I’m mad

So, this post is just to get all this crap out of my head so that hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Welp.  I don’t sleep any other night, so why would tonight be any different?

LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN:

  • I have 2 rare brain tumors
  • I have a hereditary cancer syndrome called Cowden Syndrome
  • I had 2 brain surgeries and am currently experiencing issues/effects from having my brain scrambled a few times
  • Blah blah blah – I see a zillion doctors
  • I apply for disability 3 1/2 years ago
  • I GET DENIED for disability
  • I can’t work, I can’t understand and process things as quickly as I used to, etc. etc. etc.
  • Just a few weeks ago I found out about a job that’s in my field, PART-TIME, matches my degree area, pays INCREDIBLY, literally perfect on paper so I scrambled (ha!) and applied. I am very qualified for the job
  • FOUND OUT TONIGHT THAT I didn’t even get called for a damn interview for the position
  • ALSO, DO YOU KNOW THAT I CANNOT EVEN GET AN INTERVIEW FOR TARGET?!
  • What does God want from me?
  • One needs money in order to survive in this world!
  • Filing bankruptcy has been one of my worst fears since diagnosis and I have been able to avoid it.  Until now
  • I can’t work.  But, then when I find something that would be a STRUGGLE but do-able, I don’t even get a call to interview for it
  • I am a good person!  I have a degree!
  • What the hell is wrong with me and what I am I supposed to do now?  Sell my body on a street corner to make ends meet?
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Sunday morning

For the record, this insomnia I’m dealing with is killing me.  It is so rough and I know this sleep deprivation is beginning to take a huge toll on me.  The burden I am now forced to carry is very heavy.

Today, I am a human being struggling to manage some wicked symptoms.  No positivity.  No happy thoughts.  Just utter frustration that my life is now all of this.

 

On my way

  • I’m on my way to the next P.T. appointment this morning.  Little bit of apprehension.
  • Went to another FORCE meeting this weekend.  Sigh.  I can’t believe I’m considering another surgery, but I really am.  Today I think I can handle surveillance every 6 months for the rest of my life, but tomorrow I will remember these women who have had prophylactic bilateral mastecomies and who look AMAZING.  Strong, powerful, stunning, women and wonder if I can be one of them too?
  • I’ve been on a small dose of estrogen for several months since the hysterectomy and it has helped wonders with the hot flashes and insomnia.  Well.  About a week or so ago (maybe 2, I don’t know) I started getting break through hot flashes.  (I thought that I could handle those, I’d look for some homeopathic treatment and be OK.  Because, we don’t know if me being on estrogen is going to end up biting me in the bumm at some point in the future, anyway.)  But, add in the insomnia too?  No.  Just no.  That makes me so angry!  I get really crabby when I don’t sleep.  And, call me crabby today because I didn’t sleep for beans last night.  So, the oncologist said I could increase the estrogen a small amount and see if that makes any difference.  So far?  None.  Patience, I have none.  I have no time for my body to decide if it’s going to make nice with the estrogen.  I just need it done!
  • I’m still volunteering at a local animal shelter.  Here is my lovey and I want so much to adopt her.  Her owner died and they brought her to a shelter.  She is skin and bones and was so depressed when I first met her.  At least now she is greeting me when I visit and will eat treats from my hand.  I pray she gets her furever home!

    Kayla

    Kayla