Enter Title Here on 7/27/17 and also, (GRAPHIC?)

I don’t really know what to say when I see pictures like this.  It makes my stomach hurt a bit.

But it’s me and who I am.  ❤

As I have written before, July is always a heavy and rough month for me.  Just because I ponder so much about where my life was and where I am now.  You can read this post as a refresher, but basically I was diagnosed with a 5 cm. brain tumor in my cerebellum on 7/18/11 and then I had a 13 hour brain surgery 7/27/11.  Then, I had another one a week later 8/4/11.

I know that people talk a lot about scars, what they mean, they give us power or strength to see what we’ve overcome, blah blah blah.  I don’t really have anything wordy or eloquent to say about this scar because to be very honest:  it just plain sucks balls.

I think the more I look at it, the more I talk about it or try to embrace it, it’ll be less taboo to talk about.  I read this tweet a while ago that (paraphrased) said:  You talk about your kids and your marriage and your job.  I don’t have any of that and I talk about my brain tumors and my fear of when I will die and what will happen to me.  I freaking love this tweet and hope you will be mindful of that if your friend has a medical situation they must address.

(NOTE:  Many times, at least in my experience, just because someone has brain surgery doesn’t mean the doctors were able to remove the entire tumor.  Please don’t just assume “Oh, they are fine” once they have recovered from their surgeries.  I believe in some cases a neurosurgeon can remove the entire tumor, but that didn’t happen at all in my case.  Plus, I have another smaller 2 cm. tumor that is encapsulated in my cerebellum.  One of my sincerest hopes is that my life after surgeries and with brain tumors can help educate someone about them and how to better support us.)

I am glad today is almost over.  Soon, or probably it should be already, July 27 will just be another day. I am working towards that….soon.

PS, if you’re on Twitter please follow #BrainTumorThursday.  Thank you!

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Daily Prompt [Disastrous]

Looking back on my life, I would say the most disastrous day I ever lived through was the day I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  (The anniversary of this event happened to be yesterday, July 18.)

Disasters happen.  This we know.

What’s the opposite of disaster?

This site shows many, many, many choices.  I just had the thought to print out each one of the words listed and place them all around my room.

Sound like a good idea to you?

Daily Prompt [Dash]

The last few Daily Prompts have intrigued me and I have begun several blog posts.  But, each of them seem to be revolving around my medical status and remain in my drafts folder.  I know there’s something else to me besides medical everything.  Right?

So, in the spirit of acceptance I will dash to my next appointment and be back soon!  Happy 4th of July everyone. ❤

DRAFT from 1/3/2013

This blog serves me so many purposes and it’s given me an avenue to share my story (which includes my hopes and my fears).  There are no judgements, and all I’ve received since I created this blog July 2011 I hope I can give back to others.  Sure; my life isn’t what I thought it’d be at 40 years of age – but who’s life is what they’d thought it be at XX age anyway?  It’s about making lemonade with the lemons you have and all that jazz; learning to dance in the rain…blah blah blah.  I guess it really IS about those things.  🙂

In the new year I plan to write about other things in my life, because let’s face it…my life has pretty much only been about brain tumors and cancer risks for the last 18 months.  But I’m slowly getting it that there IS more to me than my brain tumors.  Once the afternoon of July 18, 2011 arrived and the knowledge of the brain tumors was SHOVED into my life – all the things I thought I could do was shoved down the toilet.

I just want to be heard – I don’t want to be treated like I have the plague.  That’s it.  I suppose this blog is helping me to “be heard” but for the people whom I was once close to….?

Either you are on this journey with me or you’re not.  I’m seeing people’s true colors now and it’s breaking my heart!

That has been one of the hardest things of all of this.  Seeing how people treat me differently.  I don’t share much at all about CS or LDD with real life people, except for a token few (Hi L!  Love you!) – and a few people from my church who I KNOW love me from the bottom of their hearts and do not pass judgment on me.

I know that life is going on – for them and for me.  I know that we all have things going on but it’s just that I still have trouble sometimes.  I have trouble fitting in.  I have trouble connecting with people.  The people I thought were my friends.  Of course I don’t want to bombard them with, “Oh I’m seeing the oncologist today, my neurosurgeon tomorrow, and the OB-GYN on Friday…” because let’s face it.  Who really wants to hear all that?  But even just a, “Hey – Heather how’s it going with things?”  would mean so much.

I’m on the pity pot.  I get to be here sometimes.  This is who I am with what I have on my plate.  Sometimes, I have a lot on my shoulders and I decide to write it all here so I can leave it here and then get on with my life.  I miss having conversations with friends about things.  Conversations – 2 way convos.  I miss it.

These feelings have been on the surface for me for the past little while – and it’s still hard for me to understand all these changes going on.  So, I get to write.  And I get to continue counseling.

You know…with a life threatening surgery last year…I was so afraid that I would be different.

But it has changed me.  I see things differently now. I process things differently now.  This really is the Heather Show now.  And you know what?  THAT IS OK.  This is what I need.

Not Lhermitte-duclos Disease and Cowden Syndrome (kinda)

I have racked my brain for the last few weeks about something to write about that’s non-medical.  But, let’s face it.  Pretty much my whole life revolves around medical everything or how medical somethings have fundamentally changed my life for the much, much, worse.  But, since I am a list maker, list writer, list-follower (?) I thought it’d be a good object lesson for me to write some things going on that aren’t really brain tumor related.  So, here goes:

  • Saw a nutritionist last week.  She said no more protein shakes after my workouts, and instead to drink 2% chocolate milk.  I’m all for trying something new!
  • This is my birthday week!  Celebrated by getting a fancy manicure and DID. NOT. BUY. the Fossil bag I have drooled over for months (in Mushroom, BTW).  That, there, is growth!
  • Last night I spoke at a treatment center in a Twelfth Step panel.  Quite the experience!  🙂
  • Just before I began this post, I was at the animal shelter in the Cat Rooms.  I noticed that one cat in particular, Rita, didn’t look right.  Her hair seemed wet, and I guess she could have gotten in fight with another one and they could have fallen into a water dish.  But, what’s more likely is that she is ill because I heard that there is a something going around there.  I told the front office staff and I pray they look into it.
  • Been doing quite a bit of genealogy work on my mom’s family line.  I hope to never hear, “Oh, all my work has been done!” because it’s never done!  I love it so much.  I know these ancestors of mine are real people and they just wanted to be found and validated as once living souls on this earth.
  • I am thinking about doing another Booster fundraiser t-shirt.  (Especially since I shrunk mine in the dryer this morning.  #FacePalm.)  Would you be interesting in buying one?  More info. on this soon.
  • My new favorite reality TV shows:  Number 1 and Number 2.  Color me hooked; only for a few reasons.  #1 – because the single, girl in me hopes for love one day, no matter what the way. And #2 – because Days of Our Lives.
  • I have a trip planned in July and I am SO. EXCITED.  Here’s a clue:

 

Fun Fact Friday 6/27/14

Have you heard of WEN?  I don’t remember where I first heard of it, probably the Q.  🙂  Anyway, Mom and I got on the bandwagon a few years ago and I am hooked.  She’s not 110% convinced yet – but she’s getting there.  By no means is this a sponsored post (hah!) but I cannot tell you how many compliments I get on my hair when I use the products.  Really really.

This morning I used the Fall Apple Spice Cleansing Conditioner because I wanted a change from the Fig scent that I normally use.  I love, love, love the scent (because, let’s face it.  We’re almost at July; and because Fall) and went on my way.  But, most of the morning I kept thinking, “It smells like Christmas.  Is someone cooking something different for breakfast?”  I even went so far as to smell an old candle in my room because I thought the smell was coming from that!

BAHA!  It was my hair!

Because WEN.

And Because Fall is my everything.