family was here, and we were watching old VHS movies from my high school days (very surreal!). I found myself just doing what I could to stay present. Remembering what I could from high school. Seeing and hearing my Dad on a video was such a shock and joyful moment at once. (He’s passed away)…

Even as I am writing this, I realize (finally?) that any day can be Rare Disease Day and I have the control! I suppose one of the things I am grateful for oddly enough post-diagnosis is that I have found my voice to advocate for myself. I never knew I needed it; but here we are and I CAN DO IT.

I didn’t think about anything health-related yesterday which is pretty damn awesome in my book. No brain surgery or hysterectomy memories, no “day-dreaming” of what my life will never be.

I just was.

With my family.

Safe.

And, I guess I couldn’t hope for much more than that.

Happy Sunday to you and yours.