Checking in for hope

I am probably going to be writing more lately.  I mean, I kept this blog going all these years as a tool to help me process my emotions.  In case it wasn’t clear, I am greatly struggling right now.  People are losing their minds.  People are judging those they don’t know.  People are being cruel.  People are forgetting we came to this Earth with our God-given agency.  People are trying to get in my business.  People are bullying me because I choose different than they do.  People are horrific (especially those on the Twitter).  I am not coping well with this.  I cannot work.  I cannot eat.  I feel like something is really wrong with me.  I mean, there is something wrong with my mind.  I cannot detach from this because people are coming – for – me and it’s now affecting my career.  I beg of you, wherever you land on the v a (( i n e…….please check yourself if you’re contributing to the divide in our nation.

Pray for the world

This isn’t OK. What’s happening in the world is terrifying. People are losing their minds. I am not a second class citizen for using my God-given agency. I am losing my wits about me and that is so scary to me. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. My anxiety is running at 100. I can’t continue. I can’t function.

I implore you to look at yourself closely: if you support removing a person’s right to choose for themselves, you are furthering the divide in this country.

Dear Lord, please help and protect us. If people continue to treat others in this disgusting manner, what will ever happen to us? This nightmare will never end and I need Your help to endure this. Is there Light at the end? Is there a way out?

My body my choice. Until it isn’t.

Checking in

Hey friends:  I am still here! It’s been a while, and thought I’d catch up quickly this evening.

  • I had “surgery” on my thumb this week.  5 stitches for my trigger finger.  Blergh.  Not fun in the least little bit.
  • I had my mammo last week, because you know, Cowden Syndrome and high-risk breast cancer risk.  It was “normal”!  #winning
  • Since I just got my mammo I can now try to sort out my screening timeline again since Corona jacked *everything up.  Basically, someone is getting to second base with me every 3 months.
  • What are you watching lately?  I am a relatively new fan of BB (Go Ian!) and have been watching since #BB16.  Still into every single version of #90DayFiance, and just finished another Joe Exotic thing.  I liked this one the most as it followed up on some of the Big Cats Joe abused.  I am now a follower and newest sponsor of one of their residents.  Check out the sanctuary here!
  • Trying my hardest to keep my hope and head above water.  How are you doing in the time of Corona?

 

Urgent

8:30 am tomorrow morning I have my urgent CT scan. I feel how I did 9 years ago during that week’s time between the brain tumor diagnosis and the first craniotomy.

Trying to read. Trying to distract. Trying to stay relaxed and as calm as possible.

Rare Disease Days of Yore

LOL, I don’t know. 🙂

So, what was it about this RDD that was different? Why didn’t I feel as empowered as years past? Why didn’t I find something to do? Like in 2015 when I organized a fundraiser at a local gym? Gosh, I wish I knew. I don’t want to lose any steam ever on being a voice for Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease. But what gives? I really need to try to figure that out.

I have a hunch but will do some deeper pondering about it.

Yesterday I spent a very lazy day at home. My family was here, and we were watching old VHS movies from my high school days (very surreal!). I found myself just doing what I could to stay present. Remembering what I could from high school. Seeing and hearing my Dad on a video was such a shock and joyful moment at once. (He’s passed away)…

Even as I am writing this, I realize (finally?) that any day can be Rare Disease Day and I have the control! I suppose one of the things I am grateful for oddly enough post-diagnosis is that I have found my voice to advocate for myself. I never knew I needed it; but here we are and I CAN DO IT.

I didn’t think about anything health-related yesterday which is pretty damn awesome in my book. No brain surgery or hysterectomy memories, no “day-dreaming” of what my life will never be.

I just was.

With my family.

Safe.

And, I guess I couldn’t hope for much more than that.

Happy Sunday to you and yours.

Hope

I just finished my EEG and had one of the most spectacular technicians ever! She was awesome. Period. She is 100000000% in the right career field. She gave me hope that not all medical people suck!

While the test was rough (the flashing lights part was no good) she made it “less rough” (90’s R & B can make anything a whole lot better!) PLUS she listened to me.

Thank you Ms. P!

Financial status 2019

Hi there.  It’s been a while; I’m still here.

I think I have written many times about my toxic financial situation post diagnosis of Cowden Syndrome and Lhermitte-duclos Disease.  For the sake of time, I’ll try to snapshot it here:

  • I’m in debt over $20,000 on my credit cards as I have been forced to live on them, since I can no longer do what I once did for employment.
  • I have kicked around this idea for months, the bankruptcy idea.  I have prolonged it as long as I could because my ego and credit score. 🙂
  • I also owe over $35,000 in student loans (you know, the whole career thing I had planned before having 2 brain surgeries, et al.)

I called one of my creditors this morning to find out about any hardship programs they offered.  Currently, my monthly payment is $395.  Guess what program I qualify for with them?  A 5 year program with a monthly payment of $370.

Huh?

Am I missing something here?

So, bankruptcy is next.  I have an appointment the end of February to see an attorney to just get this done and over with.  (NOTE:  The filing fee for bankruptcy is $1875.)

So, if you happen to see or hear from me and I am riddled with anxiety, or so depressed I cannot get out of my bed, or I’m distant or just seem off – please know it’s because life is a lot right now.  It is literally costing me money to live – and I am going deeper in the hole every moment of every day.

Pretty grim right now for me, tbh.

If you happen to see me on Twitter and see my posting about my GoFundMe or my Teespring store, would you do me a solid and share then for me please?

Thank you.  Until next time.