During church this morning I experienced an
upsetting emotional moment which made me swallow hard and really take a look at things in my life right now.
I have a calling in Primary and I love this time so much. But I especially love Singing Time as I was inactive as a child and missed it all.
I don’t want to be known as the
girl woman who’s “So good with kids”. I wanted my own children!
I found myself talking with some kids this morning as we were singing songs and I was overcome. Tears began to flow. (I’ve written and then deleted the same line for 5 minutes here. I don’t know what to say next!) – I’m feeling so sad and dejected and hopeless this morning. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. I know that even if I didn’t have Cowden Syndrome I still may not have had children, but still. Being around children is not the same as having a child. Your own child.
It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same.
To any parent who is frustrated with their children at any moment of any day: Always remember how blessed you are to have a child. Never forget that. Please.
However, after reading a few of the other blog posts this morning on the Daily Prompt I am now thinking about how difficult it is for me to
be stay acknowledge the present. My mind is flooded with moments before being wheeled into operating rooms, moments after having a CT scan, basically moments in the past.
I see it clearly. I know what needs to be done. I just don’t know h o w to do it. How to get out of the past and into the present.
He has been on my mind today.
Did I ever tell you that before my dad went on his mission he was interviewed by President Hinckley?!
There’s a quote that always reminds me of him – “Forget yourself and go to work.”
Here’s the back story of that quote if you’d like to read it. 🙂
So, that’s what I did today! I (tried) to forget myself and went to work.
Yesterday I had the consult with the GI doctor regarding my next colonoscopy and EGD. I’m not looking forward to it to be completely honest. I also got a call from the pharmacy yesterday that my insurance doesn’t cover the prep and my co-pay is $100.
Yah, that’s not happening.
I made some calls this morning about another option for the prep and then spent all morning searching online. Searching for “work from home” jobs (legit ones, obvi) and any other “side hustle” jobs out in the world. (Could I drive for Uber Eats? Or Go Puff?)
Suuuuuuure I could. If there were any available.
My point being this: I had a very rough day yesterday, ending with the doctor appointment which always brings up my PTSD, etc. I slept relatively well last night and got up today and tried to be productive.
Granted, nothing developed from my searching. But at least Heavenly Father saw that today I was trying. I really tried hard. And, even felt “good” to boot. 🙂 so here’s to another good day tomorrow! 🙏🏻
Some of you may know I attend the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It has been a huge part of my life for actually – most of it. I have several generations of Pioneer Ancestors and am thankful and grateful to have that heritage in my life.
When I began this blog years ago, I did have faith and knowledge of our Savior and His role in my life. It had been tested over the years, or granted, I had been tested. Nothing on par with getting diagnosed with 2 brain tumors, but you get my drift.
Yet looking back, I truly didn’t understand anything. I don’t feel I ever was truly mad at Heavenly Father once I got diagnosed, I just was pretty bleh about my life and everything that came with it. I just didn’t care. About anything. Not anger just indifference. I didn’t care. Period.
Fast forward through years of therapy, life, writing on this blog, etc. I am glad I can now ponder about that time in my life. I am so happy with my decision to start this blog so that time of my life is documented in this small space on the Internet. What I was thinking/doing/feeling/wanting/fearing at the moments of getting diagnosed with a brain tumor and subsequent Rare Disease of Cowden Syndrome are emotions I don’t like to recall often, but glad I can review them if I want to.
Every 6 months my church has General Conference, where the Leaders and Prophet counsel us. It is quite a momentous event and I have been blessed enough to attend 2 (3?) times in my life, once in the Tabernacle and once in the Conference Center (when it was dedicated!). I attended church yesterday and I suppose this is why this is on my mind to write about. I feel renewed that I have this faith and knowledge I can always rely on, it is always there for me, if I choose to embrace it. I cannot ever deny what I know to be true.
Over the last few months I started this habit (I guess it’s a habit, although maybe a goal is a better word?) to choose a Conference talk to listen to each day. There is no rhyme or reason to my choosing. I open the app, scroll to a year (today’s was 2004) and then click.
Today’s Conference talk is Believe by Sister Dalton.
This is all coming full circle for me and I am grateful to see the connection.
It was just what I needed to hear today and I would like to share it with you.
Do you have any daily habits or goals you work on achieving?
I mean, it really does. But, so does menopause, brain tumors, anxiety, hypothyroidism, loneliness, and a host of other things. I feel like when I have days like this (read: days that suck) I need to blame something: (see my list of things above). I don’t know why.
I guess because I hope I’m not just lazy. I hope that as these bad days come more often I will be able to not let them suck the life out of me and get me down even more.
Today, for example: I didn’t go to church. I went on an “adventure” yesterday (my words) and I think I overdid it. I just couldn’t clear the brain fog this morning. I woke up and felt like I was in a trance. So, I slept/napped a bit more. Did some reading. Caught up on one of my favorite shows, and while it’s still mid afternoon I have 2 choices. (Actually, I probably have many more but these are my main 2.) I can take another nap, rest my brain, or get up and clean my room and catch up on my mail and laundry that’s piled up.
I just got home from a funeral. A friend of mine died suddenly, way too soon. He was a young father and it is just such a tragic loss. Brought to my mind my dad’s funeral, what my funeral would have been like had I not made it through the craniotomies, things like that. Just a heavy morning. I know this is part of life, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I think of my friend’s poor mother (she’s a widow) and the pain in her heart that I cannot begin fathom. Heartbreak.
I began to see a new therapist a few weeks ago. Her style is much different than the one I had been seeing, and this one is focusing more on trauma healing. I like it. I am on board. There is such a wide array of things I need to address and heal from, this just fit perfectly. I have had two visits with her, and during both I was brought to tears. Sobbing. I am shocked that five years later I still fight with PTSD from the brain surgeries. Those few minutes before I was wheeled into the O.R. have fundamentally changed me. Dare I say permanently scarred me? I don’t know. But those memories and emotions are still down deep inside me and need to be processed and released. I am very much looking forward to this. What I find rather interesting is a day or two ago I dreamt I was caught in a torrential rainstorm. A huge downpour. Other people were near me, I was trying to find shelter from the rain, I didn’t have an umbrella, I didn’t know anyone around me. I did some research on rain in dreams, there is a connection here. The release of the brain surgery “stuff”, as it continues its course, and the downpour of the rain. Dreams are incredible.
While I continue to notice deficits, headaches, problems with my memory and auditory processing, I am thankful to work in Special Education when I can. I am very blessed to be in these classrooms and interact with the students. They make me smile. The help me focus. They motivate me to do my best always. These students have no idea how much they help me navigate life with brain tumors and a rare, genetic condition. The same goes for the person I am tutoring in English. The same goes for those I work with in my calling in church as Family History Consultant.
Life is weird. Life is not what I expected, that is for sure.
It just is.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and have been quite lucky to travel to several Temples over several states. The following is a list of the ones I have been to and I hope to add to this list soon!
(Click here to read about why Temples are built.)